You’ve married a great guy with wonderful children. The only problem? His ex-wife. She stirs up conflicts over the kids — and sometimes it even feels like she’s trying to win your husband back. So how do you deal with an ex-wife who seems to constantly fan the flames of drama? It takes a lot of thoughtfulness, maturity and grace under pressure.
She’s Not Going Away
Let’s start with a dose of reality. A person you didn’t choose to have in your life now plays a big part in it. That might not feel very fair. But, because she and your husband share children, she’s going to be a presence in your world for a while.
As you deal with his ex-wife, it might help to understand the emotions behind her hard-to-take behaviors. She may still be upset that your husband chose to leave their relationship. Even if she was the one who ended their marriage, she may be jealous of the fact that he’s moving on. She may feel insecurity about your being “the other woman” in her kids’ lives. Or she may fear that you’re competing with her or her kids for your husband’s time and financial resources.
It’s not on you to call her out if you suspect any of these issues. But realizing that she’s acting so badly out of hurt and fear — instead of just pure spite or evil — helps you navigate from a place of composure and compassion so that you don’t compound the negativity she creates.
If you have to interact with her in person, a good rule to follow is to try to show the same respect and friendliness you would to a stranger — for example, someone waiting in line with you. But as you resolve to act respectfully, you also have to prepare yourself for the fact that she might not return your kindness and maturity. That’s her problem. Just focus on being the bigger person. She may not appreciate it, but your husband certainly will.
Putting the Kids First
Resentments and power struggles between former and current spouses can play out in conflicts over the kids. You might cringe at the idea of your husband having any interactions with his ex, much less co-parenting with her. But remember that it’s in the best interest of your step-kids if their parents can work out issues together.
If your husband’s ex is making you the bad guy in disagreements over the kids, it can ease some tension to make sure he has primary responsibility for the kids when they’re with you, especially when it comes to discipline. You and your husband may also need to have a clear understanding of where to set boundaries in the relationship the two of you have with his ex. For example, if she’s calling you names or being disrespectful in some other obvious way, some clear limits may need to be set. The two of you will have to decide whether that’s best done by you or your husband. Of course, these decisions are best made when you’re calm and rational.
Also remember what we talked about it earlier: The idea of someone else acting as “mom” to her kids might be driving her crazy. Honor the relationship your stepkids have with their mother. Everyone – you, the kids, your husband, his ex – should be clear that you’re adding to the kids’ family, not replacing their mother in anyway. Hopefully, she’ll realize at some point that her children can only benefit from having more people who love and care for them. But it’s easy to be territorial, especially when a blended family arrangement is new.
Your Husband, His Ex
It’s possible for your problems with his ex to go beyond co-parenting disagreements. If his ex is acting in ways that feel like a threat to you marriage, that’s especially hard. Your anxiety about her (which, of course, she might be trying to provoke) can easily sow mistrust and discord that harm your relationship, so be careful.
Remind yourself that your husband is married to you now — and that there’s a reason he’s no longer married to her. Don’t let your fears take over. Trust him, and remind him of that trust. If the ex pushes your buttons to the degree that you can’t even talk about her with your husband, think about how to work with your emotions so that you can get to a calmer place. Managing your family’s relationship with her should be something you and your husband can communicate about.
Will Things Get Better?
Blended families may require a greater degree of thoughtfulness and intention. However, there is no rule that conflict has to be the norm. Plenty of parents work collaboratively and even amiably with former spouses, but it requires the adults involved to be mature and compassionate. Will you commit to doing your part to create the best environment for everyone involved, especially the kids?
Is insecurity or withdrawal — by you, your husband or both of you — an issue in your marriage? Today, I’ll give you some insight into what might be going on. I’ll explore different attachment styles and how they play into your relationships.
Your family is actually the very first place you learn about relationships. The experiences you have with your caregivers have a strong influence over how you relate to other people in your life. Understanding your particular style of connecting helps you see what strengths and vulnerabilities you bring to your marriage.
What Is Your Attachment Style?
If you’re lucky, your early caregivers were loving, responsive, and reliable. If so, you learned that you can trust people and developed a secure attachment style. You’re probably comfortable with emotional intimacy and depending on others, which, as you can imagine, makes it easier to be in a relationship. About 60 percent of people have this attachment style.
