Love and Presence
When you love someone, the best thing you can offer is your presence.
How can you love if you are not there?
~Thich Nhat Hanh
Spring Cleaning Your Relationship
Are you doing some spring cleaning at home? While you’re in that mindset, why not also clear out some bad relationship habits? When you toss what’s not working, your relationship will feel more pleasant and full of possibility.
Consider ridding your relationship of the following damaging habits, and try out some new ways of relating:
1. Micromanaging. When your husband loads the dishwasher, do you redo it because he loaded it “the wrong way? ” If he said he would plan the activities for your upcoming trip, do you constantly check to see whether he’s actually done so, or offer suggestions on how he could do it better? Although you may not realize it, micromanaging sends the message that you don’t trust your husband or believe he is competent. He feels insulted, which is why he seems touchy or flies off the handle when you make “helpful” comments.
Try this new habit: If your husband is handling a job, stay out of it. The dishes will probably turn out just fine, even if he doesn’t load the washer your way. And, your husband will definitely feel better about taking on other jobs in the future if he is not constantly being “supervised” on-the-job.
2. Uncontrolled expression of feelings. No doubt about it: Authenticity is vital to intimacy in your relationship. But constant, intense expression of feelings, without any filtering, can overwhelm your husband. For some of us, it feels good to get it all out with a tirade or a good cry over our daily frustrations. But if your husband is always on the other end of your venting, he may feel as if he is getting pummeled. You know you’re just blowing off steam, but he may assume the situation that has you upset is worse than it actually is.
Try this new habit: Have empathy for your husband, and consider how your venting affects him. If he’s not someone who is comfortable with intense emotion, let him know you’re just venting or tap friends and family for emotional support instead.
3. Communicating indirectly. Do you simmer in resentment when you’re upset with your husband? Perhaps, you show your displeasure by being sarcastic, giving him the silent treatment or slamming doors, hoping he’ll get the hint and ask you what’s wrong. In all likelihood, you’re seething, and he’s genuinely confused about what’s going on.
Try this new habit: Be direct. You may think it’s impossible for him NOT to know you’re upset and why, but that’s a dangerous assumption. Your husband really might not be deciphering your message clearly, so practice being transparent about what you need. Of course, always communicate in a way that shows compassion and respect, without resorting to blame.
4. Focusing on the task, not the person. It’s easy to get awfully single-minded when there’s something that needs to get done. Because you are so close to him, with your husband, it’s easy to forget common courtesy, and just start issuing directives: “Don’t forget to go by the drugstore! Check on the kids while I finish this!” To your husband, this behavior can feel dismissive, or like he’s your subordinate, not your partner. Even if men don’t react outwardly to this kind of behavior, they often feel resentful and may emotionally detach from you.
Try this new habit: Remember the basics of being kind: “Please,” “Thank you,” “Do you have time to …?” Manners and thoughtfulness shouldn’t disappear just because you’re married!
5. Having an endless “honey-do” list. Does this sound familiar? You tell your husband it would make you happy if he cleaned the garage. Then, after he gets done with the garage, you throw in, “Oh, and could you also do one more thing?” After that, you make your next request. If there’s no pause for gratitude and acknowledgement, your husband may start to feel that he will never be successful at making you happy because you are always focused on what is not right. Of course, your intention is to simply get everything on your list done, so it may surprise you when his enthusiasm starts to wane.
Try this new habit: Be intentional about pointing out the positive, and let your husband know how his accomplishments make you happy. Pause to notice what’s he’s done before putting your head down and moving onto the next thing.
If you know someone really well, it’s easy to take them for granted and to assume you know them like the back of your hand. Commit yourself to bringing the two of you closer by trying out some simple new habits, and watch your love bloom!
Tips for Relieving the Stress That Can Hurt Your Relationship
Watch this video to learn three specific things you can do to reduce the stress that can damage a marriage:
Relieve Stress to Improve Your Marriage
We’ve talked before about the toll that stress can take on your relationship. Now, let’s look at a few ways to relieve stress to improve your marriage.
