by Strong Women Strong Love | Jul 7, 2014 | Quotes |
He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.
~Bob Marley
by Strong Women Strong Love | Jul 2, 2014 | Personal Power |
This Independence Day, I encourage you to think about your own independence within your marriage. I’ve seen a lack of independence hurt many relationships. Sometimes women get caught in the trap of being too focused on their husband after marriage. Our husbands fall in love with our vibrant individuality, but then are surprised when we start making everything about them.
What drives a person to be overly focused on their partner in a marriage?
- Insecurity. If you have a weak sense of self, odds are that you feel insecure and cling to your husband to make sure you don’t lose him. Unfortunately, excessive closeness can feel suffocating, so your husband may do the very thing you’re afraid of–pull away from you.
- Niceness. Many women also believe they must be nice and nurturing at all times, so they are constantly looking for what their husband needs. You may have the misconception that if you don’t completely take care of your husband, he will think of you’re selfish and become dissatisfied in the relationship. Be warned: If you are too nice and never take care of yourself, your husband may start to take you for granted, and this is an inevitable recipe for resentment.
- Need for approval. Another common fear is that if he doesn’t approve of your choices, he will become disinterested. So you may give up what you like to wear, the things you like to do, and the types of foods you like to eat in order to please him. Unfortunately, the more you twist yourself like a pretzel to get his approval, the more needy and boring you appear to him.
Independence doesn’t mean that you don’t think of your husband at all. (Behaving that way would create a whole other kind of relationship problem!) It’s good to care about him and want him to have his needs met. However, it’s also appropriate to consider your own needs and expect your partner to support you in meeting them.
Your relationship will be healthier and happier when you both have a secure sense of self, trust one another, and can move between independence and closeness in your relationship. If your own sense of self is feeling a little shaky, try to ease up some on your focus on others. Get back in touch with who you are and what you like to do. Give some of that care and validation you lavish on others back to yourself.
It sounds counterintuitive, but pulling back a bit to take care of you will actually bring your partner closer. My book Strong Women, Strong Love has more ideas for nurturing yourself and your relationship.
Happy July Fourth, and enjoy your independence!
by Strong Women Strong Love | Jun 12, 2014 | Persistent Pressures, Understanding Men |
With Father’s Day coming, it’s a good time to think about why dads and husbands are so often the butt of our jokes.
Don’t believe me? You can see stereotypes about men’s ineptitude even on Father’s Day cards. How many cards have you noticed that make fun of dads as less competent than moms, or for being interested only in sports and beer? And think about representations of husbands and dads in pop culture. You’re not alone if the bumbling Homer Simpson was the first example that sprang to your mind.
No matter how much silly cards or “Simpsons” reruns make you laugh, they carry some pretty damning messages about men: They’re little boys at heart, just another “child” for a mom to take care of. They don’t express emotions, and they certainly don’t want to talk about them. They don’t understand women, and they don’t know how to care for kids.
All these stereotypes create barriers to men’s full engagement in their relationships, especially in their roles as fathers. In the U.S., our expectations for dads are pitifully low. Maybe you’ve always believed that guys “can’t help it” if they don’t know how to take care of a child because that is just how men are wired.
But everything we are learning about our brains shoots holes in that theory. Have you heard the term “neuroplasticity”? Our brains have an amazing ability to keep evolving throughout our lives. That means that men can improve their relationship skills and learn to nurture children (if they don’t already have these skills).
And it’s my belief that more men would become involved fathers if they were allowed to do so. Just like women, men struggle with stereotypes and expectations about who they “should” be and what they can’t do. For men, it may not be considered so “manly” to put their kids above providing for the family or pursuing a successful career. Think of how socially hard it is to be a stay-at-home dad or how many companies offer paternity leave, and you’ll see what I mean.
I believe our relationships could be so much stronger if we all had more room to be who we really are! Perhaps your low expectations haven’t given your husband room to step up as a dad, or you’ve been pushing for new behaviors, but he insists that he’s just a guy who can’t change. Either way, the following ideas should give you some inspiration for moving beyond the old stereotypes of dads and fathers.
- Learn to hold back. Do you believe your husband can’t handle being alone with their kids, so you never leave him alone with them? Remember that he can’t become competent with the kids unless you give him a chance to be alone with them and learn. So take off for a while, and give him the space to pick up some new skills.
- Don’t hover or micromanage. If your husband does something like change a diaper without prompting, don’t correct him or try to get him to do it exactly the way you do. If he asks for help, give it. If not, let him do things his way.
- Believe in him. When you’re trying to learn something new, it helps tremendously to know that your partner believes in you. Even if you have some doubts about whether he can take on something you usually handle, show him that you have faith.
- Hold him accountable. When your husband flakes out or pulls the “guy card,” call him on it. Explain that it undermines your trust when he doesn’t follow through on something he said he would do.
- Remember the big picture. Sometimes it feels easier to jump in and just handle something yourself, but in the long run, both of you will be happier if you’re both competent parents. So, push through your discomfort and allow change to take hold.
I wish you a wonderful Father’s Day. Go ahead and give your husband that funny Homer Simpson card, if you like. Just remember that he’s capable of far more than Homer is!
by Strong Women Strong Love | Jun 3, 2014 | Passionate Partnership |
We associate June with weddings. If you know any couples walking down the aisle this month, you’ve probably noticed that they’re starry-eyed with passion. And, no doubt, they wouldn’t believe you if you told them they won’t always feel that way. There’s a romantic ideal that once you’ve found “the one,” you’ll share passion that burns brightly forever. But it’s normal for passion to wane over time, even as your partnership grows deeper in other ways.
Social psychologist Elaine Hatfield explains that there are actually two types of love. Passionate love is physical and emotional longing. It’s what you feel when you first fall in love. Companionate love is characterized by intimate friendship, but it’s less emotionally charged. It’s tough to maintain passionate and companionate love at the same time because these two types of love thrive in polar opposite conditions. Companionate love will typically emerge out of the intimacy and comfort of daily interaction, but passion thrives on surprise, distance, and novelty, which must be cultivated more deliberately if you’ve been together a long time. Although it’s virtually impossible to maintain a constant state of passion in your relationship, incorporate these specific habits to keep the spark of passion alive in your marriage:
- Put some more time into other relationships. When you spend time with other people you enjoy, you bring fresh energy back into your marriage and take the pressure off your spouse to meet all your needs. Giving your partner some breathing room helps him see you with fresh eyes.
- Get out of your routines. Try something new on your date nights, especially if it jolts your nervous system or gets your heart racing. Think seeing a scary movie or riding a motorcycle.
- Learn something new. Take a class or develop a new hobby. Besides making you happier, developing different aspects of your life makes you more intriguing to your partner.
I talk more about maintaining passion in marriage in my book Strong Women, Strong Love. I also recommend Esther Perel’s TED talk “The Secret to Desire in a Long-Term Relationship.”
Try out some of these tips in your marriage this week. You just might give those honeymooners a run for their money!