But what if your parents or caregivers weren’t so consistent? Maybe they were there for you sometimes, but other times were physically or emotionally unavailable when you needed them. These experiences can lead to an ambivalent/anxious attachment style. It’s characterized by feeling unsure whether someone will actually love you and worried that they may leave. People who are clingy or very sensitive to rejection often have this style.
Children of parents who were regularly unavailable or unresponsive can develop an avoidant attachment style. They learn to take care of themselves at a very young age. This independence can cause them to have trouble seeking emotional closeness with others. A person with this style may seem like an aloof or uncaring partner.
Finally, there’s the disorganized attachment style. It can arise in children who suffer abuse or neglect, or whose parents frighten them because of their own unresolved trauma. These children grow up to become adults who struggle with trusting others, managing their emotions and even feeling safe at all.
In reading the descriptions of the different attachment styles, you probably have a sense now of what your own might be. This quiz can also help you pinpoint your attachment style.
Working With Your Attachment Style
If both you and your husband have a secure attachment style, that’s great news for your marriage. You have a sound foundation for weathering a relationship’s normal ups and downs.
But if one of you doesn’t have a secure attachment style now, that hardly means your marriage is doomed. It’s possible to shift your attachment style. If you happen to have found a secure partner, that may help you to eventually develop a secure connection too.
The most challenging situation is when both of you have insecure attachment styles. It’s common, for example, for ambivalent/anxious and avoidant people to couple up — and drive each other crazy. One will cling, and the other will try to get away. Just understanding where each of you is coming from can be helpful. But you may need to seek counseling to protect your marriage and to develop healthier ways of relating.
If you’re looking for more insights to help you better understand how your attachment style affects your marriage, I highly recommend Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love by Amir Levine, MD and Rachel Heller, MA.
There are two times in a marriage when couples are most likely to split. The first comes around the seven-year mark. The second comes at around 12 years. Whether or not you’re near one of those milestones, it’s always good to monitor your relationship health. Here are a few tips to guide you through a marriage checkup.
In the seven-year danger zone, splits happen because of conflicts. Not surprisingly, this time frame is when many couples are starting a family and dealing with all of the associated stresses. The warning sign in this time period isn’t how often you fight. It’s whether you fight the right way.
Specifically, look at whether your conflicts are characterized by Dr. John Gottman‘s “Four Horsemen.” Gottman gave these behaviors such a dramatic name because their constant presence in a marriage strongly predicts which couples will divorce.
The Horsemen are:
If you don’t like the behaviors you’re bringing to conflicts with your husband, you might need to cut yourself a break and focus on self-care. When we’re stressed (as most of us seem to be constantly), we get more controlling, rigid and judgmental in our relationships with others.
At 12 years, couples tend to split because they’re becoming alienated from each other. Again, our stressed and busy lives play a role. It can be tricky to nurture your relationship amid everything else you’re juggling, but it’s vital.
To keep your bond strong, consider questions like these.
- Is the amount of physical intimacy in your relationship satisfying for both of you? Your physical relationship strengthens your emotional relationship.
- Do you treat each other with the same consideration that you’d treat good friends?
- Do you take advantage of opportunities to show love and appreciation — such as greeting each other warmly after your work days?
- Do you practice deep listening (making eye contact, summarizing what the other said, etc.) with each other?
- Are you curious about each other? In other words, do you ask yourself questions like “He seems tense. I wonder what’s going on with him?” instead of leaping to conclusions?
Whether you’ve been married one year or 50 years, look through this blog for more tips and insights to improve the health of your marriage. Although your relationship may feel fine right now, doing a regular checkup can be an important part of keeping things on track.
Even amid all the political bickering these days, Facebook can be a pretty romantic place. We’ve all read stories of people who knew each other in high school and even earlier reconnecting on the site and finding lasting relationships. When the reunited lovebirds are single before finding each other again, these stories make our hearts flutter. But if you’re married, talking to your ex on Facebook can be a little more complicated.
Social Media and Emotional Affairs
If you’re tempted to look up an old love, ask yourself what’s motivating you. Maybe your marriage is happy and you’d just like to know how your ex’s life turned out and wish him happy birthday every year. But if your marriage is struggling and you’re thinking about how perfect your old love was, now isn’t the time for a trip down memory lane with him.
