How to Cope When You Love Him But Hate His Politics

We live in politically divisive times. And those divisions even find their way into our marriages.

According to one study, 29 percent of Americans who were either married or in a relationship said today’s political climate causes tension with their partner.

If you and your husband disagree politically, you might feel like you’re trapped in one of those cable news shows where ideological rivals just keep shouting over each other. Or you might be simmering silently, aghast and puzzled at his opinions.

Either way, your diverging beliefs may be creating distance between you. And that can lead to deeper problems if you don’t find a way to manage your differences.

Argue the Right Way

You can still have a successful marriage if the two of you argue over politics sometimes. Political conflicts become a problem only if you handle them in ways that are detrimental to your marriage. It’s especially important to never show contempt for each other when you’re disagreeing over politics — or anything else, for that matter. Contempt is one of the biggest red flags that your relationship is in trouble.

Instead, handle political disagreements in your marriage the same way you would other types of conflict: with respect and love. That means:

  • Don’t bring up points of political disagreement when you are tired, irritated or feel like you can’t control yourself — or when you can tell that your husband is experiencing one of those states.
  • Pause, hold hands and make eye contact when you’re disagreeing. When you are in touch with the humanity of your partner, you’ll be less likely to say things you will regret later.
  • If things get too heated, take a timeout so you can both get to a calmer place.

Balance Conflict With Positivity

You can counteract some of the damage that political conflicts in your marriage cause by actively making an effort to remember all that is positive about your partner and your marriage. I’ve written before about how John Gottman discovered that spouses in successful marriages share more positive interactions than negative ones—a lot more. Happy, long-married couples have 20 positive interactions for every negative one. Even when they’re in conflict, their ratio is still five positives for every negative.

That’s something to keep in mind if politics are a source of negativity in your marriage. When the two of you are regularly kind, respectful and appreciative with each other, political conflicts will be easier to navigate.

Try Reducing Your Overall Stress

If political differences with your husband are pushing your buttons more than usual lately, remember that your marriage is being affected by outside forces. In other words, your problems aren’t solely caused by issues between the two of you.

First, it’s not your imagination that the overall political climate has grown more polarized and divisive. The society that we live in always has some influence on our relationships. And, in this case, that impact is turning up the heat around political differences we might have glossed over in the past.

Then there’s everyday stress. In a 2018 survey by the American Psychiatric Association, about 40 percent of Americans said they had grown more anxious in the past year. When we’re more stressed, we tend to magnify the negative traits we see in our partners. So, as an experiment, try focusing on reducing your stress and see if that affects how you feel about your political differences.

Set Some Boundaries

It’s perfectly fine if the two of you just decide to agree to disagree about politics and not discuss the issues that get you heated.

That’s what’s working for one of the couples in a New York Times article about partners with opposing political beliefs:

The next morning (after the 2016 election), with tears in my eyes, I told Nisim we were going to have to get divorced because I could not live with him for the next four years. He said, “Honey, we’re not going to get divorced. We’re just not going to talk about politics for the next four years.”

Get Curious and Listen

For other couples, though, it can be beneficial to try to better understand each other’s beliefs. We tend to assume an awful lot about other people, even our spouses, based on how they vote. But just because someone supports a political party or official on one stance, doesn’t mean that they wholeheartedly embrace everything in that party or official’s agenda. Having the courage to get curious and to listen deeply can help you get past any assumptions you are holding about each other’s political opinions. It can also help you decide whether your spouse’s beliefs are ones you simply dislike or whether they violate your deep values (in which case the issues with your marriage probably go beyond the scope of this article).

Remember That Facts Don’t Change Minds

Right now, you might be thinking, “That’s great and all. But it would be even greater if he could just change his mind and agree with me politically!”

Well, that might be wishful thinking. But if you do think there’s some potential for your husband to move closer to you politically, I recommend reading law professor Ozan Varol’s essay “Facts Don’t Change People’s Minds. Here’s What Does.”

Varol writes that facts don’t sway our opinions because “we tend to undervalue evidence that contradicts our beliefs and overvalue evidence that confirms them. We filter out inconvenient truths and arguments on the opposing side.”

The article also explores how no one likes to admit they were wrong. And sometimes people just dig in harder when we try to convince them of the error of their political ways.

It’s more effective, Varol says, to give the other person an out that lets them save face.

