In my book, I reveal the information most therapists use to help people improve their marriages. I show you how to build a great marriage without compromising your self-confidence and strength as a woman. You also discover specific ways you can reduce the very real risks that stress and recent changes in gender roles bring to your marriage.
To help you continue learning about what it takes to have an incredible marriage, I’d like to share my personal list of favorite marriage books, many of which you will find referenced in Strong Women, Strong Love. I believe so much in the importance of regular care and maintenance of your relationship. These particular books will add to your knowledge of the most vital ways to nurture the bond between you and your husband.
In the field of marriage research, Dr. John Gottman’s work has been seminal in helping us understand exactly what makes a marriage succeed or falter. Gottman is well known for being able to predict with fairly high accuracy which couples will divorce. He observes that when the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling) take residence in a marriage, it’s a strong signal that the marriage is failing.Gottman states that whether you have conflict in a relationship is far less important than how you manage it. If you want to get a handle on the key research findings about marriage, you must read this book.
Dr. Sue Johnson is the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) which emphasizes the importance of creating a marriage that is an emotional safe haven. Johnson teaches how to step out of common relationship dances (such as desperately chasing your partner or avoiding him) so that the two of you can meet each other’s needs for connection, comfort, and caring. This book will help you understand your partner’s emotional needs at a much deeper level.
Getting the Love You Want is a classic in the field of couples therapy. Dr. Harville Hendrix is well known as the creator of Imago Relationship Therapy. He believes that you subconsciously choose your partner because he is the right person to help you heal from the emotional hurts you carry from childhood (and vice versa). Hendrix suggests that once the glow of romance wears off, it’s important for a couple to deal with whatever emotional baggage shows up. This book teaches you how to deal with each other’s emotional hot buttons so you can eventually have a deeply satisfying relationship.
You may be familiar with Dr. Harriet Lerner’s classic book The Dance of Anger. Lerner is a distinguished psychologist who has an amazing ability to translate her many years of clinical experience into wise, practical, helpful advice. In Marriage Rules, she gives readers 100 insightful “rules” for improving your marriage. I think you’ll find this book useful no matter how long you’ve been married.
As I do in my book, Terrence Real (a family therapist with a focus on men’s issues and couples therapy) gets into the issue of how gender roles have changed and how that affects marriage. One of his most useful pieces of advice to women is to avoid “losing strategies” with men, such as needing to be right, controlling your partner, and withdrawal. If you are looking for a better understanding of the male perspective, this book can be tremendously helpful.
This book is a little under the radar, but it has lots of smart advice about the trouble spots that marriages can hit. Dr. Ellen Wachtel, a marriage and family therapist, knows what works, whether your issue is disagreements about parenting or a sex life that’s gone cold. Her core message is that you can keep love, warmth and good feelings alive in your marriage for the long haul.
These are a few of the best books about marriage out there. Please check back periodically as we add reviews of other books that can help you keep your relationship solid.
An interesting new study confirms something you perhaps knew intuitively. The findings? When someone forgives and stays with a cheating spouse, we tend to think less of that person, especially if he or she is in a leadership role.
I think there’s definitely a societal expectation to dump a spouse who is caught cheating. Just look at how many more popular songs there are about taking revenge on philanderers vs. taking them back!
At the root of that expectation might be some self-righteousness. People tend to think that an affair would never happen in their marriage. But I can tell you as a psychologist that affairs happen to all types of couples, and that some people who have affairs are the last people you’d ever suspect. Affairs don’t just happen to serial philanderers or die-hard cheaters. They happen to people who love their spouses, care about their marriages and never intended to cheat.
We’re all vulnerable sometimes in our marriages. Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring, a leading expert on the topic of affairs, confirms that there are often external stressors preceding an affair, such as the birth of a child, career success, or job loss. In our busy lives, meeting each other’s needs takes work. And sometimes opportunity lines up with unmet needs and disconnection in a way that leads to an affair.
Infidelity brings pain and distrust to a relationship, but if both partners still care about the marriage and each other, it doesn’t automatically mean the end of the relationship. (Again, we’re not talking about serial philanderers here — that’s a bigger problem and a very different situation than the average affair.)
How does healing happen? First, the partner who cheated has to be transparent. He must be willing to admit what he has done and acknowledge the hurt it caused. This process goes a lot deeper than just saying “I’m sorry, now let’s move on.”