Talking to your ex can put you at risk for an emotional affair — especially when you’re spending your energy reconnecting with your ex on social media, instead of with your husband in real life. It’s easy to idealize your ex on Facebook because we tend to present only the most positive parts of our lives on social medica. And when you’re typing on a screen, instead of talking face to face, you can lose your sense of what crosses the line from friendship into something more.
A piece of advice I gave in my blog article about emotional affairs also applies here. If you wouldn’t want your husband seeing the Facebook messages between you and your ex, your contact with your ex might be bad for your marriage. Now I’m not saying that your social media accounts have to be a completely open book for your husband. Or that his should be for you, for that matter. You both deserve some privacy and trust. But that trust comes with a responsibility to act in a way that doesn’t threaten your marriage.
Cultivate Intimacy at Home, Not Online
Another red flag? Talking to your ex about things you aren’t discussing with your husband. Your husband can’t be, and shouldn’t be, your only emotional outlet. But if you find it easier to be emotionally intimate with your ex on Facebook than with your husband, that’s a sign to focus on your marriage and your real-life social network, not your old acquaintance.
To head off any issues with social media use, I recommend that you and your husband be a part of each other’s social networks. After all, it’s easier to drift into trouble with your ex on Facebook if your husband is not on the network and doesn’t see you interacting with him. Being proactive about keeping your marriage strong also lessens any online temptations. You’ll find lots of tools to work on your relationship in my book Strong Women, Strong Love. Of course, you can also follow Strong Women Strong Love on Facebook.
You know that look in his eyes or that certain touch. He’s feeling amorous. But you’re just not in the mood for sex. Everyone feels like saying no to sex sometimes. But it’s important to do it in a way that respects your partner’s feelings and that maintains the overall health of your relationship.
Some Myths About Sex and Marriage
It might ease your mind to know that there are some common misperceptions about sex and marriage. The big one is that there’s some “magic number” — the amount of sex you’re supposed to be having. That’s not just true. The number of times you have sex in any week, month or year isn’t important. What is important? That both of you are satisfied with the amount of sex you are having. Frequency of sex varies a lot among happy couples.
We also tend to have a very limited definition of what sexuality can be in a relationship. If you aren’t doing “the deed,” it doesn’t mean that your marriage isn’t sexual. A sexual connection is about more than intercourse. It can also mean holding hands, feeling an emotional bond, making loving contact or sending sexy texts. At times in a marriage where intercourse naturally wanes — such as after the birth of a child — it’s good to have this expanded vocabulary of sexual acts to draw on to keep your bond strong.
Be Honest about the Underlying Cause
Sexuality is an important part of your marriage. If your desire is misaligned with your husband’s, start by looking for possible causes.
There could be a physical reason you’re just not in the mood for sex lately. Health issues, medications, hormonal changes, aging … they can all put a damper on your libido. Consider getting a checkup if you suspect a physical cause for your lack of sexual desire.
Your lack of desire might also have an emotional component. You might be bringing some other issues into the bedroom. If, say, you’re super-resentful that he doesn’t do more around the house, it’s hard to feel too frisky. It’s important to deal directly with the problem that’s dampening your desire.
Or you could just be plain exhausted by the frantic pace of our lives today, so you stop having sex as often. Unfortunately, the less frequently you have sex, the less likely you are to want it (use it or lose it). If your sex life has fizzled out because you’re busy and tired, try scheduling some time to get intimate when you’re not so worn out. This doesn’t sound very romantic, but it actually works.
If You Do Need to Say No to Sex
When you do turn your husband down, communicate what’s going on with you. For example, “I’m exhausted after these past two days at work” or “I just can’t stop thinking about my mom’s illness right now.” He needs to know that he’s not the reason you’re not in the mood for sex. It’s also helpful to suggest another time the two of you can possibly connect sexually.
Taking a pass on sex will feel a lot less charged if your husband isn’t the only one who ever initiates it. If he’s always the one who has to risk rejection, he could just stop asking. Make the first move sometimes.
Consider Saying ‘Yes’
Sometimes you really, really are not in the mood for sex. When it’s just not happening for you, don’t hesitate to say no. But sometimes your mood might be more “eh” than “no.” Or maybe you know that you tend to get more into things once sex gets started. If that’s the case, consider giving him the thumbs-up. But this should not become the pattern in your relationship.
For more advice like this, check out my book Strong Women, Strong Love. I wrote it to help busy couples enhance both physical and emotional intimacy.