by Strong Women Strong Love | Jul 7, 2014 | Quotes |
He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.
~Bob Marley
by Strong Women Strong Love | Jul 4, 2014 | Quotes |
The BEST FEELING in the world is being with someone who WANTS YOU as much as YOU WANT THEM.
by Strong Women Strong Love | Jul 2, 2014 | Personal Power |
This Independence Day, I encourage you to think about your own independence within your marriage. I’ve seen a lack of independence hurt many relationships. Sometimes women get caught in the trap of being too focused on their husband after marriage. Our husbands fall in love with our vibrant individuality, but then are surprised when we start making everything about them.
What drives a person to be overly focused on their partner in a marriage?
- Insecurity. If you have a weak sense of self, odds are that you feel insecure and cling to your husband to make sure you don’t lose him. Unfortunately, excessive closeness can feel suffocating, so your husband may do the very thing you’re afraid of–pull away from you.
- Niceness. Many women also believe they must be nice and nurturing at all times, so they are constantly looking for what their husband needs. You may have the misconception that if you don’t completely take care of your husband, he will think of you’re selfish and become dissatisfied in the relationship. Be warned: If you are too nice and never take care of yourself, your husband may start to take you for granted, and this is an inevitable recipe for resentment.
- Need for approval. Another common fear is that if he doesn’t approve of your choices, he will become disinterested. So you may give up what you like to wear, the things you like to do, and the types of foods you like to eat in order to please him. Unfortunately, the more you twist yourself like a pretzel to get his approval, the more needy and boring you appear to him.
Independence doesn’t mean that you don’t think of your husband at all. (Behaving that way would create a whole other kind of relationship problem!) It’s good to care about him and want him to have his needs met. However, it’s also appropriate to consider your own needs and expect your partner to support you in meeting them.
Your relationship will be healthier and happier when you both have a secure sense of self, trust one another, and can move between independence and closeness in your relationship. If your own sense of self is feeling a little shaky, try to ease up some on your focus on others. Get back in touch with who you are and what you like to do. Give some of that care and validation you lavish on others back to yourself.
It sounds counterintuitive, but pulling back a bit to take care of you will actually bring your partner closer. My book Strong Women, Strong Love has more ideas for nurturing yourself and your relationship.
Happy July Fourth, and enjoy your independence!
by Strong Women Strong Love | Jun 12, 2014 | Persistent Pressures, Understanding Men |
With Father’s Day coming, it’s a good time to think about why dads and husbands are so often the butt of our jokes.
Don’t believe me? You can see stereotypes about men’s ineptitude even on Father’s Day cards. How many cards have you noticed that make fun of dads as less competent than moms, or for being interested only in sports and beer? And think about representations of husbands and dads in pop culture. You’re not alone if the bumbling Homer Simpson was the first example that sprang to your mind.
No matter how much silly cards or “Simpsons” reruns make you laugh, they carry some pretty damning messages about men: They’re little boys at heart, just another “child” for a mom to take care of. They don’t express emotions, and they certainly don’t want to talk about them. They don’t understand women, and they don’t know how to care for kids.
All these stereotypes create barriers to men’s full engagement in their relationships, especially in their roles as fathers. In the U.S., our expectations for dads are pitifully low. Maybe you’ve always believed that guys “can’t help it” if they don’t know how to take care of a child because that is just how men are wired.
But everything we are learning about our brains shoots holes in that theory. Have you heard the term “neuroplasticity”? Our brains have an amazing ability to keep evolving throughout our lives. That means that men can improve their relationship skills and learn to nurture children (if they don’t already have these skills).
And it’s my belief that more men would become involved fathers if they were allowed to do so. Just like women, men struggle with stereotypes and expectations about who they “should” be and what they can’t do. For men, it may not be considered so “manly” to put their kids above providing for the family or pursuing a successful career. Think of how socially hard it is to be a stay-at-home dad or how many companies offer paternity leave, and you’ll see what I mean.
I believe our relationships could be so much stronger if we all had more room to be who we really are! Perhaps your low expectations haven’t given your husband room to step up as a dad, or you’ve been pushing for new behaviors, but he insists that he’s just a guy who can’t change. Either way, the following ideas should give you some inspiration for moving beyond the old stereotypes of dads and fathers.
- Learn to hold back. Do you believe your husband can’t handle being alone with their kids, so you never leave him alone with them? Remember that he can’t become competent with the kids unless you give him a chance to be alone with them and learn. So take off for a while, and give him the space to pick up some new skills.