The unfaithful partner also has to be willing to help the hurt spouse heal. She must answer questions, be with the partner through the considerable pain that comes after an affair and do what she can to help her spouse trust her again. This process can be lengthy and very emotionally difficult.
As scary as it may be, the hurt spouse has to be open to the repair attempts of their partner. Although there is a natural tendency to want to make your spouse “pay” for what they’ve done, in the long run doing so sabotages your attempts to heal. Opening your heart to your partner knowing there’s some risk of being hurt again can be terribly frightening, but if your partner seems genuinely remorseful, know that taking these risks is a critical part of the healing process.
At some point, it’s important for both parties to see if there is anything that made their relationship vulnerable to the affair. Infidelity can be a indication that something else was going wrong in the relationship. According to relationships expert Dr. Sue Johnson, affairs often take root when partners are disconnected or feel unappreciated.
Even though the trust in the marriage has been heavily compromised, the wronged spouse can’t constantly play watchdog. Although shattered trust may never be fully repaired, it doesn’t mean you can’t rebuild a strong, emotionally-close relationship. I’ve seen some clients’ relationships become healthier in many ways after an affair because it forced them to finally deal with their issues.
I wish I could tell you that the path back from infidelity is an easier one, but, contrary to what popular opinion tells us, there is a path there.
Be honest: Has the holiday weekend left you refreshed, or are you exhausted right now?
The Labor Day holiday seems like an appropriate time to take a closer look at how much women work, how tired it’s making us, and the effect of all this “laboring” on our marriages and families.
Let’s start with a few important facts that provide clues about why you may be finding yourself so tired these days:
–Data from a CDC survey shows that women actually do report feeling exhausted more often than men do. The difference is most pronounced in the years that most of us are raising families.
–Women’s financial responsibilities in the family have increased significantly in recent years. According to the Pew Research Center, in 40% of the households that have children under 18, mothers are the primary or sole breadwinners.
–Although men are certainly doing more domestic chores than in the past, the Bureau of Labor and Statistics reports that working women are still carrying more of the housework burden.
–This probably won’t surprise you, either: A study published in the American Sociological Review, found that women multitask more than men, spending 40% of their waking hours doing at least two activities at once. Most of the juggling is with household tasks and childcare, two areas in which women are often judged by others if they don’t do them well.
–A study by the University of New Hampshire found that when kids were sick, 74% of mothers missed work to stay home with their sick child compared to 40% of men. Many families find that demands made by employers make it difficult to fulfill other important responsibilities, thereby constantly increasing work stress (and exhaustion).
All of this takes its toll on our relationships. We get snappy and impatient with our kids, and it’s hard to have emotional or physical intimacy with our partners when we’re so tired and stressed (See blogpost on “The Science of Flipping Your Lid”).
Speaking with the Washington Postabout the topic of exhaustion, author and researcher Brene Brown notes that fear can be a barrier to fighting constant overwhelm. People in her studies have told her: “If I really stopped and let myself relax, I would crater. Because the truth is I’m exhausted, I’m disconnected from my partner, I don’t feel super connected to my kids right now.”
If you see a lot of yourself in this statement, consider these ideas for dealing with exhaustion:
1. Remember you’re not alone. First, it’s important to realize that it isn’t “just you.” Economic realities are having a huge impact on life for American families. Brene Brown reminds us that we’re also up against cultural norms that tie our self-worth to our productivity and make being constantly busy and exhausted a status symbol of sorts.
2. Do one thing at a time when you can. Make every effort to curb multitasking. Although it may seem like you’re getting more done, did you know multitasking actually reduces productivity? Not only that, it’s mentally and physically exhausting!
3. Stop saying, “yes.” Although some reasons for our busyness and exhaustion can’t be avoided, others can. As women, our default answer when someone asks us to do something tends to be “yes.” We don’t want to disappoint anyone, but we’re much more effective, and happier, when we set stronger boundaries. Limit how much you have on your plate, and you’ll have more time and energy for the people and things you love.
4. Choose you. Everyone needs time to refuel. Take time to rest, play, and do things that energize you. Taking time for you is not being “lazy;” it’s absolutely essential to your health and well-being.
5. Work together. Finally, and most importantly, work together with your partner. Instead of stewing about what your husband isn’t doing, ask for more help with housework and child care. And don’t stop him and take over when he doesn’t do things exactly your way. (See blog posts on micromanaging) Instead of trying to divide all your household tasks 50-50, look for ways to share responsibilities that play to your individual strengths. If he loves cooking and you love Quicken, for example, let him handle meal duty while you take care of your finances. All of this takes negotiation, of course, but it’s worth the effort. With all of the overwhelming demands on our families, you’ll both feel a lot better facing them as a team.
