If you’ve made the resolution to strengthen your relationship this year, I have some good news. There’s a way to improve your marriage that’s confirmed by research.
And it’s extremely simple.
And it takes only a few minutes per year.
Really!
Researcher Eli J. Finkel of Northwestern University and his colleagues discovered “The Marriage Hack” when they were studying marital satisfaction. Finkel talked about the magic of the Marriage Hack at TEDxUChicago. (You can watch his talk in the video above.)
Couples in the study conducted by Finkel and his colleagues filled out questionnaires about their marriages every four months for two years. In the second year of the study, half of the couples did The Marriage Hack. Their questionnaires included these additional writing exercises:
Participants wrote about the most recent conflict in their marriage from the viewpoint of an objective third party who wants the best for everyone.
They were then asked to write about any obstacles they might face in trying to take on this outside perspective.
Finally, they wrote about ways they could overcome those obstacles.
The exercise took just seven minutes, and couples did the exercise three times over the course of the year.
Those 21 minutes had a pretty amazing payoff.
Normally, Finkel says in his TEDx Talk, marital satisfaction declines over time. That’s what happened to all the couples in the study during the first year.And, sadly, it’s what continued to happen to the couples who didn’t do the seven-minute writing exercise in the second year, But for the couples who did the writing exercise, the decline in marital satisfaction stopped.
That’s not because they reduced the number of conflicts in their marriage. What made the difference is that the Marriage Hack writing exercise helped them handle those conflicts more constructively. The payoff happened in every aspect of their marriages —trust, intimacy, even sexual passion. And study participants who practiced the Marriage Hack writing exercise reported feeling less stressed and depressed, and happier overall.
So why is this?
When we fight with our spouses, we get caught up in our own perspective, Finkel says. We focus on all the things we are doing right and even start to feel self-righteous. Chances are, if you’re feeling totally correct and vindicated, and your spouse is feeling the same way about his viewpoint, that’s the recipe for a destructive conflict.
The Marriage Hack writing exercise reminds us of the bigger picture. When we make it a habit to get off our high horse and look at conflict through a different lens, we can defuse anger and build understanding and empathy.
So do you have 21 minutes to strengthen your marriage this year? Happy 2016 and happy Marriage Hacking!
Our minds are wonderfully efficient. But that can get us into trouble sometimes.
Here’s what I mean: Your brain can’t possibly process every little piece of information that comes in through your senses. It has to do lots of filtering to keep from getting overloaded.
That filtering can skew your view of the world sometimes. For example, if you’re feeling resentful toward your husband, you may overlook the positive things he does because your brain is looking for information consistent with your negative view of him.
“Outsmarting” your brain so that you notice more positives is vital to your marriage. Researcher John Gottman studies the differences between those he calls the Masters of Marriage (couples who have been married for a long time and still like each other) vs. the Disasters of Marriage (those headed for divorce).
How many positive interactions do you think the Masters have with their spouse for every negative one? Two? Five? Not even close. The Masters of Marriage have 20 — 20! — positive interactions for every negative one. Even when they’re in conflict, their ratio is still five positives for every negative. That’s higher than the normal ratio for the Disasters group whose typical ratio is 0.8 positives for every negative.
What this translates into for the Masters is a relationship that is emotionally warm and loving vs. the icy, tense marriage created when there is too much negativity. Great marriages thrive on positivity.
Are You ‘Overdrawn’?
You can think of the positivity and negativity in your marriage as an emotional bank account, Gottman says. If you make regular deposits of positivity, you establish an “emergency fund” for the difficult times.
If your emotional bank account balance is “in the red,” I encourage you to get very deliberate about filling the coffers. The management guru Peter Drucker once said, “If you can’t measure it, you can’t manage it.” That’s true of a lot of things. Dieters are more successful losing weight if they keep a food diary. And most financial experts suggest using a written budget to help you save money or get out of debt. I recommend trying a similar strategy to improve you marriage.
Try this experiment: For a week, record all the positive and negative interactions between you and your husband. Notice when you make deposits in your relationship’s emotional bank account. These can include:
An attitude of generosity
Compliments
Acts of kindness
Encouraging words
Apologizing
Also notice when you withdraw from your emotional bank account with negativity. Withdrawals can include:
An attitude of entitlement
Hurtful words
Rejection
Callousness about your partner’s needs
When you start keeping track of your interactions, you may be surprised at how much negativity has sneaked into your relationship. Look for ways to add more deposits of positivity. If you are having trouble being genuinely positive toward your husband right now, at least try to reduce your withdrawals from your relationship’s emotional bank account, as that will also improve your bottom line. You can find lots more ideas for increasing positivity and reducing negativity in your marriage in my book Strong Women, Strong Love.