Finally, I want to leave you with a quote from the minister Joseph Fort Newton: “People are lonely because they build walls, instead of bridges.” I hope this article inspires you to build a bridge over the political differences between you, rather than a wall, especially if other parts of your marriage are going well.

Incoming! Do You Throw ‘Emotional Bombs?’

Have you ever opened an exchange with your husband by using phrases like these?

  • “You never take the trash out!”
  • “Nice of you to join us finally!”
  • “Can we talk about why you were being such a jerk to our friends?”
  • “It’s your fault she was late to school this morning. Why are you so irresponsible?”
  • “You need to tell me when you’re going to get your act together.”

The ensuing conversation didn’t go well, did it? Pioneering marriage researcher John Gottman calls statements like the ones above “harsh startups.” You can also think of them as “emotional bombs.” When you lob one, you’re going to provoke your spouse to either retreat or return fire. Either way, you’re not going to resolve your conflict.

You’ll reach a more constructive solution if you can avoid initiating a discussion with a surprise attack of criticism and sarcasm. But, as you know, sometimes those words slip out of your mouth before you know what has happened. And even though you might be speaking thoughtlessly, emotional bombs can still do lasting damage.

Stressed, Busy and Harsh

It was probably very obvious to you even before you read this article that harsh startups aren’t an effective way to initiate a conversation. So why do we keep engaging in them?

You’ll be more prone to throwing emotional bombs at your husband when you’re under a lot of stress. And with the busy schedules of today’s families, that seems like most of the time, right? Unfortunately, when stress goes up, self-awareness goes down. We become more easily provoked and worse at tuning into what’s going on with other people. When we’re overwhelmed with emotion, we get so wrapped up in our own stuff that we can dehumanize others and say harsh things.

Emotional Bombs Destroy Safety

Maybe you’re wondering what the big deal is about harsh startups. We all get crabby when we’re stressed, right? And he knows you don’t mean it, doesn’t he?

Well hopefully he didn’t take your comments personally, but it’s also possible you inflicted real emotional pain. And our brains process emotional and physical pain in very similar ways. So, in a very real sense, your husband feels attacked when you unleash emotional bombs. Whether he reacts by retaliating or withdrawing, the atmosphere of safety that your relationship needs begins to erode, and the two of you grow farther apart.

How to Hold Your Fire

Banishing harsh startups from your marriage is one of the best things you can do for the health of your relationship. That may all sound well and good right now, but the important thing is remembering this advice the next time you’re stressed and feel like lashing out as your husband.

To give yourself a better chance of holding your fire, see if there are ways to remove some pressure and stress from your life. Are there things you feel like you’re “supposed to” do or have that you could let go of so that you aren’t so overwhelmed? Easing up your expectations can also give you more time to care for yourself. When you rest more, practice healthier habits and nurture yourself, you’ll be less reactive to stress.

Finally, I know this isn’t easy, but remind yourself to pause when you’re in a situation that triggers you to drop emotional bombs and try to choose a different response. Not coincidentally, research shows that people in healthy relationships have brains that are good at controlling emotions.

Even if harsh startups are a longtime habit for you, you can start practicing a new approach today. My book Strong Women, Strong Love has more ideas for maintaining a happy marriage even amid our stressful lives.

How to Make Friends With Your Anger

What messages did you get about anger when you were growing up? I bet you heard statements like these:

  • Girls shouldn’t get so mad.
  • Don’t curse. It isn’t very ladylike.
  • Guys don’t like angry, bitter women.
  • Calm down. You’re being so dramatic..

The people who instilled this kind of thinking in us weren’t doing us any favors. Misconceptions about anger and a lack of healthy strategies for dealing with anger can damage your relationship. So, let’s get a fresh perspective on this intense emotion that you might fear and avoid.

When Anger Goes Wrong

Far too many women think anger is telling them something negative about themselves. Thanks to what they learned from their families of origin and our culture, they fear deep down that anger means they’re a bad, aggressive person. They believe that if they could just be “better” somehow that they wouldn’t get angry.

