If you’ve made the resolution to strengthen your relationship this year, I have some good news. There’s a way to improve your marriage that’s confirmed by research.
And it’s extremely simple.
And it takes only a few minutes per year.
Really!
Researcher Eli J. Finkel of Northwestern University and his colleagues discovered “The Marriage Hack” when they were studying marital satisfaction. Finkel talked about the magic of the Marriage Hack at TEDxUChicago. (You can watch his talk in the video above.)
Couples in the study conducted by Finkel and his colleagues filled out questionnaires about their marriages every four months for two years. In the second year of the study, half of the couples did The Marriage Hack. Their questionnaires included these additional writing exercises:
Participants wrote about the most recent conflict in their marriage from the viewpoint of an objective third party who wants the best for everyone.
They were then asked to write about any obstacles they might face in trying to take on this outside perspective.
Finally, they wrote about ways they could overcome those obstacles.
The exercise took just seven minutes, and couples did the exercise three times over the course of the year.
Those 21 minutes had a pretty amazing payoff.
Normally, Finkel says in his TEDx Talk, marital satisfaction declines over time. That’s what happened to all the couples in the study during the first year.And, sadly, it’s what continued to happen to the couples who didn’t do the seven-minute writing exercise in the second year, But for the couples who did the writing exercise, the decline in marital satisfaction stopped.
That’s not because they reduced the number of conflicts in their marriage. What made the difference is that the Marriage Hack writing exercise helped them handle those conflicts more constructively. The payoff happened in every aspect of their marriages —trust, intimacy, even sexual passion. And study participants who practiced the Marriage Hack writing exercise reported feeling less stressed and depressed, and happier overall.
So why is this?
When we fight with our spouses, we get caught up in our own perspective, Finkel says. We focus on all the things we are doing right and even start to feel self-righteous. Chances are, if you’re feeling totally correct and vindicated, and your spouse is feeling the same way about his viewpoint, that’s the recipe for a destructive conflict.
The Marriage Hack writing exercise reminds us of the bigger picture. When we make it a habit to get off our high horse and look at conflict through a different lens, we can defuse anger and build understanding and empathy.
So do you have 21 minutes to strengthen your marriage this year? Happy 2016 and happy Marriage Hacking!
I hope you and your family are enjoying a wonderful holiday season! As 2015 draws to a close, I wanted to look back on the most popular posts during the past year. While these articles have marriage advice you can use all year long, some of these ideas are especially helpful during the busy holiday season.
If you get stressed out at family holiday gatherings, you’ll definitely want to check out this post. Our brains can go into fight-or-flight mode when we’re tired, overwhelmed or feel threatened — even if the “threat” is just criticism from a family member. We feel flooded with negative emotions that are hard to snap out of. If you feel like you’re about to flip your lid — a couple of warning signs are getting defensive and having trouble truly hearing others — that’s a signal to stand down for a while. Get away from the fray instead of pushing yourself to keep up with the holiday rush. As a couple, plan ahead for a little quiet time (like a quick walk) together in the next few days to head off any flip-outs, especially if you’ll be around relatives who have a knack for pushing your buttons.
One reason certain family members might drive you crazy when you see them is that researchers have found that our brains process physical and emotional pain in much the same way. The insights in the post might help you understand more about why it’s so difficult to be around a distant and withholding parent or a contemptuous sibling. I hope this post will also be a reminder that seemingly small rejections — like mocking your husband’s driving in front of your family — can have a big impact on your relationship.
Yes, this post is about a different holiday, but it has some ideas you can borrow this time of year as well. If you’re stuck on a gift idea for your husband, consider planning an experience to share that’s exciting, that helps you grow or that changes up your routine. Whenever you add novelty and variety, you stoke the fires of passion in your relationship.
You need your husband to help more with getting the house ready for your guests. Or maybe it’s getting on your last nerve that he still hasn’t taken care of the gift shopping he told you he’d handle. But, as I wrote earlier this year, “If you’re trying to motivate your husband with an intense, ‘you’re not going to ignore this anymore’ approach, it may backfire, especially if there’s a tone of blame.'”
If you want to set a 2016 resolution for your marriage, make it to cultivate an atmosphere of mutual respect in your relationship. What I wrote in this post, which was the blog’s most popular article from 2015, is still true: “Respect is the very soil from which true love sprouts.” But you don’t have to wait until the new year to restore respect if it’s been lost in your marriage. Listen to each other, even amid the holiday hubbub. Compliment each other in front of your family members. Share a laugh about the fact that you love sentimental presents and he loves gag gifts.
If you’d like to read more marriage tips like these, consider purchasing my book Strong Women, Strong Love as a gift for yourself and for your husband. You’ll find lots of ideas to keep your marriage thriving even amid our busy lives.
