Rethinking Infidelity…A Talk for Anyone Who Has Ever Loved

Infidelity is the ultimate betrayal. But does it have to be? Relationship therapist Esther Perel examines why people cheat, and unpacks why affairs are so traumatic: because they threaten our emotional security. In infidelity, she sees something unexpected — an expression of longing and loss. A must-watch for anyone who has ever cheated or been cheated on, or who simply wants a new framework for understanding relationships.

 

 

Emotional Pain Hurts More Than You Realize

emotional pain

You would never (I hope!) physically abuse your partner. But have you ever felt self-righteous about giving your husband “the silent treatment?” Or pushed off his arms and looked at him like he’s crazy for trying to hug you while you were stirring a pot on the stove?

We need to take behavior like this in our marriages more seriously. Researchers are starting to find that our brains experience physical and emotional pain much the same way.

Getting rejected activates the same areas of our brain that get triggered when we feel physical pain.

Now consider all the ways that rejection can creep into a relationship. Of course, emotional or physical infidelity is one of the most painful forms of rejection, but smaller slights hurt too:

  • Shutting out your partner by not sharing or not bringing your true self into the relationship.
  • Rejecting physical affection from your partner or not giving affection yourself.
  • Criticizing or even showing contempt for your partner.
  • Retreating into your work or your kids’ lives to avoid your partner.
  • Micro-managing or making your partner feel incompetent.

You might think of these as petty misbehaviors in a marriage: Not great, certainly, but not at the level of abandoning or cheating on a partner. What I want you to take away from this post is that these behaviors aren’t as benign as you might think. They cause real hurt on a level we hadn’t realized before.

Let this knowledge give you extra motivation to create an atmosphere of mutual respect and kindness in your marriage. My book Strong Women, Strong Love can help you change hurtful habits that are eroding your marriage. Remember that harming each other emotionally is no more acceptable than causing each other physical pain.

When Trust is Betrayed

Learn how to cope when trust is betrayed.

Trust Love

 

Trust is built over the years, one experience at a time.  That’s why it’s so painful when trust is shattered.  Any time you feel betrayed, the level of trust in your partner is affected. Maybe he failed to stick up for you when your mother-in-law criticized you.  Perhaps, he made a nasty comment in the middle of a fight.  Or, worst case scenario, you discovered that he is involved with someone else.

Once you have been hurt, you have to evaluate whether it is worth your while to rebuild trust.  If your partner has a long history of betraying you, you may need to give serious thought to whether things will ever change.  However, when the transgressions are relatively minor and infrequent, working through the hurt can actually deepen your bond.

When the betrayal is more significant, like in the case of an extramarital affair, it is important to assess whether you and your husband have enough commitment to the marriage to do the hard work of rebuilding trust.  He has to have enough remorse and understanding of your pain to earn your trust back.  And, at some point, you have to be willing to let go of your desire to “make him pay” for the pain he caused you. Trust can only be rebuilt with tremendous courage, commitment, and persistence by both of you.

Pain can actually serve as a motivator to tend to your relationship and keep it on track.  Believe it or not, a marriage can actually end up on more solid ground when the two of you open yourselves up to learning from the sorrow you have caused one another and use it to strengthen your relationship.