Today’s blog has marriage advice especially for busy couples — and which couples aren’t busy these days, right?
It’s easy to let the daily maintenance of your marriage take a backseat to all the other demands and obligations in your days. But it is possible to infuse your relationship with love and care even when your schedules are tight. Here are five quick, effective and research-backed ideas for building intimacy quickly.
Look into his eyes, not at your phone. Eye contact builds connection and helps your partner feel valued. Remember, though, that this has to be loving eye contact. No shooting daggers with your eyes! When you have four minutes, try more intense uninterrupted eye contact, like in this video, to deepen intimacy quickly:
Help when he’s stressed. Stress has a huge impact on our marriages. If your partner seems stressed out, ask what he needs from you. Maybe the answer will be unloading the dishwasher even if it’s not your night to or giving him a hug. Whatever the answer, just asking how you can help creates a sense of teamwork in your marriage.
Connect with texts. Texting is a busy couple’s best friend. You’re probably already in the habit of texting your husband when you get caught in a work meeting and need him to pick up the kids, or when you think of an errand that’s close to his office. But try sending a text when you don’t need something. Just let him know that you’re thinking about him. Make it as sweet – or as spicy – as you like. Creating a quick connection like this in your busy day helps maintain the health of your marriage.
Greet him warmly. We all have a need to be seen and heard by the people we love. It sounds simple, but just acknowledging him with a hug and warm smile when one of you gets home goes a long way toward making your time together emotionally positive.
Reach out through touch. Sometimes things are so busy that you don’t even have time to talk. Don’t forget the power of touch to help you and your husband connect. A quick, meaningful kiss, hug, or squeeze of the hand can convey deep caring. The more often you touch, even if it is brief, the closer you’ll feel to each other.
My book Strong Women, Strong Love has lots more marriage advice to help you keep your relationship healthy even when you’re tight on time. And I promise it’s a quick read!
Going through the in-vitro fertilization process can be a blessing for building your family, but a big stress on your marriage. As a psychologist, one of my areas of specialization is working with couples dealing with infertility. I’ve counseled many couples doing IVF and seen what helps and hurts their relationships. Here are some insights I’ve gained that can you help you take care of your marriage while you’re on your own IVF journey.
Different Coping Styles
Men and women often cope differently with the IVF process. One the most common relationship patterns couples fall into is the wife becoming extremely focused on the IVF process, while her husband, worried that he’ll add to her stress, pulls back. She wants to talk to him about IVF constantly because that’s what’s foremost on her mind. When he seems disinterested, she starts to feel alone and angry and wonders if he even cares.
Does he care? Clearly, he does, but his priority is often different from hers. It’s not at all unusual for the husband to be more concerned about his wife’s distress than whether or not they conceive. His primary goal is making sure she’s OK and happy. He thinks he’s protecting her from stress by not joining her in talking about IVF all the time. He’s most likely thinking,”She’s worried and crying all the time. I want a baby, too, but I want her to be OK more than anything else.”
It’s easy to misinterpret each other’s actions and to ascribe malicious intent when stress is high. In reality, each partner is just trying to cope — and each is having trouble understanding the way the other person is dealing with IVF. Sometimes guys don’t get that that talking about feelings can lead to a sense of release for women. And sometimes women don’t get that a guy still cares about her and the IVF process even if he doesn’t want to talk about it as much as she does. It helps if both partners can open up a little more about what works for them. For example, a wife could say: “I know I can get kind of intense sometimes when we talk about IVF, but it helps me feel calmer afterward.”
You’re Still Valued
Women dealing with infertility often feel inadequate because they feel their bodies have failed them. For some women, pregnancy and childbirth are so central to their identity as a woman, that they can’t imagine how a man could want to be with them if they can’t conceive. More times than not, men are the first to say that they love their wives and will be OK, with or without kids. Sometimes wives have trouble believing this and will need to hear this message repeated several times before it sinks in. But when a wife does fully take in this loving message — that her partner cherishes her and values her when she’s feeling flawed and broken — it’s very powerful.
Expanding the Options
Sometimes couples who are struggling during IVF need to consider other ways they could become parents, such as through surrogacy or adoption. Doing so can help ease some of the stress of the IVF process if you know that it’s not your only route to parenthood.
