We’ve all heard the advice. “Never go to bed angry.” Supposedly, you’re supposed to work everything out and start fresh the next day.
But what if you can’t? What if you’re still steaming and he’s clueless about why you’re mad?
Or, maybe you know it’s going to take a while to discuss what happened and you really need to get to bed?
Or you simply don’t want to…
It’s fine to wait. In fact, sometimes it’s a really good idea to do so. Discussing sensitive topics when you’re fuming will get you nowhere. Same thing applies if you’re tired, not feeling it, or simply don’t have the time right then.
Now, just because you’re not going to resolve things before bed, doesn’t mean there aren’t some other things you should do! Consider some of these tips to make sure waiting to resolve the conflict doesn’t cause damage to your relationship:
Even if you table the conversation, reassure your spouse about your commitment to the relationship and desire to work through the problem. Set up a time when the two of you can talk.
No matter when you have the discussion, it’s important that you’ve settled yourself down. Once you can think more clearly and engage without harshness, check in with your spouse and see if he is also calm enough to talk. You may not have the ability to work through conflict until you’ve had time to shift your body. Rest can certainly help with that!
Let go of small disagreements that are coming up mostly because of stress. I’m not saying you should tolerate mistreatment. I’m just saying that if you see that what you’re arguing about is actually minor, it’s okay not to process it. Just get a good night’s sleep and move on the next day.
Although it is fine to go to bed angry, be careful not to sweep things under the rug. Just get yourself into a more calm, constructive mindset and tackle the problem when the two of you are ready.
What messages did you get about anger when you were growing up?
I bet you heard statements like these:
Girls shouldn’t get so mad.
Don’t curse. It isn’t very ladylike.
Guys don’t like angry, bitter women.
Calm down. You’re being so dramatic.
The people who instilled this kind of thinking in us weren’t doing us any favours. Misconceptions about anger and a lack of healthy strategies for dealing with anger can damage your relationship. So, let’s get a fresh perspective on this intense emotion that you might fear and avoid.
When Anger Goes Wrong
Far too many women think anger is telling them something negative about themselves. Thanks to what they learned from their families of origin and our culture, they fear deep down that anger means they’re a bad, aggressive person. They believe that if they could just be better somehow, they wouldn’t get angry.
These beliefs lead to:
>> Tolerating behaviour that makes you feel disrespected. For example, your husband habitually runs late. Or even behaviour that harms your family, like overspending.
>> Avoiding anger at all costs. Never having an argument doesn’t improve your marriage. In fact, the opposite can happen if you are sweeping issues under the rug.
>> Seething silently in resentment. In many marriages, women build up resentment around housework and emotional labor.
>> Withdrawing and becoming depressed. This happens when you lose any hope of getting your needs met.
>> Complaints that do give voice to your anger, but in a way that’s unlikely to get your husband to change what’s making you angry.
>> Mean-spirited venting with friends. Again, this might feel like you’re doing something with your anger. But you’re actually just cultivating contempt for your husband while avoiding the real issues.
>> We all have a breaking point. If you suppress anger long enough, you’re likely to lash out. When that happens, your words will be a lot more hurtful than the ones you would have chosen if you’d addressed your anger earlier.
How Anger Can Help You
You may not realize that anger doesn’t have to result in screaming and wounded feelings. It can actually help you improve your relationship. Anger also isn’t some indication of your character, or lack thereof.
The very wise psychologist and author, Harriet Lerner, recommends viewing anger as a warning signal. It reliably tells you when something is wrong and you need to take action to protect yourself.
To use anger in a positive way, first notice how you react when you notice angry feelings surfacing. If you tend to judge yourself and say, “Ugh, I shouldn’t be such a bitch,” or push your anger down with “No time to feel that now!” see if you can just let yourself feel the emotion without trying to judge it or squash it.
Instead of recoiling from your own anger, tune in and ask yourself what your anger is trying to communicate to you. Some common messages behind anger include:
Your needs aren’t being met.
You are being disrespected.
You are doing too much.
Someone has crossed a line with you.
When you have a handle on what’s causing your anger, you can act on it in a more effective way and use your anger as catalyst for positive change. For example, you can establish or affirm healthy boundaries around what you will do, how much you will give, and what you will tolerate. You can lovingly but firmly stand up for what you need and what you expect.