Men and women can have better relationships, but we need to start by critically examining the messages all of us have been given about what it means to be a man or woman in American society. This chapter sheds some light on the ways both sexes are socialized and how such experiences commonly affect how they behave in relationships. It offers effective relational strategies for reducing tension that arises from gender differences.
Are we from Mars, Venus, or Planet Earth?
The topic of differences between the sexes is highly complex and emotionally charged. Even in academic circles, people have very strong opinions about whether differences between men and women are biologically based or stem from learning. If you start exploring the possibility that one sex might be better at something than the other, things get heated even faster. John Gray, author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, has been ostracized professionally for exaggerating sex differences, although he continues to be extremely popular with the public.
Please note that in this chapter, I speak in generalities, not because I think people fit into neat little boxes, but because boxes sometimes help us organize and understand information. I will be discussing the most common ways men and women behave, not the only ways. The research literature clearly shows that there are many more differences within groups of men and within groups of women than between the sexes, which is why it is inaccurate to say ALL women are like this or ALL men are like that. Remember that there is tremendous variability among people and that not everyone fits my descriptions (e.g., think of role reversals). Also, even if a person is born with certain natural tendencies, it does not mean that they cannot learn how to behave in new ways.
So, as we move forward, I encourage you to consider whether my descriptions fit your individual situation. Sweeping statements made about men or women may be highly inaccurate when applied to your partner because other factors, such as cultural upbringing, personality, or level of education also influence development. Details matter tremendously when relating effectively to the person you married.
Understanding how your partner learned to be a “real” man
Men are commonly exposed to some distinct messages about masculinity. Awareness of these messages can help you understand frequent ways men interact in relationships, thereby reducing your misinterpretation of their behavior in relationships.
According to psychologist Dr. William Pollack in Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood, males still clearly receive the message that they must never be perceived as weak.Pollack says the “Boy Code” essentially teaches them, “Be a man, be strong, be brave, don’t be a sissy, don’t show your feelings.” In other words, don’t ever show your vulnerability, and whatever you do, never be perceived as feminine. Think of how rare it is, even these days, to find a parent who is comfortable allowing their son to play with dolls, cry profusely when he is hurt, or tell everyone his favorite color is pink, and you can see how “The Boy Code” is still alive and well.
Although humans by nature are interdependent, men are asked to function in a largely self-sufficient manner. The traditional world of men is highly competitive, placing tremendous pressure on men to perform and appear strong at all times. Competence, emotional control, rationality, and the ability to overcome challenges independently are revered qualities. Expressing feelings, seeking reassurance, or acknowledging difficulty may be perceived as signs of weakness that place men at risk of being ridiculed, criticized, or shamed by others. The status of being a “real” man is something earned, not something given to a man simply by virtue of his sex. Men must demonstrate that they can hold their own to be respected by others.
Men who attempt to take on less traditional roles may experience considerable confusion and frustration. The expectation that a man provide financially for his family is still prevalent, and men are often judged negatively if they depend on their wives for financial support. Think of the challenge a full-time, stay-at-home-dad faces. Although society encourages him to be an involved, loving father, he is not considered to be a “real man” if being a full-time father interferes with his ability to bring home a paycheck.
Shame is a powerful tool used to socialize men into traditional roles. The normal human reaction to excessive shame is to pull away from others and hide vulnerability. Out of necessity, men frequently appear tough, and some of them have become so adept at walling off their emotions, that expressing feelings actually feels strange. Psychologist Dr. Ronald Levant notes that some men cannot even identify what they are feeling, something he calls “normative male alexithymia.” All too often, men attempt to escape intense feelings through the use of alcohol or drugs, or they physically exit the situation generating strong emotions. Research shows that men tend to be much more emotionally isolated than women and have higher rates of suicide and chemical addiction.
The only emotion that men do not have to suppress is anger, as American society does not consider anger to be an indicator of weakness. From what I have seen, some men definitely have an intact ability to experience a wide range of emotions, but don’t always feel safe enough in their relationships to do so. Even in a therapist’s office, where one of the explicit goals is transparency, the vulnerability associated with such an endeavor can be disconcerting for many men.
Psychologist Dr. Roy Baumeister openly questions how “good” men really have it. In a 2007 speech to the American Psychological Association entitled “Is There Anything Good about Men?” Baumeister discusses both the social rewards and costs of being male and the dangers of assuming one sex always has it better than the other:
When I say I am researching how culture exploits men, the first reaction is usually “How can you say culture exploits men when men are in charge of everything?” …The mistake in that way of thinking is to look only at the top. If one were to look downward to the bottom of society instead, one finds mostly men there too. Who’s in prison, all over the world, as criminals or political prisoners? The population on Death Row has never approached 51% female. Who’s homeless? Again, mostly men. Whom does society use for bad or dangerous jobs? U.S. Department of Labor statistics report that 93% of the people killed on the job are men.