I’ve noticed that sometimes husbands may not get why it’s helpful to talk about other options while the couple is still doing IVF. Their mindset is more like, “We’re doing IVF right now, so let’s stay positive about that. Why should we plan for something we may not even need to do?” It’s important for a man to understand that talking about other options doesn’t mean his wife is giving up on IVF — it just gives her back some of the hope and sense of control she might be missing.
More Tips for Couples Going Through IVF
Take stress seriously. Did you know that stress levels of people dealing with infertility are comparable to those of people with cancer? Going through IVF is physically, emotionally and financially stressful. And couples are at risk of becoming isolated because family and friends don’t understand what they’re going through, especially their pain as others welcome children.
Pace yourself. Think of conceiving through IVF as a marathon, not a sprint. You may need to take a break sometimes, especially if your marriage is showing signs of wear and tear from the process.
Let yourself grieve. Feelings of loss are a normal part of infertility and IVF, and space needs to be created to deal with these emotions. Especially when you’ve had a loss, such as a miscarriage, it’s important to make sure you’ve absorbed this loss before soldiering on.
Stay connected. Check in frequently with each other about where you are as a couple. Make sure your marriage is still a priority. You don’t want to end with a baby and a damaged marriage.
Get information and support. I recommend RESOLVE.org, the website of the National Infertility Association. Another useful resource is the book Conquering Infertility by Alice D. Domar. Learning more about your situation can help you feel less alone and more “normal.” And If you are feeling extremely overwhelmed, please get professional support.
Finally, remember that while adversity can test your marriage, it can also bring you closer together. Remind yourselves to hold on tightly to each other while you’re going through IVF — and always.
I’ve been involved in organizing a workshop this month featuring Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading expert on self-compassion. If you’re in the San Antonio area, I invite you to join us in learning from Dr. Neff at this event on January 30. (See the end of this post for more information.)
For many years, we’ve heard that we should all try to increase our self-esteem by working on our insecurities and reminding ourselves of how special we are. Sounds great, right? Turns out, if you’re trying to feel better about yourself, this is not the best way to go about it. Instead of trying to convince yourself of your awesomeness, it’s much more effective to put your attention on the actual relationship you have with yourself.
The work of psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff tells us that many of us are way too hard on ourselves and need to treat ourselves with more self-compassion. When we do so, we’re healthier, more productive and feel more confident. We’re also more likely to be kinder to the people we love.
Self-compassion means doing the following things, especially when you are going through a hard time:
1. Being kind toward yourself.
2. Understanding that every human being experiences suffering and struggles with feeling inadequate.
3. Noticing your painful thoughts or feelings, without running from them or trying to squash them.
To see how self-compassionate you are, try this quiz on Dr. Neff’s website: http://bit.ly/1iYUVUH
The Trap of ‘Never Enough’
Many women get stuck in a harsh way of relating to themselves. In my book, Strong Women, Strong Love, I talk about all the demands on women today and how we expect ourselves to excel in all spheres. We aim for successful careers, passionate marriages and thriving children — not to mention a slender body, a lively social life and a perfectly decorated home.
Women often fall into the trap of judging themselves as never being good enough. It’s easy to get caught up in the idea that if we can just get that promotion, or remodel the kitchen or lose 5 more pounds, then things will be perfect. Then we will be worthy.
But the thing is, we never get there. There’s always a new benchmark to achieve or acquire. In reality, there’s no way we can realistically achieve all those high standards.
To put it mildly, this is a really stressful way to live. Dr. Neff says:
The great angst of modern life is this: no matter how hard we try, no matter how successful we are, no matter how good a parent, worker, or spouse we are – it’s never enough. There is always someone richer, thinner, smarter, or more powerful, someone that makes us feel small in comparison. Failure of any kind, large or small, is unacceptable. The result: therapist’s offices, pharmaceutical companies, and the self-help aisles of bookstores are besieged by people who feel they’re not okay as they are.
Dr. Neff’s advice is to practice self-compassion and treat yourself as you would a good friend, instead of relentlessly demanding that you “fix” everything that is wrong with you. She writes:
Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings — after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect.
Using Compassion to Improve Your Marriage
Relationship science is clear that kindness and generosity are two vital ingredients for making a relationship last. When you are gentle with yourself in all your humanness, you’re more likely to treat your spouse with that same consideration. And when you accept that getting frustrated or falling short sometimes is just part of being human (and not some fatal flaw of yours), you’re likely to extend that gentle worldview to others.