Read More About Women and Anger
I won’t lie to you: while embracing your anger is liberating, it can also be an uncomfortable journey. All of those early messages are deeply ingrained in our minds, and our society still has some deeply messed up attitudes about women and anger. To aid you in this work, I recommend Lerner’s book The Dance of Anger, as well as my own book, Strong Women, Strong Love: The Missing Manual for the Modern Marriage.
As the novel coronavirus pandemic continues, many couples are experiencing extra stress and pressure. You or your partner may be dealing with job loss or putting in long hours as remote work blurs the line between professional and personal life. If you have kids, you’re probably coping with disruption in their routines and navigating challenges like online schooling.
When life gets crazy, the care and maintenance of your marriage often falls to the back burner. There are just so many other things competing for your attention that it’s tempting to put your relationship on autopilot for a while.
But this is a grave mistake. As a psychologist who has worked with countless couples, I’ve seen how easy it is for spouses to drift apart — even when they’ve been together a long time, and even when they still love each other.
The deep and sudden shifts in our lives this year can accelerate this process. While the pandemic won’t last forever (no matter what it feels like), any neglectful behaviors you fall into now can do lasting damage to your relationship.
Little habits have big consequences. That’s the bad news and the good news. Here are the daily practices that will help you maintain a loving and happy partnership even when both of you feel stretched thin.
Turn Up the Positivity
If you have a green thumb, you know that keeping your plants healthy requires care regularly, not just when you feel like it. The same thing is true of your marriage.
Plants need water and sunlight to thrive. In the same way, your marriage will wither without a steady supply of positivity. The marriage researcher John Gottman discovered that longtime happy couples have 20 positive interactions for every negative one.
Having a positivity-filled marriage doesn’t mean that life is all romance and passion (although both are wonderful, of course). Positivity also happens in the little moments of every day. When your spouse puts their phone away while you’re talking, or when you thank them for picking up extra work around the house while your job is crazy, you’re filling the “positivity bank” of your relationship.
With the stress we’re all under, those positive moments can dwindle. Maybe the two of you used to catch up with each other after a busy day by talking and cuddling in bed. Now, though, you’re spending the time before sleep answering emails you missed during the day.
It doesn’t seem like a big deal. You’re just doing what you have to do to stay caught up, right? But with the loss of this positive ritual, your connection can start weakening.
Think about all the habits that have added positivity to your relationship in the past. Which ones do you still practice? Which ones have you let slide lately? How can you preserve the positive interactions that matter most to each of you— even when life looks different? For example, if you need to answer email in the evening, you could still set a cutoff time for putting devices away to focus on each other.
Fight the Right Way
Stressful times can also create more conflicts in your marriage. But that isn’t necessarily a problem. The important thing is how you handle those conflicts.
One of Gottman’s other major findings is that showing contempt during conflict is just about the worst thing you can do for your marriage. There’s a big difference between saying “Why don’t you care about the kids?” and “I’m exhausted managing my job and the kids’ online school. Can we talk about how to take some things off my plate?”
On the other hand, avoiding conflict altogether is also dangerous. You might be thinking “With so much going on, it’s just not worth getting into this right now.” Admittedly, sometimes it is better to let the little things go. But if your point of conflict is not a little thing, you can end up simmering with resentment and eventually blowing your top.
Or maybe the two of you tend to get into escalating battles of passive aggression instead of arguing. Your partner snaps at you for forgetting an errand. So you work late and skip dinner with your family. The next morning, they roll over and ignore you when you try to embrace. And on and on. Yes, you avoided a fight. But you may have done even more harm by undermining those positive moments we talked about earlier.
A better approach is to set aside time regularly to check in with each other and openly address issues before they become explosive. I understand that this might feel like just one more thing to do when your list of responsibilities is already long. But, in the long run, being proactive about disagreements helps ensure that your marriage sustains and replenishes you and isn’t just another drain on your energy.
Master the Art of Apologizing
No matter how determined you both are to be positive and to handle conflict respectfully, there are going to be times when you mess up and hurt each other’s feelings — especially these days.
Stress shuts down the parts of our brain that help us relate to others. Psychiatrist Dan Siegel calls this “flipping your lid.” When you’re in this brain state, you get really bad at processing information and showing empathy.