These beliefs lead to …

  • Tolerating behavior that makes you feel disrespected (for example, your husband habitually runs late) or even behavior that harms your family (like overspending).
  • Avoiding conflict at all costs. Never having an argument doesn’t improve your marriage. In fact, the opposite can happen if you are sweeping issues under the rug.
  • Seething silently in resentment. In many marriages, women build up resentments around housework and emotional labor.
  • Withdrawing and becoming depressed. This happens when you lose any hope of getting your needs met.
  • Complaining. Complaints do give voice to your anger, but in a way that’s unlikely to get your husband to change what’s making you angry.
  • Mean-spirited venting with friends. Again, this might feel like you’re doing something with your anger. But you’re actually just cultivating contempt for your husband while avoiding the real issues.
  • We all have a breaking point. If you suppress anger long enough, you’re likely to lash out. When that happens, your words will be a lot more hurtful than the ones you would have chosen if you’d addressed your anger earlier.

How Anger Can Help You

You may not realize that anger doesn’t have to result in screaming and wounded feelings. It can actually help you improve your relationship. Anger also isn’t some indication of your character, or lack thereof.

The very wise psychologist and author Harriet Lerner recommends viewing anger as a warning signal. It reliably tells you when something is wrong and you need to take action to protect yourself.

To use anger in a positive way, first notice how you react when you notice angry feelings surfacing. If you tend to judge yourself (“Ugh, I shouldn’t be such a bitch”) or push your anger down (“No time to feel that now!), see if you can just let yourself feel the emotion without trying to judge it or squash it.

Instead of recoiling from your own anger, tune in and ask yourself what your anger is trying to communicate to you. Some common messages behind anger include:

  • Your needs aren’t being met.
  • You are being disrespected.
  • You are doing too much.
  • Someone has crossed a line with you.

When you have a handle on what’s causing your anger, you can act on it in a more effective way and use your anger as catalyst for positive change. For example, you can establish or affirm healthy boundaries around what you will do, how much you will give and what you will tolerate. You can lovingly but firmly stand up for what you need and what you expect.

Read More About Women and Anger

I won’t lie to you: While embracing your anger is liberating, it can also be an uncomfortable journey. All of those early messages are deeply ingrained in our minds, and our society still has some deeply messed-up attitudes about women and anger. To aid you in this work, I recommend Lerner’s book The Dance of Anger, as well as my own book, Strong Women, Strong Love.

The Four Agreements in Marriage

The personal development classic The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz might not be your idea of romantic reading before Valentine’s Day. But I’ve been revisiting this book lately and thinking about what each of the agreements can tell us about how to show up in marriage.

  1. Be Impeccable With Your Word

Words matter, so choose them carefully. Words can tear down your relationship when you use them to criticize, complain and belittle. And they can build your bond when you express love and appreciation.

Be especially careful about contempt. Speaking in a mean and disrespectful way with your spouse is the behavior most linked to eventual divorce. Remember that being truthful when you speak is important, but don’t be brutally honest because your words can still hurt.

So as Ruiz says, “Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.”

  1. Don’t Take Anything Personally

Ruiz writes: “Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality. Their own dream.” And that includes your husband. Like you, he is a separate person with his own perspective on life, shaped by his own experience. The more you believe that being married means you must see everything the same way, you more you will find yourself having conflict with your husband. Take time to consider the different ways the two of you approach life. The more you understand how your husband views the world and why, the less you will feel that what he does is directed at you.

  1. Don’t Make Assumptions

“Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama,” Ruiz writes in The Four Agreements. This is a huge deal in marriage. Don’t assume that your husband knows what you need and want. He came into marriage with his own set of expectations and assumptions, and they may be very different from the ones you grew up with.

Likewise, don’t assume that you know what’s going on with him or why he engages in a certain behavior. It’s more courageous and effective to get curious about him and ask questions that can bring you closer together.

  1. Always Do Your Best

“Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick,” Ruiz says “Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.”

These are wise words for the different seasons of marriage. To expand on Ruiz’s words, doing your best will look different for newlyweds than it will for new parents. Sometimes it means being there for your partner in a crisis; sometimes it means celebrating him when things are going well. And sometimes it means allowing him to give more when you can’t. It all comes down to staying in tune with each other and showing up to the best of your ability.

If it’s been a few years since you’ve thought about “The Four Agreements,” Valentine’s Day is a great time to reread your copy and consider its wisdom in the context of your marriage. And if you’ve never read this book, I highly recommend it. When you’re picking up a copy, consider adding my own book, Strong Women, Strong Love, to your purchase. In it, you’ll find many more insights on marriage like the ones in this article.