Research studies offers effective ways for relating to your spouse with more compassion:
1. Connect and show interest when your spouse makes an effort to engage you. If you’re in the middle of something, look up, make eye contact and acknowledge your husband for a little bit. Being kind means understanding the power you have to make your husband feel important or irrelevant and using that power to build him up. (Reference)
2. Stay calm and constructive when there is conflict. Stress takes a toll on us, physically and emotionally. And it takes a toll on our marriages. Feeling exhausted, anxious and inadequate doesn’t exactly set the stage for warm interactions with our partners. When you’re spent, it’s more likely you will flip your lid and hurt each other. Compassion helps you remember you’re not enemies and prevents you from hitting below the belt and damaging your relationship.
3. Respond to your partner’s good news with genuine enthusiasm. It’s not just important that you are sensitive when your husband is going through a hard time. Be kind and share his happiness when he has a “win,” and you’ll find the trust and closeness increasing. (Reference)
Choosing Compassion
You can learn much more about the practice of self-compassion and its benefits in Dr. Neff’s book Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourselfor by attend the upcoming workshop. Think about how you can embrace this gentler worldview this week.
Self-Compassion and Emotional Resilience: A Workshop by Dr. Kristin Neff
It’s a sign of the season, just as surely as decorations appearing or holiday music hitting the airwaves. As the holidays get closer, I start seeing more and more tense people in my psychology practice.
The “most wonderful time of the year” can also be the most stressful and exhausting time of the year, and couples often take out that stress on each other.
As you are planning your holiday shopping, travel and entertaining, I want to encourage you to also plan now how you are going to deal with the stress of the season and how you might create more peace and happiness for yourself. You probably already know what usually stresses you out this time of year. By making some different choices now, before all the holiday hubbub is in full swing, you can create a different experience for you and your family.
Do a check-in. What does having a wonderful holiday season truly mean to you? Take time to think about this now, before you are bombarded with advertisements and pressure from others. Talk about it with your husband and family too. You may find that while you’ve been worried about magazine-perfect decorating, that your family really just loves the same old decorations you put out every year, or that they remember your funny or sentimental gifts more than the expensive show-stoppers.
Be realistic about time. When the holiday season starts, we can set really high expectations for ourselves: We’ll cook everything from scratch! And use new healthy recipes! We’ll make crafty gifts like the ones on Pinterest! We’ll decorate like this magazine spread! And then there are all the parties and visits you want to fit in, and your kids’ holiday programs and … Is it starting to feel like you should quit your job to make all this happen? You can only work with the time you have, and as much as you stretch it, not everything is going to fit. What can you rule out now, based on what’s truly important to you during the holidays?
Involve your husband. It’s early November now, and I am betting that many of you reading this have already started your holiday prep and planning. Perhaps a few of you have even finished gift shopping! Now think about your husband. Holiday stuff may or may not be on his radar yet. If it’s not, don’t fall into the trap of taking care of everything before he even thinks of it. That’s a recipe for resentment! Take a little time to figure what needs to be done, and work together to get the stress level down. If you don’t treat him like your assistant or someone whose just getting in the way, the holiday season may actually bring you closer.
Deal with people as they really are. Maybe it’s because we love the stories of how Ebeneezer Scrooge and the Grinch changed their ways at Christmastime, but sometimes we expect the holiday season to work its magic on the difficult people in our lives. While you can always hold out hope that your own Grinches will change, think about how you can have a happy holiday season even if they don’t. How do you want to respond when they push your buttons?
Set some healthy limits. While your mother-in-law probably won’t stop being passive-aggressive and your brother won’t quit needling your husband about their political differences, what you can change is how much time you spend with them. If possible, stay at a hotel instead of the home of relatives who set you off so you can have some downtime.
Plan for self-care. One of the things that makes us stressed and snippy during the holidays is being out of our usual routines. We eat too much, drink too much and skip our workouts to go shopping. Before all the temptations start appearing, consider how you and your family can enjoy some indulgences, but maintain the healthy habits that will keep you feeling good physically and emotionally.
Change it up. Holiday traditions can feel set in stone, but you may find you need to switch up some old routines to make this a happier, less stressful time. Do you want to take a trip together as a family and avoid “making the rounds” of relatives’ houses? Can Thanksgiving be a potluck instead of you doing all the cooking? Do you want to work with your family to cut down on the number of gifts everyone has to buy? Let people know now so they can get used to your new plans.