You also become more defensive. That means that it’s not only easier to behave badly toward your partner when you’re under pressure; it’s also harder to apologize. How dare they get upset that you weren’t listening (or that you got snappish, or forgot a chore)? Don’t they know everything that you’re dealing with right now?
Refusing to apologize might protect your pride, but it hurts your marriage. If apologies are hard for you, I recommend checking out the work of psychologist and relationship expert Harriet Lerner. According to Lerner, a true apology can happen only after you have listened to and come to understand why your partner is hurt. Your apology won’t create healing if you make excuses, over-explain, blame your spouse for your mistake or and bring up what they’re doing wrong.
The French actress Simone Signoret once said: “Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads, which sew people together through the years.” Every action you take in your marriage either stitches you together more closely or frays the ties that bind you. Which will you choose today?
I had the distinct pleasure of being interviewed by David Waranch of the Authentic Dad podcast. Here’s the introduction from his site and a link to the podcast below.
August 20, 2020
Welcome to the Authentic Dad Podcast! I’m David Waranch and I coach dads on having a greater impact in the world, living on their own terms, flourishing in their relationships.
Today, I’m joined by Dr. Poonam Sharma. Dr. Sharma is an experienced psychologist in San Antonio. She’s the author of Strong Women, Strong Love: The Missing Manual for the Modern Marriage.
I wanted to talk to Dr. Sharma because I found her book very helpful and practical in navigating marriage and relationships in the modern world. I really enjoy her down to earth and practical style of writing.
We talk about marital expectations, the 5 human needs, gender roles, and much more.
I’ve seen it happen again and again. Especially to people who have been together for a long time. Their relationship was solid at the beginning. And they still love each other. After all, they’ve been through so much together. And yet, they are slowly drifting apart. Neither one can point to any clear moment when their relationship started to unravel. But it clearly has.
Why does it unravel?
There’s a really popular idea that once you fall in love, you’ll stay that way, unless you’re one of the unlucky ones who don’t. Of course, when you’re in love, you never think that could be you.
Unfortunately, this type of thinking supports being passive when it comes to your marriage. And that is a very dangerous idea. Because instead of actively tending to the relationship, you may think that if you really love each other, it will be okay.
Things become even more precarious when you’re angry with each other. Instead of kissing your husband as he heads off to work, you may ignore him instead. He might retaliate by working late and skipping the typical family dinner. The next morning, perhaps he extends an olive branch by reaching over and touching you in the morning. If you’re not ready yet, you may turn your back to him, registering a rejection on his end.
This back and forth can continue, slowly unraveling your daily relationship rituals. Add the stress of kids, work pressures, or money problems to the mix and you have a perfect recipe for the connection coming part. Until, you are now going to bed at different times, only discussing the daily tasks that need to be completed, and barely touching each other anymore.
Are you the frog?
It’s easy to end up like the frog in the boiling water. If you haven’t heard this story, it’s about putting a frog in some tepid water and then slowly increasing the heat. If you heat things up slowly enough, the frog will adapt to the changing temperature and won’t realize the danger surrounding it.
It’s the same way with your marriage. Thousands of small interactions over time strain your connection. if you don’t repair the hurt in a timely way, your relationship can come apart. All without your fully understanding why.
How to keep it together
Here are a few quick tips to keep your relationship strong as the years go by:
Remember to tend to your marriage like you would a living plant, making sure you are both getting what you need.
When you hurt each other, repair the damage quickly. Focus your energy on the big problems. Let go of the small annoyances that are coming up simply because you’re stressed out.
Exercise discipline about keeping positive relationship habits in place. If you normally give him a quick kiss when he leaves, do it. Yes, even if you’re mad and don’t feel like it. Why? It’s easier to give a half-hearted kiss than to stop kissing him and then try to get back into that habit again. Tearing things down takes just a minute, while building them back up is much, much harder.
Remember the words of Simone Segnoret:
“Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years.”
Make sure your actions help preserve the connection. To learn more about other ways you can strengthen your marriage, consider picking up a copy of my book, Strong Women, Strong Love.
Have you seen the Netflix series “Indian Matchmaking“? It is one of the most talked about shows in recent memory. And that talk is widely varied.
For some, “Indian Matchmaking” is simply just another addictive dating show, like “Love Is Blind” or “The Bachelor.”
