Let Yourself be Seen
To be seen as we truly are, is the biggest risk we will ever take. Will we be enough as we really are?
~Cinderella, 2015
Be Yourself, and Only Yourself
A Woman in harmony with her spirit is like a river flowing.
She goes where she will without pretense
and arrives at her destination
prepared to be herself and only herself.
-Maya Angelou
5 Ways Busy Couples Can Connect in under a Minute
Today’s blog has marriage advice especially for busy couples — and which couples aren’t busy these days, right?
It’s easy to let the daily maintenance of your marriage take a backseat to all the other demands and obligations in your days. But it is possible to infuse your relationship with love and care even when your schedules are tight. Here are five quick, effective and research-backed ideas for building intimacy quickly.
- Look into his eyes, not at your phone.
Eye contact builds connection and helps your partner feel valued. Remember, though, that this has to be loving eye contact. No shooting daggers with your eyes! When you have four minutes, try more intense uninterrupted eye contact, like in this video, to deepen intimacy quickly:
- Help when he’s stressed.
Stress has a huge impact on our marriages. If your partner seems stressed out, ask what he needs from you. Maybe the answer will be unloading the dishwasher even if it’s not your night to or giving him a hug. Whatever the answer, just asking how you can help creates a sense of teamwork in your marriage.
- Connect with texts.
Texting is a busy couple’s best friend. You’re probably already in the habit of texting your husband when you get caught in a work meeting and need him to pick up the kids, or when you think of an errand that’s close to his office. But try sending a text when you don’t need something. Just let him know that you’re thinking about him. Make it as sweet – or as spicy – as you like. Creating a quick connection like this in your busy day helps maintain the health of your marriage.
- Greet him warmly.
We all have a need to be seen and heard by the people we love. It sounds simple, but just acknowledging him with a hug and warm smile when one of you gets home goes a long way toward making your time together emotionally positive.
- Reach out through touch.
Sometimes things are so busy that you don’t even have time to talk. Don’t forget the power of touch to help you and your husband connect. A quick, meaningful kiss, hug, or squeeze of the hand can convey deep caring. The more often you touch, even if it is brief, the closer you’ll feel to each other.
My book Strong Women, Strong Love has lots more marriage advice to help you keep your relationship healthy even when you’re tight on time. And I promise it’s a quick read!
IVF and Your Marriage
Going through the in-vitro fertilization process can be a blessing for building your family, but a big stress on your marriage. As a psychologist, one of my areas of specialization is working with couples dealing with infertility. I’ve counseled many couples doing IVF and seen what helps and hurts their relationships. Here are some insights I’ve gained that can you help you take care of your marriage while you’re on your own IVF journey.
Different Coping Styles
Men and women often cope differently with the IVF process. One the most common relationship patterns couples fall into is the wife becoming extremely focused on the IVF process, while her husband, worried that he’ll add to her stress, pulls back. She wants to talk to him about IVF constantly because that’s what’s foremost on her mind. When he seems disinterested, she starts to feel alone and angry and wonders if he even cares.
Does he care? Clearly, he does, but his priority is often different from hers. It’s not at all unusual for the husband to be more concerned about his wife’s distress than whether or not they conceive. His primary goal is making sure she’s OK and happy. He thinks he’s protecting her from stress by not joining her in talking about IVF all the time. He’s most likely thinking,”She’s worried and crying all the time. I want a baby, too, but I want her to be OK more than anything else.”
It’s easy to misinterpret each other’s actions and to ascribe malicious intent when stress is high. In reality, each partner is just trying to cope — and each is having trouble understanding the way the other person is dealing with IVF. Sometimes guys don’t get that that talking about feelings can lead to a sense of release for women. And sometimes women don’t get that a guy still cares about her and the IVF process even if he doesn’t want to talk about it as much as she does. It helps if both partners can open up a little more about what works for them. For example, a wife could say: “I know I can get kind of intense sometimes when we talk about IVF, but it helps me feel calmer afterward.”
You’re Still Valued
Women dealing with infertility often feel inadequate because they feel their bodies have failed them. For some women, pregnancy and childbirth are so central to their identity as a woman, that they can’t imagine how a man could want to be with them if they can’t conceive. More times than not, men are the first to say that they love their wives and will be OK, with or without kids. Sometimes wives have trouble believing this and will need to hear this message repeated several times before it sinks in. But when a wife does fully take in this loving message — that her partner cherishes her and values her when she’s feeling flawed and broken — it’s very powerful.
Expanding the Options
Sometimes couples who are struggling during IVF need to consider other ways they could become parents, such as through surrogacy or adoption. Doing so can help ease some of the stress of the IVF process if you know that it’s not your only route to parenthood.