Mind your basic needs
Are you so busy that you neglect the fundamentals of self-care? If you regularly skip meals, skimp on sleep and fail to drink enough water, that can leave you feeling pretty lousy, and may bring out your worst self in your marriage (and your career, your parenting, and on and on). Move these healthy habits higher on your priority list. Even 30 extra minutes of sleep can do wonders to ease stress. And when you’re less stressed, you’re truly able to be more present in your life.
Ease up on yourself
We can only do so much. Limits are nothing to be ashamed of; they are simply a reality of our existence. Constantly pushing past our limits makes us more vulnerable to relationship problems, illness, overeating, and addiction. What can you take off your plate? Do you have any perfectionist standards that you can relax, even a little bit? Lowering the demands on you will open breathing room for your marriage as well.
Balance marriage and parenting
A strong marriage buffers stress and protects your emotional well-being. But for most couples, there is simply less time to spend together after becoming parents, and we lose some of the stress-relieving benefits of this intimate bond. If you never prioritize your marriage, you put it at risk –and that is not good for you or your children. Even if it is brief at first, schedule time alone with your husband to keep the connection between you strong.
Nurture your support system
Did you know that the average U.S adult has only two people they can talk to about the most important things in their life, and one of them is probably their spouse? That’s too much pressure to put on your marriage. It’s easy to neglect our relationships with friends and family amid the busyness of daily life, but we need them. Do something to reach out this week. Is there a friend you haven’t talked with in a while? Give her a call.
Remember that even when you feel boxed in by daily demands, you can still make choices that start to ease the pressure and simplify your life. Lowering overall stress is a process that can take some time, but will ultimately yield rich payoffs in your marriage and beyond. What small step can you take today to start lowering your stress level?
Signs of Stress in Your Marriage
Are you stressed out? You have plenty of company.
Although we’re wired for connection, stability and operating within certain limits, in recent decades, the pressure to ignore this biological reality has increased. As a result, stress is running rampant many areas of our lives, even our marriages. Researchers Dr. Lisa Neff and Dr. Benjamin Karney warn that relationships exposed to excessive stress have a higher chance of failing, so it’s important to get a handle on stress.
Here are some signs of stress in your marriage:
- Every little thing sets you off. Neff and Karney’s research found that chronically-stressed couples tend to be much more reactive to the normal ups and downs of their relationships. This finding was even stronger for women. What this means is that you may, for example, respond a little too defensively to the “tone” in your partner’s voice. And those dirty socks on the floor? They may just push you right over the edge!
- You’re focused on the negative. Studies show that under heavy stress, couples have trouble seeing the positives in their relationship and usually magnify anything negative that is happening. So, even though your husband stopped by the store to pick up a gallon of milk like you asked him to, all you can think of is that he got home late.
- You’re a control freak. When stressed, many of us get more rigid and judgmental. In a momentary desire to feel some sense of control, we may lose touch with the spirit of kindness and flexibility that nourishes a marriage.
- You feel bad physically. Does any of this sound familiar? You pick up every bug going around. Your jaws or shoulders are always clenched. You have a constant headache or churning stomach. You notice your heart racing. These are all ways that stress can manifest itself in our bodies. Health problems like these drain our energy, leaving us less to give to our marriages.
- You’re emotionally worn down. Chronic stress can also break down your emotional health, sometimes causing feelings of anxiety, depression or constant agitation. If you are struggling emotionally, it’s hard to be a supportive, compassionate partner in your marriage.
- You don’t seem like yourself. Does it seem like your relationship used to be easier? Unfortunately, because of the way the brain works, even if you have excellent relationship and communication skills, it is very hard to draw on those skills when overwhelmed. Just like a drowning person, when you are super stressed, all you can think of is survival, not how you’re going to phrase something so it doesn’t hurt your husband’s feelings.
It’s important to be aware of the ways stress may be hurting your relationship. In our next blog, we’ll look at how to relieve this stress, and make your marriage healthier.