The broader culture reinforces roadblocks to men’s full engagement in relationships, by portraying them as immature, incompetent, and emotionally unaffected (i.e., think Homer Simpson, Al Bundy,or most men in sitcoms). No doubt, we have all heard that:
Men are little boys.
Men are unemotional.
Men are clueless about women and children.
Men have a one-track mind.
“Who needs a man? They are good for nothing” is a prevalent attitude. Sometimes people jokingly count the husband when tallying up how many children are in a family. Male bashing among female friends is even a legitimate form of bonding. Needless to say, all these ideas are ultimately destructive to intimacy in relationships because they erode respect and trust. Rather than create an environment that allows men to become more familiar with emotional intimacy, American society assumes men lack the innate capacity to relate well and promotes incredibly low standards for men in relationships.
What women unknowingly do that triggers most men to get defensive
The male mandate to conceal vulnerability often leads men to become highly defensive and uncomfortable when women push them to be more transparent and to engage at a more intimate level. When women openly point out mistakes in an attempt to be honest, men often get their feelings hurt and respond by becoming irritated or retreating into silence. Women often have no idea how sensitive and vulnerable men often are under the surface.
Because they are under constant social pressure to be competent and have all the answers, men often take complaints very personally. Psychologist Dr. David Wexler notes that relationships serve as a mirror, reflecting back how we are perceived by others. Many men fear looking in the mirror and seeing a highly flawed reflection. For most men, their partner is the most potent mirror, so feedback from her has the emotional capacity to injure him deeply. Men fear looking in the mirror and seeing an unhappy wife who sees him as weak and incapable.
Even if you are just trying to be “open” and let him know you have unmet needs, if he believes you are miserable, he may feel he has failed you. As corny as it may sound, he wants you to see him as a hero and needs to know he can make you happy. He has been taught to use your happiness as a measure of his success in a relationship, and much of what motivates him is the desire to meet your needs.
I can recall numerous marriage therapy sessions in which a wife attempted to build intimacy by disclosing all the ways her husband was not meeting her expectations, while he sat and listened in complete silence. From a male point of view, her publicly noting his weaknesses (and so many of them at once!) is an act of aggression and disrespect. His response of silence is simply an attempt to retreat from what he perceives as an “attack.” Having seen this pattern many times, I often intervene quickly to move the couple into a more constructive stance by acknowledging both his position and positive intentions. I usually say something like:
I can see by the fact that you are here that you must love your wife deeply. You seem like a really competent, smart guy, but here’s the deal: Most men are told they need to keep their wives happy, but are simply not given the tools to accomplish that. It takes guts to come in here and openly discuss the ways the two of you are struggling so that you can figure out how to make your marriage stronger. I really admire you for that. The good news is that you already have the most important part down—you care. All we are doing here is fine-tuning.
I find the average wife is surprised to learn her husband is actually upset when he is quiet because she was fooled by his appearing so emotionally composed. She is usually quite relieved that his behavior is not due to a lack of caring and approaches him with much more compassion and realistic expectations, once she understands what is happening. So, the lesson here is to be careful about assuming a man is emotionally unaffected just because you don’t see an obvious display of feeling. There is still a human being on the inside who can be terribly hurt by cruel words, even if he has learned not to show it.
Given the tendency of most men to act tough, you may think that women love men who are actually comfortable with emotional expressiveness and vulnerability. Although the party line is that men should be more open, the response to such transparency is not always positive. Surprisingly, many women say they are turned off by a man who is “too feminine,” and feel most attracted to the strength and confidence of a more dominant man. So, the double bind for men is that women may actually reject them if they seem too vulnerable. The current social environment is truly confusing for everyone.
What about you? How much of a woman are you?
As women, we face our own fair share of pressure to conform to society’s expectations of what constitutes a “real woman.” Dr. Warren Farrell, author of The Myth of Male Power, points out that men are treated as “success objects,” while women are often treated as “sex objects” by our society. The ideal woman is physically attractive, emotionally supportive, and a good listener. She can have a husband, children, and a career, but must successfully juggle all these roles, so no one is inconvenienced by her choices. A woman can do anything a man can do, but has subtle pressure to always be mindful of her partner’s ego, making sure she is not too outspoken, competitive, or perceived as more successful than him. Society says a real woman is adaptable and eager to put the needs of others, especially her children, ahead of her own.
If her marriage is struggling, kids are misbehaving, or house is not well-kept, the woman will be judged, not her partner. Many high-achieving women fear falling short of social expectations and spend all their time trying to live up these unrealistic standards. This can cause considerable strain in a marriage, especially when her husband does not understand her pressures and may not be so “cooperative” when she asks for his help in achieving goals he considers unnecessary.
