by Strong Women Strong Love | Nov 30, 2017 | Poisonous Patterns |
Here’s a common dynamic I see in marriages: The husband is in the habit of telling fibs – about whether he completed a task his wife asked him to, about what time he’ll be home, stuff like that. He doesn’t see this as a big deal in his marriage.
The wife feels differently. She believes that any kind of lie undermines trust in the relationship.
So what’s going on here? And how can you address this pattern before it becomes a real sticking point in your marriage?
(First, though, my usual disclaimer: This article is not about major betrayals in marriage, like hiding an addiction or another romantic relationship. If you’re going through a situation like this, please seek the help of a qualified professional in your area.)
If you’ve been wondering why your husband lies about seemingly minor things, a good starting point is considering the beliefs and patterns he may have picked up from his family. As we’ve talked about before, in some households, little white lies are simply a routine way to keep the peace. The highest priority in such homes is avoiding conflict. If that’s true of your husband’s family, he may think this is just how relationships operate.
No matter what the patterns were in his family, and in yours, it’s important to talk openly about where you both are coming from. If you were shaped by a family that communicated more directly, even if it created conflict, you may be just as baffling to him as he is to you! When you understand each other’s backgrounds more, both of you will also better understand that you aren’t trying to be malicious to each other when your communication styles differ. And you can more calmly and compassionately work together on a style that fits both of your needs.
Your husband may also be in the habit of little lies because he’s learned that telling the truth gets him “in trouble” or upsets you. If you’re extremely critical when he tells you truth, he may decide that a little white lie is a preferable alternative to feeling shamed. The same may be true if he’s seen that speaking his truth usually provokes a strong emotional reaction from you.
Little lies don’t have to be a deal-breaker, but neither are they something you should tolerate if they leave you feeling hurt and betrayed. You can’t control your husband’s behavior, but you can work to create a space where both of you feel safe telling the truth. Talk about the difficult things, even if that leads to some short-term conflict. When these discussions are handled with respect and compassion, greater openness should naturally follow.
by Strong Women Strong Love | Aug 15, 2017 | Poisonous Patterns |
Overall, strong marriages are built on honesty and being authentic with your spouse. But is it ever OK to tell a little white lie to your husband? What about withholding information?
Two spouses can have different, but equally valid, ideas about honesty and boundaries in marriage. The key thing is recognizing and working with your differences. Here are a few key things to remember.
Your Past Is Yours
For some people, intimacy means that partners are open books to each other. They want to share all the details of their past and want their partner to do the same. But other people may be less forthcoming. And that’s fine.
You should, of course, be honest and share with your husband information that affects your marriage (and expect him to do the same with you). For example, if your first marriage ended because of your ex’s infidelity, being aware of that helps your husband understand who you are in your relationship with him.
But being honest doesn’t mean you are obligated to reveal every detail of your past. If the discussion about your ex turns to your sex life with him, you’re within your rights to keep that information private between you and the other person.
Think Before You Critique
Here’s another way that couples can have different ideas about boundaries and honesty in marriage. Let’s say you have a blunt, let-it-all-hang-out philosophy. You were raised to “be real.” You don’t hesitate to tell your husband he loaded the dishwasher wrong or that his brother’s political views are crazy.
While this type of openness may have been normal in your family, your husband might interpret your behavior as an attack on him or his family. When it comes to honest critiques of your husband, it’s possible to tackle even a big issue – like the fact that you’re doing more than your share of housework – with kindness and respect. And consider letting the little stuff (like his quirky dishwasher-loading technique) slide.
The same holds true when you give your honest opinion about others close to him. You’re in emotionally charged territory here. There might be a time when you do need to call out one of his family members (“When your brother was talking about politics, he said something really sexist and disrespectful to me.”), but be careful about being “brutally honest.” Your husband might be perfectly fine rolling his eyes about his brother’s latest theories right along with you…or not. In any case, if you need to set a boundary of respect, go ahead and do it honestly, clearly, and respectfully.
Answer With Care
So we know unsolicited feedback can be risky. But what about when your partner asks you a question and you know your honest answer won’t make him happy? The cliche example of this situation is a wife asking her husband if an outfit makes her look fat, but either partner can find himself or herself on the receiving end of a tricky question. Before you answer, think about why your partner is asking the question in the first place. Chances are, he’s seeking affirmation or reassurance from you. Think about how you can answer the question with kindness and gentleness in addition to honesty.
You can use this article as a springboard to talk with your husband about how each of you approaches honesty and openness in situations like these. Does talking about past relationships make you feel intimate — or uncomfortable? Would you rather know what’s on each other’s minds, even if it’s hard to hear? Again, there are no right answers. The important thing is that you’re curious about understanding each other and committed to navigating differences in communication styles and openness.