So in honor of this Labor Day weekend, make a vow to labor less, and to rest, play, and reconnect with your husband and kids much more.
Dr. John Gottman, Dr. Julie Gottman, & Dr. Daniel Siegel
Do you remember the last time you “flipped your lid”? Or experienced it when your spouse did?
“Flipping your lid” is psychiatrist Dr. Daniel Siegel’s term for what happens when stress shuts down part of your brain. Marital researcher Dr. John Gottman calls it “emotional flooding.” You may have described it other ways: “I tried to talk to him, but it was like he’d lost his mind.” “I was so freaked out, I just couldn’t listen.”
Did you know that when you (or your partner) feel like this, it’s actually because of a hardwired response that is activated when you feel physically or emotionally threatened?
The hand model
During The Siegel-Gottman Summit I attended last month in Seattle, Siegel explained the brain science behind “flipping your lid.” To help us understand what goes on in our brains when we “flip,” he demonstrated a hand model of the brain which you can see in the following video:
As he shows in the video, when our stress levels get too high, we’re exhausted, or we feel threatened, the primitive area of the brain geared toward survival hijacks the part of that brain that reasons, plans and makes good decisions. When you flip out, you are essentially turning on the body’s “fight or flight” response and are much more likely to behave in ways that infuriate or alienate your partner.
It’s important to remember that your partner can’t just turn off or snap out of this response. It’s also vital to understand that when your partner flips his lid, he’s not showing you his “true colors” or some side of his personality he had kept hidden. He’s just showing you that, in this particular moment, his brain is temporarily overwhelmed.
What stops working when we flip our lids?
We can’t process information.
Because we’re not really hearing what the other person is saying, we don’t have empathy.
We get defensive and have difficulty being open
We get “stuck in our story” — we keep repeating our position.
We get tunnel vision
We can’t effectively solve problems
Factors that increase the odds of flipping your lid
Being hungry, tired, under pressure or chronically stressed sets us up to flip our lids. That sounds a lot like a typical day in our busy, modern lives, doesn’t it? Our brains also feel very threatened when we’re on the receiving end of criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling. Gottman calls these negative behaviors “The Four Horsemen” because their chronic presence often predicts the end of a relationship. When you are flooded by overwhelming negativity from your spouse, you’re much more likely to flip out.
What helps
If you find yourself flipping your lid during an argument with your spouse, the most helpful thing you both can do is stand down for a while. You need at least 20 minutes for your nervous system to calm down so that you can be responsive to the other person. It may take longer, especially if you keep talking to yourself negatively even after you’ve stepped back from the tense situation. To keep from stewing, practice a calming activity like taking a walk or doing breathing exercises. When you’re ready, re-engage gently with your partner. Use a soft tone of voice, gentle touch and kind eye contact. But if either of you is still overwhelmed, back off again and practice more self-soothing.
It’s interesting to note that men get flooded (to use Gottman’s term) more easily and stay flooded longer. So if your partner tends to shut down and withdraw, this could be what’s going on. You may feel like chasing after your husband when he distances to try to get him to re-engage — after all, it seems like dismissive behavior if you don’t know the brain science behind it. But it’s actually better to let him pull back for a while until his brain can reset.
Preventing flip-outs
The right self-care habits can keep our brains running in a calmer state and make us less likely to flip our lids. Regularly practicing meditation, guided imagery or deep breathing literally changes how our brains are wired. Learning the early warning signals that either you or your husband are headed for flip out helps too. When you see that either one of you is getting overwhelmed, practice an ounce of prevention by dialing down the level of stress and keeping things as calm as possible.
More from the conference
Another fascinating topic that Siegel discussed was the adolescent brain and what we can learn from it about our own brain health. Read more on the main website for my practice.
When your husband is tired or depleted, he takes a break to have fun, sleeps or has a snack.
But when you are tired or depleted, you keep pushing on, because people need you and there’s so much to be done.
And his ability to hit the “off” switch is driving you a little crazy. It just seems so … selfish.
Let’s take a closer look at what’s going on here.
Men get very different messages about self-care than we do. They’re more at ease with the idea that they have to tend to their own needs as a part of basic self-maintenance.