Tapping the power of diversity
In addition to individual expectations of men and women, there are also some new mandates for relationships. We have all been challenged to become more “equal” partners in our marriages. I personally believe that the term “equal” is often misunderstood in the context of relationships. There is an assumption that for a woman to be equal to a man, she must be just like him. Equal has become equated with “same.” As a result, many women feel pressure to actively reject traditional feminine ideals such as being sensitive, accommodating, or gentle in favor of traditional male qualities like independence, dominance, and competitiveness, especially since these behaviors are revered in the workplace. Women were historically trapped by the expectations of traditional femininity; now, they are often bound by the pressure to be more like men. In the end, most people are not exercising real choice about how they define themselves.
Equality in relationships is not about men and women having the exact same characteristics; it is about each individual having the same worth. We need to stop aiming to be cookie-cutter replicas of one another and embrace the differences that will inevitably exist between any two human beings, regardless of their sex. Diversity is strength. We need all the qualities human beings can express, from dominance to vulnerability or from independence to connection. The more diversity we embrace, the greater flexibility and choice we all have in defining ourselves. Having a range of ways we can respond increases our effectiveness in relationships.
Protecting your marriage from gender expectations
In the midst of all the changes in men’s and women’s roles, what I see in my office is increased fear, competition, and confusion in relationships. Couples are often lost in power struggles, aggressively vying for control and demanding love in an attempt to get their needs met. Insecurity is prevalent, while deep trust is conspicuously missing. Loneliness and a sense of failure exist on both sides of the relationship.
Women hoping to successfully engage men must remember that underneath the composed exterior of any person is the vulnerability that is simply part of being human. Everyone fears being judged when they let the world see who they truly are underneath that layer of protection. Because of socialization, the stakes may be higher for men, yet the most emotionally-rich marriages are ones where it is safe for both men and women to be real with one another.
If you seek to improve your marriage, I challenge you to keep your own ego in check and to draw on traditional feminine qualities, such as gentleness and emotional sensitivity to approach your husband. For him to fully engage, he needs to feel you believe in him, are generally happy, and want to improve the marriage, not place blame on him. Consider some of the following strategies for facilitating connection:
Assume the best. Remember that at one point this was the man you loved enough to want a lifelong commitment. Start with the assumption that he loves you and look for common ground, responding kindly and generously whenever you can.
Embrace differences in styles of relating. We all grew up hearing different messages about how we should relate, so don’t assume that because your husband’s style is different from yours, that it needs “fixing.” One approach is not “superior” to the other. Get curious and learn more about your individual styles. The larger the difference, the more open, respectful, and flexible both of you will need to be.
Turn complaints into requests and directly negotiate for what you need. Minimize how much you complain and dare to directly ask for what you actually need from your husband. Remember that he wants you to be happy, but cannot read your mind. For example, instead of saying, “You don’t love me anymore,” try, “A big hug from you right now would really lift me up.” If something feels unfair, negotiate with him to change that. If you are clear and motivated to create a win/win for both of you, he will be more responsive to you. So, instead of wishing he would help with the dishes, say, “I find it really helpful when we can share the task of washing dishes. How about we take turns every other day? That would really lift some stress off me.”
Make sure there is space for him in your life. As the list of responsibilities grows, it is all too easy to relegate your husband to the bottom of your “to do” list. Spending too little time with your husband, or engaging him only when you need help with other priorities can lead a man to feeling like he is only a means to an end, an observer in your life, or simply dispensable. It is important to convey how your husband’s presence and actions add value and meaning to your life, and keep him high on the priority list.
Understand that his priorities and timelines may not be the same as yours. Men face different pressures from women. This means you will need to be direct in helping him understand why something is SO important to you and why it needs to be done right now. Even then, remember that he is an adult and has the option to say “no” after you make your request.
To be clear, I am not suggesting that you abandon your own needs and absolve your husband of his responsibility to work with you to strengthen your marriage. Men are not children and should never be treated as such. I am encouraging you to factor in whether gender differences are possibly the reason behind some of the difficulties you may be experiencing in your marriage.
If you are seeking emotional intimacy and find yourself consistently running into barriers, you must realistically assess whether your partner will be able to meet your needs. If you are married to a man who has exhibited emotional vulnerability in the past, but has merely distanced from you, it may be possible to reengage him. If your spouse is the stoic cowboy type whose whole identity centers on this persona, you may need to readjust your expectations.
Being well-versed in the common pressures both men and women face puts you in the position of being able to develop more realistic expectations for deepening the emotional connection with your partner. As I said earlier, it helps if your default is to believe that your partner’s intentions are positive, and that his love for you is real, especially when misunderstandings occur. I have personally witnessed hundreds of situations in which a woman assumed her partner was intentionally withholding what she needed, and it turned out he was just completely unaware and did not mean to upset or hurt her at all.