Finally, when you catch yourself thinking that everyone else seems to be having a better holiday season, gently turn your mind away from these thoughts, focus on what is working and try to keep a sense of humor about the rest. Remember that there’s no such thing as a “perfect” holiday season, so relax and enjoy yours in all its wonderful imperfection.
As Halloween gets closer and we’re thinking about scary stuff, I want to let you in on your husband’s secret fears.
I’m not talking about zombies, vampires or other horror movie creatures. Or even everyday creepy-crawlies like spiders.
Here’s the twist: Some of the things that frighten your husband the most might be things you are actually doing.
Of course, you’re not trying to be scary. And you probably don’t see your husband expressing these fears. Guys get conditioned to appear strong and hide any sign of fear or vulnerability. But that doesn’t mean they’re not playing out in other ways in your marriage — for example, if your husband starts to seem withdrawn or distant.
Let’s talk a little more about some of men’s most common fears in relationships and how you can help dispel them.
1. He’s afraid he can’t make you happy.
Men feel great when they can make their wives happy; it’s often how they measure their success as a husband. If your guy is making an effort to please you, but you tend to complain, criticize, or act lukewarm, don’t be surprised if his motivation eventually fizzles. If he sees you constantly down in the dumps and doesn’t know how he can change that, he may end up thinking he’s simply the wrong man for you, and then back off.
How to calm this fear: Assume that your husband cares about your happiness. When he does something to lift you up, let him know it! If he’s making an effort and simply missing the mark, be kind and clue him in on what would work better. There are some romantic but misguided, notions floating around in our culture that if he’s “the one,” he’ll “just know” how to make you happy. He may be fabulous, but I doubt he can read your mind! So, go ahead and tell him what you’d like to do for Valentine’s Day, what helps when you’re upset, even what feels good in bed. He’ll be grateful. And amid the daily stresses of life, don’t forget to flash him a smile now and then.
2. He’s scared that he’s useless. We women have so many more options available to us in our lives. Some of us are the primary breadwinners of the family. Others are choosing to be single parents. Marriage and involvement with men are becoming real choices. It’s not unusual to hear even married women openly say that they “don’t need” a man. As you can imagine, that attitude can do a number on a guy’s self-esteem. Men are still being judged by their ability to take care of the women in their lives. So, it sounds corny, but your husband really wants to be your hero sometime, to have you look you look at him with love and admiration because he brings some significant value to your life.
How to calm this fear: There is no need to suppress your competence or independence as a woman. However, please do remember to create room for your husband to feel effective too. Ask for his help, not because you’re a damsel in distress, but because no one should have to take care of everything by themselves! Let him know that he is of value in the relationship by noticing and appreciating what he provides, whether it’s financial support, practical help, or a shoulder to lean on: “Thanks for cooking dinner today. It really took some pressure off me.” Remember that a healthy relationship has room for both of you to need and depend on each other.
3. He’s terrified of being humiliated. Vulnerability is not something most men allow themselves to experience frequently. A central code of manhood is that a real man must appear strong at all times. You may want your husband to lower his defenses with you, but this may be really scary for him. After all, there is a real risk that if he opens up, you could hurt him.
How to calm this fear: Be extremely disciplined when your husband is exposing his softer side, recognizing that you have tremendous power to hurt him. Men are a lot more sensitive to criticism, disappointment, and rejection than you might imagine. Never insinuate that he is weak, especially when he is emotionally exposed. Otherwise, he may close the door to emotional intimacy permanently. Be respectful, kind, and affirming when your husband takes the risk to let you see parts of himself he seldom shares with anyone else. And then, watch the love and trust grow!
4. He’s worried that he’s not important to you. After being married for a while, you may start to take your husband for granted. Because you assume he’s not going anywhere, he may fall lower down on your priority list and he may truly get less attention. Men worry that they’ll fall off the radar for you after you have kids. And the thing is, they’re often right. I see this happen frequently in relationships. When you understand that for a man, their spouse is often one of very few people with whom he is emotionally close, it’s easier to understand why he may be upset with having less of your time and attention.
How to calm this fear: Make time for each other. In the early days of your relationship, it was easy to feel close. That love and passion don’t have to die now that you’re an established couple with a more demanding schedule. You just have to deliberately commit to making your relationship a clear priority. Remember that strengthening your bond is the best thing you can do for your family. So rather than just saying, “Of course you’re important to me,” go ahead and show it by scheduling some time just for the two of you regularly.
