Let Yourself be Seen
To be seen as we truly are, is the biggest risk we will ever take. Will we be enough as we really are?
~Cinderella, 2015
Be Yourself, and Only Yourself
A Woman in harmony with her spirit is like a river flowing.
She goes where she will without pretense
and arrives at her destination
prepared to be herself and only herself.
-Maya Angelou
5 Ways Busy Couples Can Connect in under a Minute
Today’s blog has marriage advice especially for busy couples — and which couples aren’t busy these days, right?
It’s easy to let the daily maintenance of your marriage take a backseat to all the other demands and obligations in your days. But it is possible to infuse your relationship with love and care even when your schedules are tight. Here are five quick, effective and research-backed ideas for building intimacy quickly.
- Look into his eyes, not at your phone.
Eye contact builds connection and helps your partner feel valued. Remember, though, that this has to be loving eye contact. No shooting daggers with your eyes! When you have four minutes, try more intense uninterrupted eye contact, like in this video, to deepen intimacy quickly:
- Help when he’s stressed.
Stress has a huge impact on our marriages. If your partner seems stressed out, ask what he needs from you. Maybe the answer will be unloading the dishwasher even if it’s not your night to or giving him a hug. Whatever the answer, just asking how you can help creates a sense of teamwork in your marriage.
- Connect with texts.
Texting is a busy couple’s best friend. You’re probably already in the habit of texting your husband when you get caught in a work meeting and need him to pick up the kids, or when you think of an errand that’s close to his office. But try sending a text when you don’t need something. Just let him know that you’re thinking about him. Make it as sweet – or as spicy – as you like. Creating a quick connection like this in your busy day helps maintain the health of your marriage.
- Greet him warmly.
We all have a need to be seen and heard by the people we love. It sounds simple, but just acknowledging him with a hug and warm smile when one of you gets home goes a long way toward making your time together emotionally positive.
- Reach out through touch.
Sometimes things are so busy that you don’t even have time to talk. Don’t forget the power of touch to help you and your husband connect. A quick, meaningful kiss, hug, or squeeze of the hand can convey deep caring. The more often you touch, even if it is brief, the closer you’ll feel to each other.
My book Strong Women, Strong Love has lots more marriage advice to help you keep your relationship healthy even when you’re tight on time. And I promise it’s a quick read!
IVF and Your Marriage
Going through the in-vitro fertilization process can be a blessing for building your family, but a big stress on your marriage. As a psychologist, one of my areas of specialization is working with couples dealing with infertility. I’ve counseled many couples doing IVF and seen what helps and hurts their relationships. Here are some insights I’ve gained that can you help you take care of your marriage while you’re on your own IVF journey.
Different Coping Styles
Men and women often cope differently with the IVF process. One the most common relationship patterns couples fall into is the wife becoming extremely focused on the IVF process, while her husband, worried that he’ll add to her stress, pulls back. She wants to talk to him about IVF constantly because that’s what’s foremost on her mind. When he seems disinterested, she starts to feel alone and angry and wonders if he even cares.
Does he care? Clearly, he does, but his priority is often different from hers. It’s not at all unusual for the husband to be more concerned about his wife’s distress than whether or not they conceive. His primary goal is making sure she’s OK and happy. He thinks he’s protecting her from stress by not joining her in talking about IVF all the time. He’s most likely thinking,”She’s worried and crying all the time. I want a baby, too, but I want her to be OK more than anything else.”
It’s easy to misinterpret each other’s actions and to ascribe malicious intent when stress is high. In reality, each partner is just trying to cope — and each is having trouble understanding the way the other person is dealing with IVF. Sometimes guys don’t get that that talking about feelings can lead to a sense of release for women. And sometimes women don’t get that a guy still cares about her and the IVF process even if he doesn’t want to talk about it as much as she does. It helps if both partners can open up a little more about what works for them. For example, a wife could say: “I know I can get kind of intense sometimes when we talk about IVF, but it helps me feel calmer afterward.”