The larger the differences between you and your spouse, the more mindful you will need to be about potential miscommunication. When misunderstandings do occur, the same kindness and respect you would extend to a close friend become vital tools for preventing a rift from developing.
Men and women are much more alike than different inside. Anyone can appear invincible on the outside, but none of us, including men, are immune to the self-doubt or worry all human beings experience. These vulnerabilities are present within each of us and will either be revealed when communication is good, or hidden when it is not. So, be constructive on your end by treating your spouse with compassion, understanding, and respect. Always remember to clearly ask for what you need, and generously extend good will to each other.
BOTTOM LINE
All of us have a need to be understood, appreciated, and cherished.
Men and women may seem quite different from one another. Although there is much confusion about gender roles and whether men and women differ in their capacities for engagement at a more intimate level, remember that we are all human and have similar core emotional needs.
Whatever is on your holiday gift list for your husband, there’s really just one thing that he desperately wants from you.
It’s not for you to lose weight, to cook more meals at home or to surprise him with some “mind-blowing” sex tip from a magazine.
What he wants from you is admiration. He wants to look in your eyes and believe that he is important, special, and necessary in your life. That’s it.
Men have a deep need to be needed, to feel like they are doing their job as your partner. While some couples are letting go of the assumption that the husband should be the primary breadwinner, boys are still raised to take care of people, to be confident, to be “the strong one.”
They get these messages from an early age. And what they come away with is the belief that their worth depends on being of some value in your life.
It might help you understand where your husband is coming from if you consider what women are taught about the importance of our physical appearance. Even if our parents didn’t raise us to believe we “have to” be pretty, even if we live our lives based on very different values and priorities, expectations about women and beauty are so pervasive in our culture that it’s difficult not to be affected by them to some degree. Being told we’re ugly can hurt in a way that other insults do not.
That’s how men feel about being useless.
‘Why Should I Stroke His Ego?’
Some of you might be thinking things like this:
“Why do I have to prop him up?”
“So now I have to flatter him all the time?”
“It’s not my job to give him self-esteem!”
Let’s be clear. It is your job to boost him — and it’s his job to boost you. You both signed on to care for each other emotionally. Expressing sincere admiration is part of that. We all have the need to feel valued and appreciated. Sometimes we overlook the fact that men have this need too because there’s still the societal expectation that men are supposed to be self-sufficient.
The keyword here is sincere admiration. We’re not talking about flattery, fawning and fake enthusiasm. But your marriage will be better when you make an effort to notice your husband’s contributions and to praise them.
Whether or not you realize it, research shows that for many husbands, their wife is the main source of emotional support in their lives. How you look at your husband has a huge impact on how he feels about himself.
When he feels valued in your eyes, he’ll feel good about himself and much closer to you. That can lead him to give you some of the things you’ve been needing emotionally too.
The Most Vulnerable Times
It’s especially important to understand your husband’s need to feel useful and admired by you when he’s going through a circumstance that could make him feel useless and not very admirable.
For example, a job loss or layoff is painful for anyone, but can be especially difficult for men. If you respond by panicking and “managing” his job search, you could be magnifying his shame and guilt. On the other hand, reminding him of the special value he has to you and expressing confidence in his abilities, regardless of his paycheck, can help him come through the crisis more quickly.
A Holiday Wish
Think of some of the ways your husband makes the holiday season a little brighter for you. Is he always patient with your talkative dad during your family gatherings? Does he go out of his way to create special moments for the kids? Does he give you gifts that melt your heart? Let him know how much it all means to you.
You’ll find many more insights that will help you understand your husband and deepen your relationship with him in my book Strong Women, Strong Love.
I wish you both much joy and closeness this holiday season and into the coming year!
Acceptance can be a hard subject to think about when it comes to your marriage.
Among couples I’ve counseled, I’ve seen many people who believe that their spouses need to change — and many who are actively trying to change their spouses.
But John Gottman, one of the leading researchers on marriage, says that trying to change your spouse to improve your marriage is essentially a waste of time.
Most things that couples argue over just aren’t fixable, Gottman says. They’re chronic disagreements that stem from being different people.
The alternative we’re left with is becoming more accepting of our spouses.
Now before I go any farther, I want to make clear that I’m not talking about “accepting” destructive behaviors like abuse and addiction. Instead, I’m focusing here on the day-to-day behaviors and pet peeves that often become stumbling blocks in our marriages.
That said, how do you start building acceptance when you’re not feeling very accepting?
Develop your empathy. Turn the mirror on yourself. What are you like to live with? What’s it like to be on the receiving end of some of your behaviors? This exercise can help you realize that a healthy marriage takes acceptance and accommodation from both of you.