But others are aghast that the matchmaker, Sima Taparia, openly uses social class, skin color and beauty as criteria for selecting a mate. She also considers personality, educational background and profession because her goal is to optimize compatibility and make sure families fully support the marriage.
As someone of Indian background, I want to consider how this very different model of marriage might provide some insight into what is necessary for any marriage to work.
My Parents’ Story — and Mine
My parents never even saw each other before getting married. They were both in their early 20s when their families arranged their marriage in India. When my father told the story of their wedding day, he would always note that my mother’s face was veiled, so he was not even sure whom he was marrying! Yet their marriage lasted over 50 years until my father died.
Like most of you, it’s hard for me to imagine agreeing to an arranged marriage myself. However, as someone who has been married for over 20 years now, I am better able to understand some of the factors that make both types of marriages work. After all, no matter how your marriage began, we are all challenged to make the relationship one that works for us.
Where Does Romance Come In?
My guess is that some of the interest in “Indian Matchmaking” from U.S. audiences comes from disenchantment with marriage or the process of finding a mate here.
As I’ve written before, our current cultural norms around marriage set couples up for disappointment. We have come to think of marriage as the end all, be all of life relationships. Not only do expect our partner to be a nice person who’s compatible with us. We also seek a soul mate who will unceasingly shower us with passion and romance.
But, as you know, a marriage is about a lot more than romance and passion.It’s often about raising children together. It’s about maintaining a roof over your heads. It’s about getting along with each other’s parents and possibly even caring for them when they grow old and infirm. It’s about the laundry, paying the bills and making big life decisions together in a way that makes both of you feel reasonably happy and heard.
Sometimes a “fairy tale” romance evolves into a solid partnership for navigating real life. But sometimes it doesn’t. If that’s where you find yourself, it may be intriguing to watch relationships that have the opposite trajectory. Arranged marriages have their roots in family and practicality. From there, the assumption is that couples can grow romantic love.
What Do YOU Think of ‘Indian Matchmaking’?
You don’t have to be in an arranged marriage like my father to think, “Who is this person I’m married to?” Sometimes it feels like the man you fell in love with has changed into a stranger.
But I firmly believe that if the two of you have a respectful partnership — that is, you can manage your household together and treat each other with kindness and friendship — then rekindling romance is actually the easier part. As you are there for each other through thick and thin, the bond grows deeper, and you can find yourself falling in love with your husband all over again.
No matter how your marriage begins, you will always have to work on it. That’s one of the things I take away from “Indian Matchmaking.” How about you? I’d love to hear your take on this intriguing, and polarizing, show.
Are you struggling because your work situation has changed dramatically with COVID-19? If you’re home with your spouse and kids during this pandemic, you’re not alone.
The Struggle is Real
So many parents working from home, especially those with elementary-age kids, are worn out. Without childcare or summer camp, home has become a pressure cooker of stress for lots of people.
Those with older kids face different challenges. Adolescents, especially, may be frustrated with limits on social contact with friends and challenge rules you’ve implemented for their well-being.
The Immediate Future Offers No Relief
And, as we head into the fall, it’s understandable you’re worried about how to juggle the demands of work and teaching.
This is especially true if your employer is not very sympathetic about all you are trying to balance.
Work Together to Get Through
You may already be struggling with a sense of feeling trapped and pushed to your limits as this pandemic drags on with no clear end in sight.
Remember that this situation really is temporary. Simply do your best to protect what is most important: your health and your relationships.
Work with your spouse to see what you can do to ease the strain in the months ahead. Here are a few tips to help you:
Sit down with your spouse and identify what each of you needs on a daily basis to feel positive. Problem solve how to support each other and your kids as you work from home.
Take breaks from multitasking. If it’s possible, negotiate with your spouse to have chunks of time when you can focus on work without interruption. If you are more flexible than your spouse during the work day, then make sure you get a solid break when his work day ends. Everyone needs some time without demands on them!
Make things more convenient and less work for you. Stock up on meals your kids can prepare very easily or consider meal prep services that deliver ready-made food. Set up a snack station for your kids. If you can have a person who safely comes to your house to care for the kids while you work, that’s even better!
