Dr. John Gottman, Dr. Julie Gottman, & Dr. Daniel Siegel
Do you remember the last time you “flipped your lid”? Or experienced it when your spouse did?
“Flipping your lid” is psychiatrist Dr. Daniel Siegel’s term for what happens when stress shuts down part of your brain. Marital researcher Dr. John Gottman calls it “emotional flooding.” You may have described it other ways: “I tried to talk to him, but it was like he’d lost his mind.” “I was so freaked out, I just couldn’t listen.”
Did you know that when you (or your partner) feel like this, it’s actually because of a hardwired response that is activated when you feel physically or emotionally threatened?
The hand model
During The Siegel-Gottman Summit I attended last month in Seattle, Siegel explained the brain science behind “flipping your lid.” To help us understand what goes on in our brains when we “flip,” he demonstrated a hand model of the brain which you can see in the following video:
As he shows in the video, when our stress levels get too high, we’re exhausted, or we feel threatened, the primitive area of the brain geared toward survival hijacks the part of that brain that reasons, plans and makes good decisions. When you flip out, you are essentially turning on the body’s “fight or flight” response and are much more likely to behave in ways that infuriate or alienate your partner.
It’s important to remember that your partner can’t just turn off or snap out of this response. It’s also vital to understand that when your partner flips his lid, he’s not showing you his “true colors” or some side of his personality he had kept hidden. He’s just showing you that, in this particular moment, his brain is temporarily overwhelmed.
What stops working when we flip our lids?
We can’t process information.
Because we’re not really hearing what the other person is saying, we don’t have empathy.
We get defensive and have difficulty being open
We get “stuck in our story” — we keep repeating our position.
We get tunnel vision
We can’t effectively solve problems
Factors that increase the odds of flipping your lid
Being hungry, tired, under pressure or chronically stressed sets us up to flip our lids. That sounds a lot like a typical day in our busy, modern lives, doesn’t it? Our brains also feel very threatened when we’re on the receiving end of criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling. Gottman calls these negative behaviors “The Four Horsemen” because their chronic presence often predicts the end of a relationship. When you are flooded by overwhelming negativity from your spouse, you’re much more likely to flip out.
What helps
If you find yourself flipping your lid during an argument with your spouse, the most helpful thing you both can do is stand down for a while. You need at least 20 minutes for your nervous system to calm down so that you can be responsive to the other person. It may take longer, especially if you keep talking to yourself negatively even after you’ve stepped back from the tense situation. To keep from stewing, practice a calming activity like taking a walk or doing breathing exercises. When you’re ready, re-engage gently with your partner. Use a soft tone of voice, gentle touch and kind eye contact. But if either of you is still overwhelmed, back off again and practice more self-soothing.
It’s interesting to note that men get flooded (to use Gottman’s term) more easily and stay flooded longer. So if your partner tends to shut down and withdraw, this could be what’s going on. You may feel like chasing after your husband when he distances to try to get him to re-engage — after all, it seems like dismissive behavior if you don’t know the brain science behind it. But it’s actually better to let him pull back for a while until his brain can reset.
Preventing flip-outs
The right self-care habits can keep our brains running in a calmer state and make us less likely to flip our lids. Regularly practicing meditation, guided imagery or deep breathing literally changes how our brains are wired. Learning the early warning signals that either you or your husband are headed for flip out helps too. When you see that either one of you is getting overwhelmed, practice an ounce of prevention by dialing down the level of stress and keeping things as calm as possible.
More from the conference
Another fascinating topic that Siegel discussed was the adolescent brain and what we can learn from it about our own brain health. Read more on the main website for my practice.
When your husband is tired or depleted, he takes a break to have fun, sleeps or has a snack.
But when you are tired or depleted, you keep pushing on, because people need you and there’s so much to be done.
And his ability to hit the “off” switch is driving you a little crazy. It just seems so … selfish.
Let’s take a closer look at what’s going on here.
Men get very different messages about self-care than we do. They’re more at ease with the idea that they have to tend to their own needs as a part of basic self-maintenance.
As women, though, we’ve often internalized the idea that self-care equals selfishness. We’re taught to prioritize others to a fault. When we expect ourselves to have it all and do it all, it’s hard to fit down time into that vision.