Consider the whole person. You may be so tightly focused on the traits of your husband that you want to change that you forget that they don’t define him entirely. The things that bother aren’t his only distinguishing qualities. It may help you accept a behavior that annoys you — maybe, for example, he’s absentminded — when you remind yourself of the qualities about him that you love, like the fact that he’s a great father.
Decide what’s important — and what isn’t. Is the behavior you wish your husband would change really all that vital to your marriage? Some things are worth fighting for in your relationship. Other simply aren’t. In the grand scheme of things, what are you better off letting go of?
Treat your husband as you would a friend. As women, we often have more patience with our friends’ quirks than we do our husband’s. Can you bring the same tolerance that you show in friendships to your marriage?
Reduce your own stress. We grow less patient and accepting of others when we’re stressed. And, thanks to our busy lives, we’re stressed much of the time. If you notice that you’re feeling especially impatient or judgmental about something relatively minor your husband is doing, let that be a signal to give yourself some self care and stress relief. For ideas, see the chapter “Calm Down To Invite Connection” in my book Strong Women, Strong Love.
Be realistic. The reality is that one human being can’t be everything you want him to be and meet all of your needs. And, by the way, you can’t expect yourself to meet all of his needs, either.
The bottom line is that you don’t have to love everything your husband does, but your marriage will benefit when you cultivate acceptance for the things that you don’t love, but just aren’t that big of a deal. Let the following quote by Wes Angelozzi inspire you:
Go and love someone exactly as they are. And then watch how quickly they transform into the greatest, truest version of themselves. When one feels seen and appreciated in their own essence, one is instantly empowered.
PS: While this post talks about acceptance in the context of marriage, you might also find that these ideas are also helpful when you’re around family members who push your buttons during the holiday season.
When was the last time you and your husband had sex? Do you feel like the physical intimacy between you is slowly withering away? In this eye-opening TED talk, seasoned marriage therapist, Michele Weiner-Davis explains how to turn this situation around.
Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW is an internationally renowned relationship expert, best-selling author, marriage therapist, and professional speaker. Among the first in her field to courageously speak out about the pitfalls of unnecessary divorce, Michele has been active in spearheading the now popular movement urging couples to make their marriages work and keep their families together. Michele is the Director of The Divorce Busting® Center and the founder of www.divorcebusting.com. She has been a frequent guest on shows such as Oprah, 20/20, 48 Hours, The TODAY show, Good Morning America, CBS Evening News, and so on. Her work as been featured in most major newspapers and magazines.
Do you remember how upset you got the last time you felt your husband was ignoring you or didn’t seem to care about your needs? Did you calmly ask for what you needed? Or, did you scream at him or give him the cold shoulder?
When someone we love isn’t there for us, it can be very distressing. And when it’s the person we’ve chosen to spend our lives with, it can feel downright scary. Like it or not, we are all hardwired for connection. We literally cannot survive on our own. This means depending on each other is not a choice, even if our society incorrectly convinces us we’re weak if we need anyone.
I recently attended a fabulous conference about Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), a type of marriage therapy developed by Dr. Sue Johnson. Sue is one of the leading marriage researchers in the world and says we should accept our need for each other and learn how to get closer in our most important relationships. She uses the science on love and attachment to help people become warmer, more genuine, and present with their partner.
If you think you might be interested in learning more about EFT, I would recommend reading Sue Johnson’s wonderful book, Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love or her checking out her website: DrSueJohnson.com. If you’d prefer a summary of some of the core ideas, keep reading.
Importance of Close Relationships
EFT draws on the large body of research on human attachment and recognizes that close relationship are essential to our well being. Think about some of these interesting facts research has already discovered about love:
We are hardwired to connect. We are bonding mammals, so we literally die without connection to others. Love is a force that keeps us close to each other, thereby supporting our very survival.
For our physical and mental health, we need to feel secure, not just know it. We know when we have emotional security because we feel it at a gut level.
Secure connections with our loved one are linked to lower rates of heart disease, increased immune system functioning, and decreased depression.
When we truly feel secure and safe in our relationship(s), we are also naturally calmer, clearer in our thinking, and much more empathetic, curious, and open.
The single largest threat to us emotionally is anything that jeopardizes our sense of belonging. We use each other to stay calm and steady, so when something significant goes wrong in an important relationship, we will go into a state of panic at a very deep level.
Being alone is the scariest and most dangerous thing that can happen to a person. Because we’re wired to keep others close to us, our bodies literally experience pain when are isolated, left out, or lose an important relationship. Heartbreak is a real thing.
Research shows that criticism and other hurtful words actually cause us physical harm. The same areas in the brain light up on a brain scan in response to physical or emotional pain.