If it’s safe to do so, expand your bubble of safety to include other family members or close friends who are being as cautious as you are during the pandemic. Having more people in the mix may allow all of you to come up with some creative solutions for supporting each other.
Structure can really help decrease everyone’s stress. With little ones, writing the schedule down, planning activities ahead of time, and sticking to a routine can help. You can also brainstorm what kids can do if they are bored, or simply let them find creative ways to manage their boredom.
Expand your definition of learning to include skills kids pick up at home, as well as what they are taught at school. Although academic skills are important and you prefer they be in school with their teachers, kids can learn some very important life skills right now. Teach them to clean the house, do laundry, take care of pets, or fix a snack or small meal. There is an opportunity to help your kids gain more independence and self-confidence if you can come up with age-appropriate tasks. They will feel proud being able to contribute to the household if you ask them to do things to help you and don’t expect them to be perfect.
Give kids brief periods of focused attention. Tank them up emotionally and they will be more likely to do things on their own for a while.
Get your children outside. A walk in the early morning. A sprinkler to run through. Watering the plants. Maybe dance time. Movement will help burn off some energy and improve behavior.
Adjust your expectations. You can’t do it all. Just accept that now. Your kids may spend more time on screens that you like. They may not have all the academic support you wish they had. They may walk in during a Zoom call. It’s okay. Just do your best and know there’s nothing else you can do.
Take note of the opportunity to create a saner lifestyle by paying attention to how good it feels to have fewer outside demands and more family time outside work. It will be easy to lose this important perspective once things get back to normal.
Protect Each Other and Your Relationship
Keeping your stress managed is an important part of protecting your relationship too.
This pandemic can bring your and your husband closer if you can work together to deal with the challenges this situation presents.
Hold onto each other and walk through this difficult time together. If you do this, your relationship will actually be stronger when the pandemic is behind us.
You’ve been with your husband a while, and some of the things he does drive you so crazy that you wonder if you possibly married the wrong man. He falls short of so many of your expectations. How do you know whether you made a mistake or whether it’s just normal to feel this way in a marriage?
So, let me start by asking you a really important question: Who did you marry?
Notice, I did NOT say: Who do you wish you had married?
Who Is This Man You Married?
Take a really close look at your husband and ask yourself these questions:
Is he lazy or a hard worker?
Is he easy going or inflexible?
Does he have your back when things are rough, or does he leave you to fend for yourself?
Is he generally kind or mean?
Is he a good dad or uncaring with the kids?
Does he know how to nurture, or is he clueless about how to take care of someone?
Is he messy or a neat freak?
What are his best qualities?
What are his worst ones?
Are his good qualities ones that really matter to you?
Are his worse qualities deal breakers?
How well do the two of you work as a team?
Why did you marry him in the first place?
Can You Accept Him?
Very often, the frustration you feel toward your spouse simply comes from a failure to accept the person you actually married. Women often go into a marriage with the mentality that they will “fix up” the guy they married. When attempts to change him fail, the challenge is to accept reality.
Your husband may never be the man in your dreams, but that doesn’t mean he’s not a great marriage partner. He cannot compete with the idealized image in your mind. So, the challenge then is for you to love him as is, without any upgrades.
What Old Married Couples Know
Couples who have been married for years and are still happy have inevitably come to understand the importance of deeply loving and accepting their partner, even with all their quirks and foibles.
It’s when you step into a place of deeper acceptance, that your real marriage actually begins.
To help you start exploring, I’m answering 10 of the most common questions that women ask about marriage. In each answer, you’ll find links to past blog articles where you can get more in-depth information.
1. Do My Husband and I Fight Too Much?
How often you argue with your husband is much less important than the way you fight. The goal isn’t having a conflict-free marriage. Instead, it’s moving through these bumps in the road in a constructive way that clears the air and strengthens your bond. So if you argue frequently, but you still behave lovingly and respectfully with each other when you do, then your conflicts probably are not a problem.
2. What Should I Do If I Want Sex More (or Less) Than My Husband Does?
There’s no right, or wrong, answer to the amount of sex you should be having in your marriage. It’s all about finding the frequency that meets both of your needs. If you’re not in sync in the bedroom, look for possible causes. For example, maybe one of you is having a physical issue or is feeling particularly stressed lately.