This may sound counterintuitive at first, but you’ll be able to do more if you take your foot off the gas sometimes. You need self-care — rest, exercise, healthy food, time for yourself — to have the marriage, family and career you want.
If you find yourself irritated at your husband for sleeping in on Saturdays or taking his annual guys camping trip when your family is busy, your ire could be a reflection of how harsh and demanding you are being on yourself.
There’s a quote I love by the late Dr. Maya Angelou: “I do not trust people who don’t love themselves and yet tell me ‘I love you.’ There is an African saying, which is ‘Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt.’”
Try this: Experiment with giving yourself a break for self-care. Be compassionate and gentle with yourself, remembering that you’re not being selfish. Allow yourself to experience how good it feels to stop pushing and tend to your own needs for a while. Isn’t it a relief? Keep doing this, and you may see a shift in how you feel when your husband takes down time.
A marriage retreat is a wonderful thing to do for your relationship, and summer is a great time to do one. While there are plenty of good options out there if you want to go on a formal marriage retreat, you can also plan a “DIY” retreat which can be far more convenient. All you need are an open mind and a little extra downtime, perhaps when the kids are visiting Grandma or busy with their own activities on vacation.
The goal of any marriage retreat is to bring you closer to each other. You’ll want to take an honest look at how your relationship is going, and come up with some ways to make it even better.
Here are the 5 general steps to follow for a DIY marriage retreat:
1. Set a date. Intentionally schedule some cozy time together – maybe a long date night or a weekend away. Then get to work on creating a mood that is relaxed and emotionally inviting, so the two of you will want to show up!
2. Get fully present. Remove all the distractions and get physically relaxed. Turn off the cell phones and other technology. Play music, take a walk together, or get a massage. Share a delicious meal and linger over dessert. Make eye contact, smile, and hold hands. Give each other the gift of your full attention.
3. Be curious. For your relationship to succeed, it helps for you and your partner to know each other really well — and we’re not just talking about clothing sizes or favorite foods. Without deeper knowledge of your spouse, it’s easy for misunderstandings and resentment to escalate. Although you may believe you already know everything there is to know about your husband, open your mind and see if you can take that learning to a deeper level by making that a major focus of your DIY marriage retreat. The key is to really listen, as if you didn’t know your partner at all.
Here are a few areas you can explore together:
Your best and worst memories of childhood.
What you emotionally needed as a child, but did not get.
What your family taught you about conflict.
What your family taught you about expressing emotions.
What you family taught you about touch and sexuality.
What your family taught you about money.
What your family taught you about gender roles.
How your cultural background affected your upbringing.
How your family’s economic situation affected you.
How your family structure affected you (i.e., single parent, step-family, adoptive family).
Your greatest regrets in life.
How you handle emotional pain.
What you feel proud of in your life.
Your dreams for your life.
What makes you feel absolutely loved and cherished.
Who has been most emotionally important to you in your life.
What is currently causing you the most stress.
What you need from the marriage, but are not getting.
How you can support each other in achieving your personal goals.
If you run out of topics to discuss, here are a 36 more questions research has shown will build intimacy in relationships: http://bit.ly/1sCdUIz. Of course, you don’t have to get through every discussion area this time. Nurturing your intimate friendship is an ongoing conversation — the important thing is just to start talking and exploring.
4. Express positive feelings. Everyone needs to feel loved, appreciated and supported. Take time out to explicitly tell your spouse what he means to you and how much you appreciate his presence in your life. Be sure to also voice gratitude for the little and big things he does for you. Now let him take a turn. If you recall, research shows that the couples who have the most successful long-term relationships tend to also be the most emotionally warm with one another.
5. Take it all home. Once the retreat is over, apply what you’ve learned to make your marriage even stronger. Being present, curious, and appreciative on a regular basis will certainly improve the quality of your relationship as you move forward together.
When the people we love or with whom we have a deep connection stop caring, stop paying attention, stop investing and fighting for the relationship, trust begins to slip away and hurt starts seeping in. Disengagement triggers shame and our greatest fears—the fears of being abandoned, unworthy, and unlovable. What can make this covert betrayal so much more dangerous than something like a lie or an affair is that we can’t point to the source of our pain—there’s no event, no obvious evidence of brokenness. It can feel crazy-making.
