Love Generously
My bounty is as boundless as the sea,
My love as deep. The more I give to thee,
The more I have, for both are infinite.
~ William Shakespeare’s Juliet
Love Should Liberate
Marriage is a union, to be sure,
but it’s a union that should liberate,
not incarcerate.
Real love shouldn’t limit
a person’s potential,
it should expand it.
-Seth Adam Smith
Try a DIY Marriage Retreat
A marriage retreat is a wonderful thing to do for your relationship, and summer is a great time to do one. While there are plenty of good options out there if you want to go on a formal marriage retreat, you can also plan a “DIY” retreat which can be far more convenient. All you need are an open mind and a little extra downtime, perhaps when the kids are visiting Grandma or busy with their own activities on vacation.
The goal of any marriage retreat is to bring you closer to each other. You’ll want to take an honest look at how your relationship is going, and come up with some ways to make it even better.
Here are the 5 general steps to follow for a DIY marriage retreat:
1. Set a date. Intentionally schedule some cozy time together – maybe a long date night or a weekend away. Then get to work on creating a mood that is relaxed and emotionally inviting, so the two of you will want to show up!
2. Get fully present. Remove all the distractions and get physically relaxed. Turn off the cell phones and other technology. Play music, take a walk together, or get a massage. Share a delicious meal and linger over dessert. Make eye contact, smile, and hold hands. Give each other the gift of your full attention.
3. Be curious. For your relationship to succeed, it helps for you and your partner to know each other really well — and we’re not just talking about clothing sizes or favorite foods. Without deeper knowledge of your spouse, it’s easy for misunderstandings and resentment to escalate. Although you may believe you already know everything there is to know about your husband, open your mind and see if you can take that learning to a deeper level by making that a major focus of your DIY marriage retreat. The key is to really listen, as if you didn’t know your partner at all.
Here are a few areas you can explore together:
- Your best and worst memories of childhood.
- What you emotionally needed as a child, but did not get.
- What your family taught you about conflict.
- What your family taught you about expressing emotions.
- What you family taught you about touch and sexuality.
- What your family taught you about money.
- What your family taught you about gender roles.
- How your cultural background affected your upbringing.
- How your family’s economic situation affected you.
- How your family structure affected you (i.e., single parent, step-family, adoptive family).
- Your greatest regrets in life.
- How you handle emotional pain.
- What you feel proud of in your life.
- Your dreams for your life.
- What makes you feel absolutely loved and cherished.
- Who has been most emotionally important to you in your life.
- What is currently causing you the most stress.
- What you need from the marriage, but are not getting.
- How you can support each other in achieving your personal goals.
If you run out of topics to discuss, here are a 36 more questions research has shown will build intimacy in relationships: http://bit.ly/1sCdUIz. Of course, you don’t have to get through every discussion area this time. Nurturing your intimate friendship is an ongoing conversation — the important thing is just to start talking and exploring.
4. Express positive feelings. Everyone needs to feel loved, appreciated and supported. Take time out to explicitly tell your spouse what he means to you and how much you appreciate his presence in your life. Be sure to also voice gratitude for the little and big things he does for you. Now let him take a turn. If you recall, research shows that the couples who have the most successful long-term relationships tend to also be the most emotionally warm with one another.
5. Take it all home. Once the retreat is over, apply what you’ve learned to make your marriage even stronger. Being present, curious, and appreciative on a regular basis will certainly improve the quality of your relationship as you move forward together.
100 Powerful Ways to Make Your Love Stronger
Enjoy 100 ways to make your love stronger from Strong Women, Strong Love: The Missing Manual for the Modern Marriage
How to Keep Passion Alive in Your Marriage
We associate June with weddings. If you know any couples walking down the aisle this month, you’ve probably noticed that they’re starry-eyed with passion. And, no doubt, they wouldn’t believe you if you told them they won’t always feel that way. There’s a romantic ideal that once you’ve found “the one,” you’ll share passion that burns brightly forever. But it’s normal for passion to wane over time, even as your partnership grows deeper in other ways.
Social psychologist Elaine Hatfield explains that there are actually two types of love. Passionate love is physical and emotional longing. It’s what you feel when you first fall in love. Companionate love is characterized by intimate friendship, but it’s less emotionally charged. It’s tough to maintain passionate and companionate love at the same time because these two types of love thrive in polar opposite conditions. Companionate love will typically emerge out of the intimacy and comfort of daily interaction, but passion thrives on surprise, distance, and novelty, which must be cultivated more deliberately if you’ve been together a long time. Although it’s virtually impossible to maintain a constant state of passion in your relationship, incorporate these specific habits to keep the spark of passion alive in your marriage:
- Put some more time into other relationships. When you spend time with other people you enjoy, you bring fresh energy back into your marriage and take the pressure off your spouse to meet all your needs. Giving your partner some breathing room helps him see you with fresh eyes.
- Get out of your routines. Try something new on your date nights, especially if it jolts your nervous system or gets your heart racing. Think seeing a scary movie or riding a motorcycle.
- Learn something new. Take a class or develop a new hobby. Besides making you happier, developing different aspects of your life makes you more intriguing to your partner.
I talk more about maintaining passion in marriage in my book Strong Women, Strong Love. I also recommend Esther Perel’s TED talk “The Secret to Desire in a Long-Term Relationship.”
Try out some of these tips in your marriage this week. You just might give those honeymooners a run for their money!
“My Husband Doesn’t Appreciate Me!”
Have you ever caught yourself saying, “My husband doesn’t appreciate me”? The desire for appreciation and validation is a natural one. We all want a relationship that makes us feel good about ourselves.
Research has shown that an atmosphere of warmth and appreciation is vital to the health of a marriage. Renowned marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman found that couples in long, happy marriages make a habit of noticing the positives. In fact, they typically make about 20 positive statements for every negative one during everyday conversations with their spouse. And even during times of conflict, that ratio of positive to negative is about five to one!
With appreciation being so important, you’re justified in complaining about your husband’s lack of it, right? Well, it’s natural to want appreciation, but waiting for your husband to get the ball rolling is likely to result in continued frustration. He probably doesn’t realize you’re feeling unappreciated. He may not fully grasp everything you do for the family or even why some of it is necessary.
As a woman, your focus may be on maintaining high standards for your home, parenting, and appearance because women are judged more harshly than men in these realms. Since the success and worth of a man is measured differently, your husband may be puzzled by why you’re working so hard and tell you, “Just don’t do it!” if you complain about exhaustion.
Rather than waiting for your husband to notice your contributions, a better strategy is to start showing more appreciation yourself, which will lead your husband to reciprocate. Since men are under pressure to be strong, capable, and confident, genuinely acknowledging these particular qualities may be especially meaningful. I get that this might feel unfair, but I urge you to try it out for a few days as an experiment. You may be surprised to find out that your husband has been feeling some of the same hunger for appreciation as you.
It’s common for husbands and wives to start to take each other for granted. But being deliberate about kindness and appreciation can protect your relationship from stagnation and resentment. Every day this week, make it a goal to notice three positive things about your partner and compliment him on them. Stick with this marriage-boosting habit, and you’ll notice the mood starting to change in your relationship.