Our lives often revolve around our
kids. We do this because we want what’s best for them. But making them the
center of the universe really isn’t best for them or for you.
More than endless activities, kids need parents who are relaxed, emotionally attuned to them and involved in a loving, respectful marriage. So think about some ways you can free up more time for your relationship. This might mean simplifying life or asking for extra support.
4. Can I Put the Spark Back in My Boring Marriage?
Absolutely! If you’re feeling bored with your husband, the underlying reason might be that you have lost touch with important parts of yourself. As busy partners and parents, it’s all too easy to neglect all the other things that used to light us up.
Think about some ways to rediscover your old passions. This doesn’t have to be expensive or time-consuming. Revive your yoga practice. Take an online class. Reconnect with a friend you love spending time with. Whatever you choose, you’ll bring new energy into your relationship.
5. Why Has My Husband Changed So Much?
What happened to the great guy you fell in love with? He’s still there — trust me. When it seems like your husband has changed, what’s probably actually happening is that the stress of your day-to-day life is making it harder to see his good qualities. This is just how our brains are wired. To bring your “good” husband back, tackle some of your top sources of stress (like overscheduling). Soon you’ll be seeing him through different eyes.
6. How Can I Get My Husband to Help More Around the House?
If you feel that your husband isn’t doing his fair share of housework, don’t just stew silently. That’s a recipe for resentment. Let your husband know you feel overburdened and ask directly for him to do specific tasks. Then give him a chance to step up.
I can hear what you’re saying: I shouldn’t have to ask! And I understand your frustration. But keep in mind that you are two unique people who came into the marriage with different life experiences, priorities and skills. It’s unrealistic to expect you to coordinate your complicated lives without clear, direct and respectful communication.
7. My Husband Is Cheating — Can Our Marriage Be Saved?
It’s not easy to heal your marriage after an affair, but it can be done. If you want to try to repair your relationship, he must be willing to admit what he has done, acknowledge the hurt it has caused and help you work through that pain.
At the same time, you have to be open to these repair attempts. And both of you must look at what made your relationship vulnerable to the affair.
8. What Should I Do If My Husband Wants to Separate?
If your husband has asked for a separation, it’s perfectly normal to feel lost and panicky. But resist the urge to tearfully plead for him to stay. Instead, deal with him from a place of confidence. You want your message to be more like this: “If you want to leave, I can’t stop you. I’m still committed to this marriage and would like for you to stay so we fix it. But you’re an adult, and I know I can’t tie you here.”
Don’t pressure him to come back. Allow him to experience the reality of what divorce would mean. Give him space to understand your importance in his life. It’s possible he will eventually want a divorce. It’s also possible that he’ll start missing you and the life you have built together.
9. Should I (Gulp) Leave My Husband?
Ending your marriage is a wrenching decision — and a deeply personal one. To guide your choice, ask yourself these questions:
Did I ask for what I need?
Did I address any serious issues present (like addiction or abuse)?
What went wrong?
And what role did each of you play?
10. Will My Marriage Last?
The best way to predict the future of your marriage is to take a look at what’s going on in your relationship right now. Do you both fight fair? Manage your ongoing issues? Know how to apologize? Then it’s likely that your marriage will last. (Learn more signs of a great marriage.)
On the other hand, your behaviors can also reveal whether your marriage is headed for trouble. Researcher John Gottman identified the four behaviors that predict divorce: defensiveness, criticism, stonewalling and contempt. If you and your husband engage in these behaviors frequently, it’s time to get serious about saving your marriage.
Getting on each other’s nerves during COVID-19 lockdown? Here’s a great article about how to manage those feelings of irritation and overwhelm.
Do you lose your temper often only to say or do things you regret?
We’ve all been there. One moment you are fine, but then someone or something triggers you. You “lose your mind” and can’t control yourself. You are “flooded.” You find yourself yelling at your partner, giving disproportionate punishment to your kids, slamming doors, threatening to quit your job, and spiraling downwards.
Several minutes or hours later, you calm down and realize, with regret, the damage that you have done.
During the coronavirus epidemic lockdown, anxiety, uncertainty, and conflicts are especially increased in relationships. These conditions make emotional “flooding” more common and harder to control than in other, more normal times.
The good news is that you can help minimize such flooding. The first step to minimizing flooding is to understand how our brain is hardwired.