Are You Stuck in a Rut? Here’s How to Re-Energize

Have you been feeling like life is just the “same old, same old” even though we’re in a new year? Getting stuck in a rut can happen all too easily, especially for busy wives and moms.

Why does this happen? Well, we can blame some people who are very important to us: our kids. Or, more accurately, we can blame a culture that’s obsessed with kids and parenting. When you see other parents laser-focused on providing the “best” for the kids (education, extracurriculars, birthday parties … you name it) no matter what it takes, it’s only natural to try to fall in line. We all want to feel a sense of belonging with our peers.

In this case, however, fitting in comes at a high cost. Losing yourself in kid-centered routines isn’t good for you, your marriage or even your children.

To restore balance to your life, it’s time to devote some energy to you. Consider these questions:

  1. When is the last time you did something for yourself?

I’m betting it’s been too long. You don’t have to escape for a spa day to practice self-care. (Although I encourage you to do so if you can!) Even taking 10 minutes a day to be alone with your thoughts can be hugely beneficial.

  1. When is the last time you did something you enjoyed?

Do you always do what your husband or kids want to do? Do you even remember what you like doing? Staying connected with your favorite hobbies, interests and other activities fills your well so that you can give to others. It can also help affair-proof your marriage.

  1. When is the last time you tried something new?

Routines and structure are a double-edged sword. On the one hand, you need them to keep your family life running smoothly. But, on the other hand, if you never deviate from your routines, the days can turn into one big, boring blur. Sharing a new experience with your husband — even something as simple as taking a cooking class together — can help rekindle the passion you felt earlier in your relationship.

  1. When is the last time you took a risk?

I’m not talking about anything dangerous. I’m talking about being bold enough to step outside of your comfort zone in the way you relate to others. For example, it might feel risky to clearly ask for what you need from your husband instead of dropping hints, but the potential rewards are rich.

  1. When is the last time you were just present?

Life moves fast, and our minds often fixate on a single question: What’s the next thing I need to get done? But when you live this way, you miss a lot. Spending more time out of your whirling thoughts and in the present moment can be enough to transform your life.

I hope that these ideas will help you break out of your rut and more fully savor 2019 with your husband and your family. For more practical strategies like these, pick up a copy of my book Strong Women, Strong Love

Is It Time to Leave Your Husband?

Back before Thanksgiving, you gave yourself an ultimatum: I’m just going to get through the holidays, and then I’m telling him it’s over. Now here we are in the new year, and it’s your moment of truth. You have to make the final call: Should you leave your husband?

This is one of the most wrenching decisions a woman can face. As you consider ending your marriage, know that you’re far from alone. Women are thought to initiate between 70 percent and 80 percent of divorces.

Some of those marriages, of course, are irretrievably broken. Others, though, could be saved. Without counseling you in person, I can’t know which category your own marriage falls into. But what can I do is give you some final questions to consider before you leave so that you can be at peace with your decision, whatever it turns out to be.

Did You Ask For What You Need?

I’m not talking about complaining. That’s all too common among women in unhappy relationships. And at some point, husbands just check out and stop hearing them. What works instead is speaking up clearly and kindly for what you need. Maybe that means negotiating a shift in the domestic workload. Or it could mean learning to be more clear about what you expect from your husband.

Did You Address the Serious Issues?

If you are leaving your husband because his addiction, abuse or mental impairment, have the two of you sought help for these specific issues? If you haven’t, is he willing to? (Please, please keep your own safety front and center as you consider this question.)

What Have You Learned?

Whether you decide to leave your husband or stay and work on your marriage, it’s important to understand what went wrong in your relationship, and the role that both of you have played in creating the current situation. It may seem like everything is all his fault, but most relationships are more complex than that. Working to better understand yourself, your husband and how you relate to each other could save your marriage. But even if go through with leaving your husband, you still need to do this difficult inner work. If you don’t, you could be setting yourself up for another failed relationship.

Your answers to these questions might affirm that divorce is right choice for you, or they could encourage you to give your marriage another shot. If you opt to stay for now, I encourage you to seek relationship counseling. You and your husband can also use the practical strategies in my book Strong Women, Strong Love to start to repair your relationship.

Best Marriage Advice From 2018

Did this year fly by for you, too? If you’ve missed any of the marriage advice articles from 2018, here’s your chance to catch up with the most popular posts. These are the five articles that resonated most with readers of the Strong Women, Strong Love blog and newsletter this year. To read each article, just click on its title. I’ve also included some suggestions for further reading so that you can continue to explore the topics that are most relevant to your marriage.