- Don’t hover or micromanage. If your husband does something like change a diaper without prompting, don’t correct him or try to get him to do it exactly the way you do. If he asks for help, give it. If not, let him do things his way.
- Believe in him. When you’re trying to learn something new, it helps tremendously to know that your partner believes in you. Even if you have some doubts about whether he can take on something you usually handle, show him that you have faith.
- Hold him accountable. When your husband flakes out or pulls the “guy card,” call him on it. Explain that it undermines your trust when he doesn’t follow through on something he said he would do.
- Remember the big picture. Sometimes it feels easier to jump in and just handle something yourself, but in the long run, both of you will be happier if you’re both competent parents. So, push through your discomfort and allow change to take hold.
I wish you a wonderful Father’s Day. Go ahead and give your husband that funny Homer Simpson card, if you like. Just remember that he’s capable of far more than Homer is!
by Strong Women Strong Love | Jun 3, 2014 | Passionate Partnership |
We associate June with weddings. If you know any couples walking down the aisle this month, you’ve probably noticed that they’re starry-eyed with passion. And, no doubt, they wouldn’t believe you if you told them they won’t always feel that way. There’s a romantic ideal that once you’ve found “the one,” you’ll share passion that burns brightly forever. But it’s normal for passion to wane over time, even as your partnership grows deeper in other ways.
Social psychologist Elaine Hatfield explains that there are actually two types of love. Passionate love is physical and emotional longing. It’s what you feel when you first fall in love. Companionate love is characterized by intimate friendship, but it’s less emotionally charged. It’s tough to maintain passionate and companionate love at the same time because these two types of love thrive in polar opposite conditions. Companionate love will typically emerge out of the intimacy and comfort of daily interaction, but passion thrives on surprise, distance, and novelty, which must be cultivated more deliberately if you’ve been together a long time. Although it’s virtually impossible to maintain a constant state of passion in your relationship, incorporate these specific habits to keep the spark of passion alive in your marriage:
- Put some more time into other relationships. When you spend time with other people you enjoy, you bring fresh energy back into your marriage and take the pressure off your spouse to meet all your needs. Giving your partner some breathing room helps him see you with fresh eyes.
- Get out of your routines. Try something new on your date nights, especially if it jolts your nervous system or gets your heart racing. Think seeing a scary movie or riding a motorcycle.
- Learn something new. Take a class or develop a new hobby. Besides making you happier, developing different aspects of your life makes you more intriguing to your partner.
I talk more about maintaining passion in marriage in my book Strong Women, Strong Love. I also recommend Esther Perel’s TED talk “The Secret to Desire in a Long-Term Relationship.”
Try out some of these tips in your marriage this week. You just might give those honeymooners a run for their money!
by Strong Women Strong Love | May 21, 2014 | Passionate Partnership, Persistent Pressures, Understanding Men |
Have you ever caught yourself saying, “My husband doesn’t appreciate me”? The desire for appreciation and validation is a natural one. We all want a relationship that makes us feel good about ourselves.
Research has shown that an atmosphere of warmth and appreciation is vital to the health of a marriage. Renowned marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman found that couples in long, happy marriages make a habit of noticing the positives. In fact, they typically make about 20 positive statements for every negative one during everyday conversations with their spouse. And even during times of conflict, that ratio of positive to negative is about five to one!
With appreciation being so important, you’re justified in complaining about your husband’s lack of it, right? Well, it’s natural to want appreciation, but waiting for your husband to get the ball rolling is likely to result in continued frustration. He probably doesn’t realize you’re feeling unappreciated. He may not fully grasp everything you do for the family or even why some of it is necessary.
As a woman, your focus may be on maintaining high standards for your home, parenting, and appearance because women are judged more harshly than men in these realms. Since the success and worth of a man is measured differently, your husband may be puzzled by why you’re working so hard and tell you, “Just don’t do it!” if you complain about exhaustion.
Rather than waiting for your husband to notice your contributions, a better strategy is to start showing more appreciation yourself, which will lead your husband to reciprocate. Since men are under pressure to be strong, capable, and confident, genuinely acknowledging these particular qualities may be especially meaningful. I get that this might feel unfair, but I urge you to try it out for a few days as an experiment. You may be surprised to find out that your husband has been feeling some of the same hunger for appreciation as you.