Strategies for Connection
So what does all this have to do with you and your husband? In a society where people have fewer and fewer connections, a marriage becomes a very important part of your well being. How your husband responds when you need him carries a great deal of weight. When you reach out to your partner, sometimes he will respond, and sometimes he won’t. By reaching out, Sue Johnson says, what we’re really asking our partner is:
Can I count on you?
Are you here for me?
Will you respond when I need, when I call?
Do I matter to you?
Am I valued and accepted by you?
Do you need me, rely on me?
If you have a husband that is usually responsive, an occasional lapse may annoy you, but not much more. If, however, you’re truly afraid that the answer to these questions is “no,” you’ll feel insecure and will probably do one of the following:
1. Protest. You react to his disconnection by freaking out, demanding, or pushing. You may also complain, criticize or blame. Unfortunately, these behaviors tend to push any person even further away.
2. Withdraw. You tell yourself that you don’t need him anyway. Inside, you’re not at all at peace or happy about this. In fact, you feel resigned and hopeless. You might find other ways of numbing or escaping these painful feelings, such as staying incredibly busy, spending all your time with the kids, surfing the net, eating or exercising too much, or using alcohol or drugs.
EFT has identified three common relationship patterns that couples get stuck in when they feel disconnected:
1. Protest Polka. I protest your disconnection, and you withdraw. (“I know you don’t care about me any more!”) Your withdrawal makes me more insecure, so I protest louder (“You’re never going to change!) and you withdraw further. This pattern is the most common one leading to divorce.
2. Find the Bad Guy. I protest your distance (“You don’t even kiss me when you get home!”), and you protest mine (“When was the last time you actually asked me how I’m doing?”). We try to pin the blame for the disconnection on each other and end up driving each other further away.
3. Freeze and Flea. We both give up on fighting for the connection and retreat because we think it’s safer. This is nothing but a recipe for tremendous loneliness.
The hard thing to see in these relationship dances is that couples are actually wanting emotional connection, but creating more distance. We all need our partner to see us, tune into how we’re really doing, and love us through hard times. We just may not be so great at asking for connection in ways that work very well.
So, what can you do to increase the odds of keeping your partner close? Here are a few tips out of the EFT approach to try:
• Be emotionally present. Emotional presence is the key to connection. Direct face-to-face contact without electronic devices, interruptions, or distractions is essential. You must show up in both body and mind. You don’t have to always make huge amounts of time for each other, but when you are interacting, make sure you’re really genuinely present and doing your best to connect. Otherwise, the connection with you will be no different from connection with a stranger. But since you’re not a stranger, being disconnected from you will probably upset your partner.
• Make your relationship a priority. You have to be very intentional and make your relationship a priority if you want to keep your marriage strong. Our society does little to support relationships, so you have to decide yours is important and work on staying connected emotionally.
• Move toward each other. When either of you are struggling, try to reach out, rather than being hurtful or pulling away. Talk about what’s really going on with you without casting blame. If you value your partner, he’s much more likely to listen to you.
• Be positive. Consistently acknowledge, support, and appreciate your partner, remembering how bad you feel when you’re not receiving these things yourself.
Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.~Anaïs Nin
We’re entering a busy time of year. But amid everything on your holiday season to-do list, don’t forget to give your marriage attention, too.
Neglect is an easy pattern for spouses to fall into — all the while assuming that things are OK in their marriage because they’re not outwardly fighting.
To some extent, it’s normal to give your relationship less attention over time as the two of you grow comfortable and secure with each other.
But your marriage will suffer if you starve it of time and attention for too long.
Perhaps it’s not very romantic, but we can compare marriage to other things that take ongoing maintenance, like caring for you car, your appearance or your garden. You can get away with putting off an oil change, a haircut or weeding for a while, but eventually that deferred maintenance takes its toll.
And there’s another similarity between marriage maintenance and the other routine maintenance tasks we perform. It doesn’t have to take long. We’re not talking a fancy dinner every week or romantic vacations every season.
In fact, it’s essential that your marriage maintenance fit into your lives. As busy as we all are, anything that seems like too much work is a hard sell.
So how do you make marriage maintenance an easy habit and avoid neglecting your relationship? Here are a few tips to help keep your love strong:
Take some time for just the two of you. Even a little bit helps.
Look for the positives. When things get hectic — as they often do this time of year — we tend to focus on what needs doing, not what was done right. Make a conscious effort to notice your husband’s contributions.
Examine your interactions. Your relationship happens in all your little daily moments together. Do they make you feel better about each other — or worse? Remember the common courtesies, like saying goodbye to each other when you leave in the morning.
Go beyond small talk. Even if the two of you don’t have much time for conversation, you can still take things a little deeper than “How was your day?” “Fine.” When you do have an opportunity to talk in more depth, you may want to try the 36 questions I wrote about in earlier blog. Research shows they build intimacy.
Don’t forget special occasions. Do you overlook the milestones you made a big deal out of back in the early days of your relationship?