Why Does Marriage Get Worse After Kids?

I’m not surprised that this article was so widely read, since this is a very common situation among couples. The key takeaways here are: 1) Talk openly about household responsibilities so that everything doesn’t fall on your shoulders. 2) Take couple time to maintain your intimate friendship with your husband. 3) Be aware of the pressures on parents to do everything “right.” Let go of perfectionism.

More marriage advice on this topic: Do Parents Have to Be Less Happy?

In Negative Times, Add Some Positivity to Your Marriage

Even during the holiday season, there’s still a lot of negativity pervading our lives  — from news headlines to colleagues who love to complain to rude people we encounter on the road and in stores. All of that can take a toll on your marriage if the two of you aren’t deliberate about building a “fortress of optimism” together. Taking good care of yourself also helps shift your mindset.

More marriage advice on this topic: Turning the Scariest Moment of the Day Into the Best One

How Your Brain Reveals Your Love Story

This article further reinforces the importance of positivity in marriage. In longtime happy couples, there’s reduced activity in the part of the brain that skews negative, researchers have discovered. Another fascinating finding: The brains of happy couples show more activity linked to empathy and emotional self-control.

More marriage advice on this topic: Can Brains Be Male or Female?

‘I’d Spend More Time Being, Not Doing’

I really love the video of older women looking back at their lives that’s featured in this article, and many of you responded to it as well. What can we learn from them? As I wrote previously: “Amid all the doing, take time for simply being. Right here. Right now. As the women in the video remind us, the years will pass quickly. And you don’t get a second chance to recapture the moments you lost.”

More marriage advice on this topic: Take Time for Joy This Summer

Divorce Is Contagious — But You Can Inoculate Your Marriage Against It

It’s a sobering reality that divorce can spread through a social circle. But the good news is that you can build your “immunity.” Put the time and energy into nurturing yourself and your marriage. And remember that what you do in even the smallest moments can either strengthen your relationship or tear it down.

More marriage advice on this topic: Why Your Marriage Needs Regular Repairs

Thank you so much for reading this blog in 2018! I hope that you’ve found insights here that have made your marriage happier and more fulfilling. I’ll be back in January with more articles that will help you keep your relationship strong amid the stress and busyness of everyday life. Until then, enjoy the rest of this festive season!

P.S. As you shop for gifts, consider picking up a present that you and your husband can share: a copy of my book Strong Women, Strong Love. I’m very grateful to be celebrating the fifth anniversary of this book, and I’m so happy that it’s made practical, down-to-earth marriage advice accessible to more couples.

10 Signs You Actually Have a Great Marriage

Sometimes looking at your social media feeds can give you an inferiority complex about your relationship. Other couples seem to be taking more romantic trips, giving more beautiful gifts, posting more effusive birthday tributes to each other, living in fancier houses and even looking more in love in their photos.

It’s time for a reality check: 1) You don’t know what’s truly going on with other people. 2) The things I described above don’t actually have a lot to do with how good a marriage is.

Instead of comparing yourself with other couples, there’s a better way to gauge the health of your relationship.  Take a look at the list below. If statements like these describe your marriage, then you and your husband are doing awesome — even if your life doesn’t seem very Instagram-able sometimes.

  1. You Fight Fair

Having a great marriage doesn’t mean that you never disagree. How often you fight matters less than how you fight. For example, if you can argue without attacking each other’s overall personality or character, that points to a strong relationship. For more on arguing in a healthy way, check out my article “The Right Way to Fight With Your Husband.”

  1. You Manage Ongoing Issues

Whether it’s your hypercritical mom or his needy ex-wife, some things will always be a source of tension. That doesn’t mean your marriage is bad. According to leading marriage researcher John Gottman, almost 70 percent of disagreements in marriage are recurring. The key thing is learning to manage the issues you can’t resolve.

  1. Your Sex Life Is Right For You

Do you have a friend (or even a celebrity you follow on social media) who claims that she and her husband are going at it all the time? Your own marriage might feel less sizzling by comparison. But the truth is that frequency of sex varies a lot among happy couples. The important things is that both of you are satisfied with the amount of sex you are having.