As women, though, we’ve often internalized the idea that self-care equals selfishness. We’re taught to prioritize others to a fault. When we expect ourselves to have it all and do it all, it’s hard to fit down time into that vision.
This may sound counterintuitive at first, but you’ll be able to do more if you take your foot off the gas sometimes. You need self-care — rest, exercise, healthy food, time for yourself — to have the marriage, family and career you want.
If you find yourself irritated at your husband for sleeping in on Saturdays or taking his annual guys camping trip when your family is busy, your ire could be a reflection of how harsh and demanding you are being on yourself.
There’s a quote I love by the late Dr. Maya Angelou: “I do not trust people who don’t love themselves and yet tell me ‘I love you.’ There is an African saying, which is ‘Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt.’”
Try this: Experiment with giving yourself a break for self-care. Be compassionate and gentle with yourself, remembering that you’re not being selfish. Allow yourself to experience how good it feels to stop pushing and tend to your own needs for a while. Isn’t it a relief? Keep doing this, and you may see a shift in how you feel when your husband takes down time.
A marriage retreat is a wonderful thing to do for your relationship, and summer is a great time to do one. While there are plenty of good options out there if you want to go on a formal marriage retreat, you can also plan a “DIY” retreat which can be far more convenient. All you need are an open mind and a little extra downtime, perhaps when the kids are visiting Grandma or busy with their own activities on vacation.
The goal of any marriage retreat is to bring you closer to each other. You’ll want to take an honest look at how your relationship is going, and come up with some ways to make it even better.
Here are the 5 general steps to follow for a DIY marriage retreat:
1. Set a date. Intentionally schedule some cozy time together – maybe a long date night or a weekend away. Then get to work on creating a mood that is relaxed and emotionally inviting, so the two of you will want to show up!
2. Get fully present. Remove all the distractions and get physically relaxed. Turn off the cell phones and other technology. Play music, take a walk together, or get a massage. Share a delicious meal and linger over dessert. Make eye contact, smile, and hold hands. Give each other the gift of your full attention.
3. Be curious. For your relationship to succeed, it helps for you and your partner to know each other really well — and we’re not just talking about clothing sizes or favorite foods. Without deeper knowledge of your spouse, it’s easy for misunderstandings and resentment to escalate. Although you may believe you already know everything there is to know about your husband, open your mind and see if you can take that learning to a deeper level by making that a major focus of your DIY marriage retreat. The key is to really listen, as if you didn’t know your partner at all.
Here are a few areas you can explore together:
Your best and worst memories of childhood.
What you emotionally needed as a child, but did not get.
What your family taught you about conflict.
What your family taught you about expressing emotions.
What you family taught you about touch and sexuality.
What your family taught you about money.
What your family taught you about gender roles.
How your cultural background affected your upbringing.
How your family’s economic situation affected you.
How your family structure affected you (i.e., single parent, step-family, adoptive family).
Your greatest regrets in life.
How you handle emotional pain.
What you feel proud of in your life.
Your dreams for your life.
What makes you feel absolutely loved and cherished.
Who has been most emotionally important to you in your life.
What is currently causing you the most stress.
What you need from the marriage, but are not getting.
How you can support each other in achieving your personal goals.
If you run out of topics to discuss, here are a 36 more questions research has shown will build intimacy in relationships: http://bit.ly/1sCdUIz. Of course, you don’t have to get through every discussion area this time. Nurturing your intimate friendship is an ongoing conversation — the important thing is just to start talking and exploring.
4. Express positive feelings. Everyone needs to feel loved, appreciated and supported. Take time out to explicitly tell your spouse what he means to you and how much you appreciate his presence in your life. Be sure to also voice gratitude for the little and big things he does for you. Now let him take a turn. If you recall, research shows that the couples who have the most successful long-term relationships tend to also be the most emotionally warm with one another.
5. Take it all home. Once the retreat is over, apply what you’ve learned to make your marriage even stronger. Being present, curious, and appreciative on a regular basis will certainly improve the quality of your relationship as you move forward together.
When the people we love or with whom we have a deep connection stop caring, stop paying attention, stop investing and fighting for the relationship, trust begins to slip away and hurt starts seeping in. Disengagement triggers shame and our greatest fears—the fears of being abandoned, unworthy, and unlovable. What can make this covert betrayal so much more dangerous than something like a lie or an affair is that we can’t point to the source of our pain—there’s no event, no obvious evidence of brokenness. It can feel crazy-making.