Stop and check in. Do you know what’s important in your husband’s life right now? Life throws a lot at us sometimes, and when it does, you might fall back on assumptions about what’s going on with your partner. Remember to stop and ask each other how you’re doing, what your main concerns are and whether you’re both still moving toward your dreams and goals. Disconnects happen between partners. Maybe, for example, one of you feels that life hasn’t changed that much since you had a baby, but the other feels discombobulated. The important thing is to catch these disconnects early before the two of you drift too far apart.
Make it a regular part of your day. When marriage maintenance is just part of your routine, it feels less like “work.”
A little daily maintenance can make your marriage dramatically better. You can find many more ideas for strengthening your relationship even when you’re both busy and stressed in my book Strong Women, Strong Love.
It’s the time of year for scary stories, so here’s one for you:
You and your husband have been growing apart for some time. He’s just like your dad, constantly mad about something, and you’re sick and tired of walking on egg shells. You’re convinced you married the wrong man and fantasize all the time about leaving him and starting over with someone else.
After months of contemplation, you finally pull the trigger, and divorce him. You hope you will get a second chance at true love.
Eventually, you meet a man you’re absolutely crazy about. The two of you have incredible chemistry, and he’s everything you feel like has been missing from your life. He’s your dream come true. He’s calm, sweet, and listens so patiently. You date for a few months and decide to marry him.
And then, the honeymoon comes to an abrupt end.
Turns out, he’s not that different from your first husband. Sure, he can be sweet, but he’s also got a really short fuse you didn’t see at the beginning.
How could love have felt so right, but led you back to this awful place again? You feel angry and misunderstood and can’t get this husband to change either. “How on earth did I end up married to the same type of guy again?” you wonder again and again.
Imago Therapy is powerful, but it’s not intuitive. In this post, I’ll introduce you to the key ideas of Imago so that you can see whether it could be valuable tool in your marriage.
You May Feel Like It’s All a Mistake
Imago Therapy says that the purpose of romantic love is to attract a person who can help us become whole. Because no one’s parents are perfect, we’re all carrying emotional wounds from childhood that we need to heal. Maybe, you felt neglected as a child and want to feel important to someone. Perhaps, you were constantly criticized or expected to be perfect and need true acceptance.
According to Imago, we’re unconsciously drawn to romantic partners who have the positive and negative qualities of our early caregivers, especially the parent that frustrated or hurt us the most. Why? Because that’s what’s emotionally familiar to us.
In your marriage, you try to get from your husband what you could not get from your parents. If you felt invisible to your caregivers, you want your spouse to make you feel like you matter. Inevitably, you feel invisible around your husband too.
What a nightmare!
When You Want to Walk Away …
Imago therapy says you’re most likely to want to give up on the marriage when your old feelings from childhood resurface, and you feel invisible all over again. The moment when you feel like you’ve married the wrong guy is a pivotal one. You might want to walk away from your husband at this point, but if you do that, you lose out on the chance to finally resolve this lifelong problem. You have to move closer to him to heal and grow.
Although your husband seems like your parents, what you don’t know is that he’s actually the perfect person to unpack your emotional baggage with. Unlike your parents, he actually has the capacity to meet your need to be seen in the relationship.
All the defensiveness and anger is just getting in the way, and the two of you have to figure out how to step out of that.
Going Deeper With Imago
How do you do that? The essence of Imago Therapy is teaching couples how to connect in a deeper way to get past the emotional impasses in their lives. The central focus is getting to know each other in a much deeper way, especially learning more about each other’s childhood experiences and the hurts you’re both carrying around.
By listening deeply to each other’s stories of emotional pain and responding with compassion and understanding, you help each other heal. This is called the Imago Dialogue, and it sounds simple, but is actually very challenging to do. Fortunately, there are many videos and instructions on the Internet to help you learn.
To learn more about Imago Relationship Therapy, and see if it’s a fit for your marriage, pick up a copy of Hendrix’s classic book Getting the Love You Want. You can also try some of the techniques covered in the book, such as:
Thinking about the experiences that hurt you as a child so that you can start to understand your unmet needs today.
Looking objectively at your husband’s qualities, especially the ones that initially drew you to him, and considering what you might have to learn from the connection with him. I know it’s hard to believe that the person who’s frustrating you so much might have something to teach you, but that’s often the case. Don’t forget, he’s got something to learn from you too!
Finding out more about your husband’s early caregivers and identifying the wounds he’s bringing into the relationship too.
Harville Hendrix says, “We are born in relationship, we are wounded in relationship, and we can be healed in relationship.”After the early glow of attraction wears off, being in a relationship almost inevitably pushes your buttons. The important thing is what you do next. If you’re both willing to do the work, the frustrations you’re feeling can be the gateway to a more profound connection with your husband.