5. He fears being smothered. The opposite extreme — when you don’t have a life outside of your relationship — is pretty scary to men too. No one wants to be the center of another person’s world. It’s exhausting and way too intense!
How to calm this fear: Give your guy a little more space by focusing on yourself and the other important things in your life more often. It sounds counterintuitive, but when you both take time to cultivate yourselves, it will draw you closer together.
Remember, it’s never sustainable for either of you to be driven by fear in your relationship. Want to learn more about your husband’s perspective and what’s behind his actions? Check out my book Strong Women, Strong Love. When you subscribe to the mailing list, you’ll get incredibly useful insights into the male mind with the free report: “10 Easy Ways to Get Him to Listen.”
Be honest: Has the holiday weekend left you refreshed, or are you exhausted right now?
The Labor Day holiday seems like an appropriate time to take a closer look at how much women work, how tired it’s making us, and the effect of all this “laboring” on our marriages and families.
Let’s start with a few important facts that provide clues about why you may be finding yourself so tired these days:
–Data from a CDC survey shows that women actually do report feeling exhausted more often than men do. The difference is most pronounced in the years that most of us are raising families.
–Women’s financial responsibilities in the family have increased significantly in recent years. According to the Pew Research Center, in 40% of the households that have children under 18, mothers are the primary or sole breadwinners.
–Although men are certainly doing more domestic chores than in the past, the Bureau of Labor and Statistics reports that working women are still carrying more of the housework burden.
–This probably won’t surprise you, either: A study published in the American Sociological Review, found that women multitask more than men, spending 40% of their waking hours doing at least two activities at once. Most of the juggling is with household tasks and childcare, two areas in which women are often judged by others if they don’t do them well.
–A study by the University of New Hampshire found that when kids were sick, 74% of mothers missed work to stay home with their sick child compared to 40% of men. Many families find that demands made by employers make it difficult to fulfill other important responsibilities, thereby constantly increasing work stress (and exhaustion).
All of this takes its toll on our relationships. We get snappy and impatient with our kids, and it’s hard to have emotional or physical intimacy with our partners when we’re so tired and stressed (See blogpost on “The Science of Flipping Your Lid”).
Speaking with the Washington Postabout the topic of exhaustion, author and researcher Brene Brown notes that fear can be a barrier to fighting constant overwhelm. People in her studies have told her: “If I really stopped and let myself relax, I would crater. Because the truth is I’m exhausted, I’m disconnected from my partner, I don’t feel super connected to my kids right now.”
If you see a lot of yourself in this statement, consider these ideas for dealing with exhaustion:
1. Remember you’re not alone. First, it’s important to realize that it isn’t “just you.” Economic realities are having a huge impact on life for American families. Brene Brown reminds us that we’re also up against cultural norms that tie our self-worth to our productivity and make being constantly busy and exhausted a status symbol of sorts.
2. Do one thing at a time when you can. Make every effort to curb multitasking. Although it may seem like you’re getting more done, did you know multitasking actually reduces productivity? Not only that, it’s mentally and physically exhausting!
3. Stop saying, “yes.” Although some reasons for our busyness and exhaustion can’t be avoided, others can. As women, our default answer when someone asks us to do something tends to be “yes.” We don’t want to disappoint anyone, but we’re much more effective, and happier, when we set stronger boundaries. Limit how much you have on your plate, and you’ll have more time and energy for the people and things you love.
4. Choose you. Everyone needs time to refuel. Take time to rest, play, and do things that energize you. Taking time for you is not being “lazy;” it’s absolutely essential to your health and well-being.
5. Work together. Finally, and most importantly, work together with your partner. Instead of stewing about what your husband isn’t doing, ask for more help with housework and child care. And don’t stop him and take over when he doesn’t do things exactly your way. (See blog posts on micromanaging) Instead of trying to divide all your household tasks 50-50, look for ways to share responsibilities that play to your individual strengths. If he loves cooking and you love Quicken, for example, let him handle meal duty while you take care of your finances. All of this takes negotiation, of course, but it’s worth the effort. With all of the overwhelming demands on our families, you’ll both feel a lot better facing them as a team.
So in honor of this Labor Day weekend, make a vow to labor less, and to rest, play, and reconnect with your husband and kids much more.