You’re Still Valued
Women dealing with infertility often feel inadequate because they feel their bodies have failed them. For some women, pregnancy and childbirth are so central to their identity as a woman, that they can’t imagine how a man could want to be with them if they can’t conceive. More times than not, men are the first to say that they love their wives and will be OK, with or without kids. Sometimes wives have trouble believing this and will need to hear this message repeated several times before it sinks in. But when a wife does fully take in this loving message — that her partner cherishes her and values her when she’s feeling flawed and broken — it’s very powerful.
Expanding the Options
Sometimes couples who are struggling during IVF need to consider other ways they could become parents, such as through surrogacy or adoption. Doing so can help ease some of the stress of the IVF process if you know that it’s not your only route to parenthood.
I’ve noticed that sometimes husbands may not get why it’s helpful to talk about other options while the couple is still doing IVF. Their mindset is more like, “We’re doing IVF right now, so let’s stay positive about that. Why should we plan for something we may not even need to do?” It’s important for a man to understand that talking about other options doesn’t mean his wife is giving up on IVF — it just gives her back some of the hope and sense of control she might be missing.
More Tips for Couples Going Through IVF
- Take stress seriously. Did you know that stress levels of people dealing with infertility are comparable to those of people with cancer? Going through IVF is physically, emotionally and financially stressful. And couples are at risk of becoming isolated because family and friends don’t understand what they’re going through, especially their pain as others welcome children.
- Pace yourself. Think of conceiving through IVF as a marathon, not a sprint. You may need to take a break sometimes, especially if your marriage is showing signs of wear and tear from the process.
- Let yourself grieve. Feelings of loss are a normal part of infertility and IVF, and space needs to be created to deal with these emotions. Especially when you’ve had a loss, such as a miscarriage, it’s important to make sure you’ve absorbed this loss before soldiering on.
- Stay connected. Check in frequently with each other about where you are as a couple. Make sure your marriage is still a priority. You don’t want to end with a baby and a damaged marriage.
- Get information and support. I recommend RESOLVE.org, the website of the National Infertility Association. Another useful resource is the book Conquering Infertility by Alice D. Domar. Learning more about your situation can help you feel less alone and more “normal.” And If you are feeling extremely overwhelmed, please get professional support.
Finally, remember that while adversity can test your marriage, it can also bring you closer together. Remind yourselves to hold on tightly to each other while you’re going through IVF — and always.
The Truth About Respect and Love
My Valentine’s Day blog gave tips about firing up the passion in your relationship. This week, I want to talk about something a little less romantic but perhaps even more important: the connection between respect and love.
Just as we want the passion to continue in our relationships, we want the loving feelings, caring and sweetness to go on, as well. Too often we assume that these things take care of themselves. But just like passion, emotional intimacy needs maintenance in your relationship.
And the way to maintain a loving atmosphere in your marriage is to maintain a respectful atmosphere.
In my book, Strong Women, Strong Love, I note that respect is, in many ways, even more important than love in your relationship. Respect is the very soil from which true love sprouts.
In long-term relationships, it’s quite normal for feelings of love and passion to wax and wane over time. If partners have maintained a deep respect for each other, in time, these feelings can be rekindled. However, when there is a serious breakdown of respect, relationships inevitably end up deeply troubled.
Respect in a relationship can be lost unintentionally if we’re not being mindful of it. It’s all too easy to shift into “autopilot” with our spouses and slip into disrespect over time. We get so used to having each other around that sometimes we don’t truly “see” the other person any longer, and we don’t think about the impact of our words and actions. We might end up talking to our spouse without the same common courtesy we’d show a neighbor or colleague. How would your co-workers react if you rarely listened and talked to them mainly to point out what they weren’t doing or what they were doing badly? Your marriage can’t thrive that way, either.
Rebuilding Respect
If you’re ready to strengthen the respect in your marriage so that love can flourish, here are a few fundamentals:
- Respect means valuing and holding each other in high regard. You can still express your needs and even argue, but you can’t attack your spouse’s dignity if you want your marriage to last.
- Respect creates feelings of safety and trust in a relationship. It doesn’t matter how clearly you communicate, you’ll never achieve deep emotional intimacy if you say hurtful things when you express your true thoughts and feelings. When there is respect, it’s much easier to get emotionally closer, so don’t be brutally honest.