I’ve noticed that sometimes husbands may not get why it’s helpful to talk about other options while the couple is still doing IVF. Their mindset is more like, “We’re doing IVF right now, so let’s stay positive about that. Why should we plan for something we may not even need to do?” It’s important for a man to understand that talking about other options doesn’t mean his wife is giving up on IVF — it just gives her back some of the hope and sense of control she might be missing.
More Tips for Couples Going Through IVF
- Take stress seriously. Did you know that stress levels of people dealing with infertility are comparable to those of people with cancer? Going through IVF is physically, emotionally and financially stressful. And couples are at risk of becoming isolated because family and friends don’t understand what they’re going through, especially their pain as others welcome children.
- Pace yourself. Think of conceiving through IVF as a marathon, not a sprint. You may need to take a break sometimes, especially if your marriage is showing signs of wear and tear from the process.
- Let yourself grieve. Feelings of loss are a normal part of infertility and IVF, and space needs to be created to deal with these emotions. Especially when you’ve had a loss, such as a miscarriage, it’s important to make sure you’ve absorbed this loss before soldiering on.
- Stay connected. Check in frequently with each other about where you are as a couple. Make sure your marriage is still a priority. You don’t want to end with a baby and a damaged marriage.
- Get information and support. I recommend RESOLVE.org, the website of the National Infertility Association. Another useful resource is the book Conquering Infertility by Alice D. Domar. Learning more about your situation can help you feel less alone and more “normal.” And If you are feeling extremely overwhelmed, please get professional support.
Finally, remember that while adversity can test your marriage, it can also bring you closer together. Remind yourselves to hold on tightly to each other while you’re going through IVF — and always.
The Truth About Respect and Love
My Valentine’s Day blog gave tips about firing up the passion in your relationship. This week, I want to talk about something a little less romantic but perhaps even more important: the connection between respect and love.
Just as we want the passion to continue in our relationships, we want the loving feelings, caring and sweetness to go on, as well. Too often we assume that these things take care of themselves. But just like passion, emotional intimacy needs maintenance in your relationship.
And the way to maintain a loving atmosphere in your marriage is to maintain a respectful atmosphere.
In my book, Strong Women, Strong Love, I note that respect is, in many ways, even more important than love in your relationship. Respect is the very soil from which true love sprouts.
In long-term relationships, it’s quite normal for feelings of love and passion to wax and wane over time. If partners have maintained a deep respect for each other, in time, these feelings can be rekindled. However, when there is a serious breakdown of respect, relationships inevitably end up deeply troubled.
Respect in a relationship can be lost unintentionally if we’re not being mindful of it. It’s all too easy to shift into “autopilot” with our spouses and slip into disrespect over time. We get so used to having each other around that sometimes we don’t truly “see” the other person any longer, and we don’t think about the impact of our words and actions. We might end up talking to our spouse without the same common courtesy we’d show a neighbor or colleague. How would your co-workers react if you rarely listened and talked to them mainly to point out what they weren’t doing or what they were doing badly? Your marriage can’t thrive that way, either.
Rebuilding Respect
If you’re ready to strengthen the respect in your marriage so that love can flourish, here are a few fundamentals:
- Respect means valuing and holding each other in high regard. You can still express your needs and even argue, but you can’t attack your spouse’s dignity if you want your marriage to last.
- Respect creates feelings of safety and trust in a relationship. It doesn’t matter how clearly you communicate, you’ll never achieve deep emotional intimacy if you say hurtful things when you express your true thoughts and feelings. When there is respect, it’s much easier to get emotionally closer, so don’t be brutally honest.
- Respect is also about accepting your natural differences. The fact that the two of you are different is not a problem, unless you devalue each other based on those differences. For example, maybe your husband doesn’t emotionally disclose as readily as you do. If you think you’re a better human being because you’re more in touch with your feelings, that’s a disrespectful stance that can hurt your marriage.
- Respect is a verb. Show respect and love regularly through your words and actions.
- Respect and contempt can’t co-exist. According to the Gottman Institute, contempt is the No. 1 predictor of divorce. Treating each other with disrespect will eventually destroy your relationship.
- Respect for yourself is as essential as respect for your partner.
I write much more about the relationship between respect and love in my book Strong Women, Strong Love. This week, look for ways to build respect in your marriage, whether that means choosing your words more carefully when you want your husband to do something around the house, or exercising your own self-respect by setting boundaries on disrespectful behavior.
Aretha Franklin was right: It really all does come down to R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