It’s common for husbands and wives to start to take each other for granted. But being deliberate about kindness and appreciation can protect your relationship from stagnation and resentment. Every day this week, make it a goal to notice three positive things about your partner and compliment him on them. Stick with this marriage-boosting habit, and you’ll notice the mood starting to change in your relationship.
by Strong Women Strong Love | May 20, 2014 | In the News |
Congratulations! It is our great pleasure to inform you that you are a Winner in the Marriage category for the 2014 National Indie Excellence Awards. Your book, Strong Women, Strong Love: The Missing Manual for the Modern Marriage truly embodies the excellence that this award was created to celebrate, and we salute you and your fine work.
The lists of winners and finalists will be highlighted on our website. Please go to www.indieexcellence.com to see your name and book cover among those of the other proud winners and finalists.
The entire team at the National Indie Excellence Awards sincerely hopes your participation in our contest will serve you well in creating the success your book deserves. You have our sincerest congratulations.
Warmly,
Ellen Reid
President & CEO
National Indie Excellence Awards
www.indieexcellence.com
ellen@indieexcellence.com
by Strong Women Strong Love | May 15, 2014 | Events |
You are invited to attend a complimentary teleseminar! See details below.
Strong women:
- Is your marriage struggling?
- Are you not sure what to do about it?
- Are you afraid you may end up divorced if things don’t change?
The divorce rate has hovered around 50% for a while, and most divorces are now initiated by women. Those who divorce typically remarry, but divorce rates for subsequent marriages are even higher. Why is that? Are women just marrying the wrong guy over and over?
Licensed psychologist, Dr. Poonam Sharma, is the author of the Amazon bestseller, Strong Women, Strong Love: The Missing Manual for the Modern Marriage. In her book, she explains why strong, successful women struggle inside their marriages and what professionals know about making a marriage work.
In this free teleseminar, Dr. Sharma reveals three critical mistakes you may be unintentionally making that could be undermining your marriage. Register to learn some practical, straightforward strategies you can immediately implement to get your relationship moving in a more positive direction.
When? Friday, May 30, 2014 from 1:30 to 2:30 PM, Central Standard Time
PLEASE REGISTER AT: http://bit.ly/1nNzjK2.
What is a teleseminar? A teleseminar is a seminar conducted over the telephone through a teleconferencing bridge line. You simply call into a phone number at the time of the seminar, enter your access code, and you are connected! All this from the convenience of your home or office and with no travel time.
Can’t make it at the seminar time? If you cannot attend the teleseminar, don’t worry. Go ahead and register, and you will receive a link to the replay recording after the event ends.
Free report with subscription. With your registration, you will receive an invitation to join the Strong Women, Strong Love mailing list. Confirm your subscription, and you will immediately gain free access to an exclusive report: “10 Easy Ways to Get Him to Listen.” Don’t worry, your privacy is important to us. We never sell your information to anyone, ever.
by Strong Women Strong Love | May 5, 2014 | Persistent Pressures, Personal Power |
Many women dream all their lives of motherhood. And there’s no doubt about it, the bond with your child is one of the strongest you will have with anyone. But along with the joys of children come additional pressures that can make life more intense and stressful.
According to research, marital satisfaction takes its biggest nosedive after the birth of the first child. That’s mostly because couples have so little time to spend with each other because they are so busy juggling other competing demands such as work pressures, kids’ activities, and housework.
It’s so easy to lose yourself to motherhood — to become disconnected from yourself and your other passions. When time and help are limited, you are often choosing between your own needs and that of your husband and kids. Making sure your needs are somewhere in the mix is vital — even when it’s hard. Otherwise, both your well-being and your marriage are at risk.
Here are three ideas for taking care of both:
1. Slow down the pace in your household to one that feels more sane. Limit kids’ outside activities. What your children need most is to be seen and understood by you, not a constant flurry of classes, team practices or club meetings.
2. Take time just for you. At first, that may simply be the luxury of showering without someone knocking on the bathroom door! Eventually move toward regular time dedicated to yourself. Yes, your spouse will need to step up to help you take this time, but you can certainly return the favor.
3. Make regular time with your husband. A happy marriage protects the health of everyone in the household, so carve out some time to enjoy with your husband.
Taking care of yourself makes you a better mom and wife. Make sure it’s part of your Mother’s Day celebration!
by Strong Women Strong Love | Apr 21, 2014 | Excerpts from Strong Women Strong Love, Principal Priorities, Quotes |
A marriage does not remain healthy and survive hardship by chance. Instead, such longevity is the result of thousands of decisions to move toward your partner, rather than away, especially when things are tough.
~Poonam Sharma, PhD