- Respect is also about accepting your natural differences. The fact that the two of you are different is not a problem, unless you devalue each other based on those differences. For example, maybe your husband doesn’t emotionally disclose as readily as you do. If you think you’re a better human being because you’re more in touch with your feelings, that’s a disrespectful stance that can hurt your marriage.
- Respect is a verb. Show respect and love regularly through your words and actions.
- Respect and contempt can’t co-exist. According to the Gottman Institute, contempt is the No. 1 predictor of divorce. Treating each other with disrespect will eventually destroy your relationship.
- Respect for yourself is as essential as respect for your partner.
I write much more about the relationship between respect and love in my book Strong Women, Strong Love. This week, look for ways to build respect in your marriage, whether that means choosing your words more carefully when you want your husband to do something around the house, or exercising your own self-respect by setting boundaries on disrespectful behavior.
Aretha Franklin was right: It really all does come down to R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
I Fell in Love with Her Courage
I fell in LOVE with her
COURAGE, her SINCERITY,
and her flaming
SELF RESPECT.
And it’s these things
I’d believe in,
even if the whole world indulged in
wild suspicions that she wasn’t
all she should be.
I LOVE her and it is the
BEGINNING OF EVERYTHING
~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
Valentine’s Day Ideas to Rekindle Passion
We spend an awful lot of time and money (an average of about $135) trying to make Valentine’s Day special for our partners.
We expect all those flowers, boxes of candy and fancy dinners to stoke the fires of romance and passion in our relationships.
But if you’re part of a longtime couple, those run-of-the-mill Valentine’s Day ideas might not be doing it anymore — especially if you celebrate the same way every year.
I’m a pragmatist — even about romance. So why not spend your time and money on some Valentine’s Day ideas that actually work?
Why We Get Bored
First, let’s take a quick look at why those Valentine’s Day roses that made you heart flutter the first year of your marriage don’t have quite the same effect on you now (and how something similar happens on a larger scale in marriage).
Roses haven’t gotten less lovely. The problem is that if your husband sends them every Valentine’s Day, you’ve gotten used to them. They no longer bring the novelty and surprise that psychotherapist, Esther Perel, says is essential to igniting desire.
And, just as you’ve gotten used to the roses, chances are you’ve gotten used to the husband who sends them. Maybe he made you swoon when you first met, but now you don’t know notice him as much because he’s so familiar to you.
That’s the challenge of relationships: The longer you’re together and the more deeply you know each other, the more connected you are as companions, but that same deep familiarity chips away at passion.
But knowing this is a normal shift in relationships doesn’t stop us from wanting to feel passion again the way we did in the early days of our relationship.
So what do we do?
The Real Keys to More Passion
To fire up your relationship, try adding some novelty and variety. Luckily, we have a romantic holiday coming up that’s a great excuse to do just that. Here are some Valentine’s Day ideas based on what research has found actually stimulates desire and passion.
- Keep growing together. Take a class together, or go to an exhibit or talk on a subject that intrigues you both. When you try new experiences and keep learning, the relationship keeps you stimulated and helps you grow as a person. That’s exactly the kind of relationship in which passion thrives!
- Book an exciting experience together. Exciting, challenging activities make couples more enthusiastic about their relationships than merely pleasant ones.
- Change up your routine. If you’re more of a stay-in-and-watch Netflix kind of couple, choose a new movie that will get your pulse racing. Instead of making reservations at the same restaurant you always choose for special occasions, try somewhere new that serves a cuisine you haven’t tried. Likewise, skip your usual favorite weekend getaway this year to explore a different destination.
- Strengthen the relationship habits that have been clearly linked to passion, such as: (1) thinking positive thoughts about your partner (2) thinking about each other when you’re apart, and (3) being very affectionate (kissing, hugging, holding hands) when you are together.
- If you’d rather take a quieter route to passion, never underestimate the value of just being present for each other. Remember the New York Times story about how to fall in love with anyone that was so popular on social media last month? As the story shows, being fully present is one of the greatest drivers of passion. We all want to be seen by another. Put your phones up and connect through touch, eye contact and deep listening.
You’ll find more ideas about cultivating passion in my book Strong Women, Strong Love. I wish you a Valentine’s Day filled with true passion and connection!