  1. You Have Your Own Lives

There’s a romantic ideal in our culture that your spouse should be this magical person who fulfills all of your needs and whom you never want to be away from. But couples who believe this are actually putting a lot of pressure on their marriage — and making it boring. Each of you needs strong friendships outside of your marriage to get all of your emotional needs met. You also both need space to pursue your own hobbies and interests. When you cultivate yourself, you change the whole energy you bring to your marriage.

  1. You Know How to Apologize

Nobody’s perfect in marriage. You’re going to make mistakes, and so will your husband. What keeps your marriage on track is knowing how to apologize and recover from mistakes.

  1. You Own Your Stuff

Great relationships don’t just happen to people who had happy childhoods and parents who modeled what a healthy marriage should be. If one or both of you came into your relationship with emotional baggage, you can still have very satisfying marriage — if you work together on your issues. I talk more about this idea in my article “How Attachment Styles Affect Your Marriage.”

  1. You Speak Up

Some people don’t want to make a big deal out of anything — even if it is a big deal! They think that a good partner should have infinite patience. But this can backfire. Little things can spiral into big issues if  you don’t deal with them. In healthy marriages, each partner feels comfortable raising concerns and can talk about them in a way that isn’t hurtful to the other partner.

  1. You Respect Each Other

Romance gets all the attention, but respect is what keeps marriages together. If you’re in a period where passion is low (for example, after the birth of a child) and you still treat each other respectfully, that’s a great indicator that your relationship is still strong — and that you’ll eventually rekindle your passion.

  1. Your Lifestyle Supports Your Marriage

We all get lots of messages about the things we’re “supposed” to be doing, having or achieving. Successful couples know what’s important to them, and they know that their relationship has to be among their priorities. They’re not afraid to say no to what they don’t value.

  1. You Know It Takes Work

There’s a misconception that true love should be effortless, but happy couples know that’s not true. They realize that, like everything else, a marriage needs maintenance to stay functional. That’s why they’re deliberate every day about noticing positives, showing appreciation and giving their spouse moments of focused attention.

I hope that this list has highlighted all the things that are going right in your marriage and that you take a moment to appreciate all you and your husband have created together. To keep your relationship going strong, and work on any trouble spots, check out my book Strong Women, Strong Love.

A Lack of Sleep Can Hurt Your Marriage

The health of your relationship can depend on how things are going in bed. And I’m not talking about sex!

When you don’t get enough sleep, or your sleep schedules are out of synch, it’s a lot harder to have a happy, connected marriage. So today I hope to convince you that catching some ZZZ’s together is one of the most romantic things you can do.

What’s Causing Your Sleep Problems?

For working parents, a great night’s sleep can seem like the impossible dream. Lots of factors can come together to keep you from getting the rest you need. They include:

  • Stress and anxiety. You wake up at 3 A.M. and an endless loop starts playing in your mind: Will there be layoffs at work? Will your son pull up his grades? Is your mom showing signs of dementia? What’s going to happen next in this crazy world? More than two-thirds of Americans report that they lose sleep because they’re worried about something.
  • Your jobs. Different work shifts can put the two of you on different sleep schedules. Sleep also gets disrupted if either of you feels compelled to keep checking work email late into the night.
  • Technology. Even if you aren’t using your devices for work at bedtime, having them in your bedroom still makes it harder to sleep because they keep your brain alert and disrupt your natural sleep rhythms.
  • Packed schedules. Our busy days don’t leave us time to wind down and process the day. So we end up staying up later just to get the mental space we need.
  • Your kids. If you have young children — or even older kids who still wake up at night — your own sleep can suffer.
  • Each other. When a night owl marries an early bird, they can cost each other sleep. And when one partner has a sleep disorder — such as snoring or insomnia — the other often loses rest too.
The Sleep-Deprived Marriage

Have you ever noticed that even when people complain about a lack of sleep that they seem almost proud of it? It’s as if they’re “humble bragging” to the world that they can still do it all even when they’re exhausted.

But the truth is that skimping on sleep can profoundly damage our health, our work and our relationships. It keeps us from being at our best and from being there for others in the ways we want to be.