Marriage and Self-Compassion
I’ve been involved in organizing a workshop this month featuring Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading expert on self-compassion. If you’re in the San Antonio area, I invite you to join us in learning from Dr. Neff at this event on January 30. (See the end of this post for more information.)
For many years, we’ve heard that we should all try to increase our self-esteem by working on our insecurities and reminding ourselves of how special we are. Sounds great, right? Turns out, if you’re trying to feel better about yourself, this is not the best way to go about it. Instead of trying to convince yourself of your awesomeness, it’s much more effective to put your attention on the actual relationship you have with yourself.
The work of psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff tells us that many of us are way too hard on ourselves and need to treat ourselves with more self-compassion. When we do so, we’re healthier, more productive and feel more confident. We’re also more likely to be kinder to the people we love.
Self-compassion means doing the following things, especially when you are going through a hard time:
1. Being kind toward yourself.
2. Understanding that every human being experiences suffering and struggles with feeling inadequate.
3. Noticing your painful thoughts or feelings, without running from them or trying to squash them.
To see how self-compassionate you are, try this quiz on Dr. Neff’s website: http://bit.ly/1iYUVUH
The Trap of ‘Never Enough’
Many women get stuck in a harsh way of relating to themselves. In my book, Strong Women, Strong Love, I talk about all the demands on women today and how we expect ourselves to excel in all spheres. We aim for successful careers, passionate marriages and thriving children — not to mention a slender body, a lively social life and a perfectly decorated home.
Women often fall into the trap of judging themselves as never being good enough. It’s easy to get caught up in the idea that if we can just get that promotion, or remodel the kitchen or lose 5 more pounds, then things will be perfect. Then we will be worthy.
But the thing is, we never get there. There’s always a new benchmark to achieve or acquire. In reality, there’s no way we can realistically achieve all those high standards.
To put it mildly, this is a really stressful way to live. Dr. Neff says:
The great angst of modern life is this: no matter how hard we try, no matter how successful we are, no matter how good a parent, worker, or spouse we are – it’s never enough. There is always someone richer, thinner, smarter, or more powerful, someone that makes us feel small in comparison. Failure of any kind, large or small, is unacceptable. The result: therapist’s offices, pharmaceutical companies, and the self-help aisles of bookstores are besieged by people who feel they’re not okay as they are.
Dr. Neff’s advice is to practice self-compassion and treat yourself as you would a good friend, instead of relentlessly demanding that you “fix” everything that is wrong with you. She writes:
Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings — after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect.
Using Compassion to Improve Your Marriage
Relationship science is clear that kindness and generosity are two vital ingredients for making a relationship last. When you are gentle with yourself in all your humanness, you’re more likely to treat your spouse with that same consideration. And when you accept that getting frustrated or falling short sometimes is just part of being human (and not some fatal flaw of yours), you’re likely to extend that gentle worldview to others.
Research studies offers effective ways for relating to your spouse with more compassion:
1. Connect and show interest when your spouse makes an effort to engage you. If you’re in the middle of something, look up, make eye contact and acknowledge your husband for a little bit. Being kind means understanding the power you have to make your husband feel important or irrelevant and using that power to build him up. (Reference)
2. Stay calm and constructive when there is conflict. Stress takes a toll on us, physically and emotionally. And it takes a toll on our marriages. Feeling exhausted, anxious and inadequate doesn’t exactly set the stage for warm interactions with our partners. When you’re spent, it’s more likely you will flip your lid and hurt each other. Compassion helps you remember you’re not enemies and prevents you from hitting below the belt and damaging your relationship.
3. Respond to your partner’s good news with genuine enthusiasm. It’s not just important that you are sensitive when your husband is going through a hard time. Be kind and share his happiness when he has a “win,” and you’ll find the trust and closeness increasing. (Reference)
Choosing Compassion
You can learn much more about the practice of self-compassion and its benefits in Dr. Neff’s book Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself or by attend the upcoming workshop. Think about how you can embrace this gentler worldview this week.
Self-Compassion and Emotional Resilience: A Workshop by Dr. Kristin Neff
9 a.m.-4:30 p.m. Jan. 30, 2015
Whitley Center, Oblate School of Theology
285 Oblate Drive, San Antonio
Visit Eventbrite for tickets.
Presented by Institute for the Advancement of Mindful Living, peaceCENTER and UTSA Counseling Services.
The I Ching on Relationships
When two people are at one
in their innermost hearts,
they shatter even the strength of iron or of bronze.
And when two people understand each other
in their innermost hearts,
their words are sweet and strong,
like the fragrance of orchids.
~I Ching
10 New Year’s Resolutions for Your Marriage
Happy 2015! As the new year begins, we’re all thinking a lot about our goals and wishes for the next 12 months. Perhaps one of your New Year’s resolutions is strengthening your marriage. So how do you break a big goal like that into actions you can take every day? Pick one or more of the ideas from the following list to turn into habits for 2015.
- Prioritize couple time. Work, family and the other myriad demands of daily life can easily crowd out your time for each other. But consider this: The stronger your bond with your husband, the more likely it is that the two of you will work as a team to face life’s hardships . Care for your relationship, and it will make your life easier.
- But don’t forget ‘you’ time. While you need times of deep connection with your husband, you also need some breathing room. Make time for the things that you love — the things that make you you. You’ll come back to the relationship a much happier and more intriguing partner.
- Reign in the disrespect. If you tend to be snarky, sarcastic, or roll your eyes when you’re unhappy with your husband, resolve to change your habits this year. Never shame, humiliate or show contempt toward your partner because you’ll eventually destroy the relationship.
- Show your love. Research shows that the happiest couples have a lot of positive interactions that make it clear they value and deeply care for each other — specifically, 20 positive interactions for every negative one. Need to bring up you numbers? Express appreciation, give compliments and even work on greeting each other warmly. It all counts!
- Give generously to the relationship. Do you find yourself “keeping score” on how each of you contributes in your relationship? This can keep you mired in resentment and hold you back from making positive changes. Granted, no one likes that “Do I have to do everything?” feeling. But in the long run, you’ll be happier knowing you are definitely doing your part to keep your relationship healthy.
- Protect your marriage from stress. Make no mistake: The stressful, demanding times we live in affect your relationship. Researchers Lisa Neff and Benjamin Karney found that couples exposed to high stress for extended periods tend to be much more reactive to the normal ups and downs of relationships. To ease stress, take care of your basic needs (getting enough sleep, eating nutritious food), ease up on your expectations for yourself, and take concrete steps to decrease the pressure.
- Listen up. Learning to listen deeply is one of the best ways to deepen your connection and sweeten your life together. This kind of listening means you must be present, so turn off your phone, put away the to do list , and make real human contact for a few moments. When you tune into each other in this way and then listen with an open mind and heart, you’ll uproot the feelings of loneliness and rejection that cause problems in many relationships.
- Just ask. Sometimes we hesitate to ask for what we need, figuring our husbands “should” know. Or we end up expressing our needs in complaints. It’s a lot more effective to ask instead of complaining or silently stewing, so resolve to be more direct this year.
- Correct your relationship vision. It’s not your imagination — it’s challenging to keep a long-term relationship vibrant and interesting. Our brains love novelty, so it’s easy to take the person you’ve been married to many years for granted. Because your partner is so familiar, you literally can’t see all of who he is any more. To make matters worse, because our minds tend to focus on the negative, it’s easy to get locked into only seeing the many ways in which he irritates you. So, resolve to make it a habit to periodically step back and really look at your husband. See if you can learn something new about him, and notice all his qualities, not just the annoying ones. Hopefully, you’ll be able to clearly see why you married him in the first place.
- Work on acceptance. Remember that you are two imperfect people probably doing the best you can in this relationship. Don’t get caught in the trap of trying to fix or change your partner to make him the perfect husband. Everyone has shortcomings. So, resolve to accept (and maybe even love) his imperfections, and you’ll keep your marriage on solid ground.
You can read more about each of these tips and get more ideas for nurturing your relationship in my book Strong Women, Strong Love: The Missing Manual for the Modern Marriage. I wish you a year full of joy, passion and close companionship in 2015!