When you’re not in a healthy sleep routine, you may notice negative effects like these on your marriage:

  • Weaker connection. If the two of you are on different sleep schedules, you miss out on pre-sleep talking, cuddling and sex. The same is true if you go to bed at the same time but spend the moments before sleep on your phones. Marriage is all about maintaining connection, and missing these intimate moments can contribute to the two of you drifting apart.
  • Less interest in sex. A lack of sleep lowers libido for both men and women.
  • Nastier arguments. Being sleep deprived doesn’t just lead to more conflicts. It also changes the tone of those conflicts. Couples who get enough sleep are more likely to stay constructive and keep their sense of humor when they argue. On the other hand, couples who lack sleep get more hostile and negative. This is important because how often you argue is less important than the way that you argue.
  • A lack of gratitude. Appreciation is one of the key ingredients to a happy marriage. But when you aren’t sleeping enough, you feel less grateful for you partner.
 Sleep Your Way to a Happier Marriage

You know now that you need more sleep. But you also know that your crazy schedules and all the things causing you anxiety aren’t going away. So what can you do to get the rest and the nightly connection you need to keep your marriage strong?

  • Create work boundaries. For some tips to help keep your job out of your bedroom, see my recent article on workaholism.
  • Curb technology. Ideally, you should keep your devices out of your bedroom before sleep. But if that’s not possible, start putting them away earlier to give yourself more time to wind down and to connect with each other.
  • Create a “good night” ritual. If the two of you don’t go to bed at the same time, you can still share some moments of connection at the end of the day. Take a few minutes to cuddle and talk even if one of you gets back up afterward.
  • Take care of yourselves. If you’re prone to middle-of-the-night worry sessions, look for at least one way you can start better managing stress, whether that’s exercising more or planning some time to talk with a friend.
  • Give yourself some breathing room. You might need to create some space in your schedule for more downtime and sleep. That’s especially true this time of year, when traveling, socializing and even wrapping presents can keep you up late.

It’s easy to let sleep fall to the bottom of your list of priorities. But when you take steps to get the rest you need, you’ll see the benefits quickly in your marriage and in other areas. For more advice on maintaining a happy marriage, check out my book Strong Women, Strong Love.

When Your Husband Doesn’t Like Your Friends

Does your husband roll his eyes when you mention particular friends of yours? Does he try to get out of activities where he knows they’ll be present? This might not seem like a big deal, but it could turn into a trouble spot in your marriage.

Researchers have found that conflicts over friends can raise the risk of divorce, especially when a husband does not like his wife’s friends.

So what are you supposed to do with this information? After all, you love both your husband and your friends.

Let’s get one thing out of the way first. You need friends! Having a variety of nurturing relationships makes your marriage stronger. If your husband doesn’t like you spending any time with friends, there’s a deeper problem.

Assuming, though, that his animosity seems limited to a certain friend or friends of yours, let’s take a closer look at what might be going on.

Does He Not Get Your Friendships?

First, if you know he has issues with a friend of yours, don’t let his dislike of your friend become the “elephant in the room.” Try to create a space to talk openly about what’s happening. For example, maybe he worries that the just-divorced friend you’re hanging out with a lot is filling your head with ideas about leaving him. But, in reality, you and your friend actually spend most of your time talking about work or the kids.

Another possibility is that you have different ideas about friendship. Let’s say your husband’s family lives by the famous quote: “you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” Your family, on the other hand, emphasizes loyalty above else. So it makes sense that he’s not too happy you’re sticking by your aimless friend from high school. And it makes sense that you wouldn’t dream of distancing yourself from her even though she drives you a little nuts. When each of you understands where the other is coming from, you can find a way through the tension.

Is He Jealous?

Your husband might also be jealous of the bond you have with your friend(s). It’s a challenge for any of us to maintain a healthy support system amid all the demands on our time. But men are even more likely than women to rely on their partner to meet all of their emotional needs. Your husband may feel that your friends are crowding out couple time. In this case, it could be helpful to encourage him to build up his own friendships and pursue his own interests.  You can also make sure the two of you are actually setting time aside to spend together on a regular basis.

Is He Right About Your Friends?

Finally, consider that your husband may be on to something. Does he dislike your friends because he’s noticed they drain all your energy and leave you irritable? Has he seen a pattern of your giving more than your friends? Do you and your friends say means things about your husbands under the guise of “teasing” or “venting”? That last question is especially important. Research has shown us that contempt is lethal to marriages. So you don’t want to do anything to cultivate it.

Everyone needs friends, but the way to balance friendships and marriage is unique to every couple. You can learn more about how both you and your husband can build and maintain a healthy support system in my book Strong Women, Strong Love.