100 Powerful Ways to Make Your Love Stronger
Enjoy 100 ways to make your love stronger from Strong Women, Strong Love: The Missing Manual for the Modern Marriage
Does Your Marriage Need More Independence?
This Independence Day, I encourage you to think about your own independence within your marriage. I’ve seen a lack of independence hurt many relationships. Sometimes women get caught in the trap of being too focused on their husband after marriage. Our husbands fall in love with our vibrant individuality, but then are surprised when we start making everything about them.
What drives a person to be overly focused on their partner in a marriage?
- Insecurity. If you have a weak sense of self, odds are that you feel insecure and cling to your husband to make sure you don’t lose him. Unfortunately, excessive closeness can feel suffocating, so your husband may do the very thing you’re afraid of–pull away from you.
- Niceness. Many women also believe they must be nice and nurturing at all times, so they are constantly looking for what their husband needs. You may have the misconception that if you don’t completely take care of your husband, he will think of you’re selfish and become dissatisfied in the relationship. Be warned: If you are too nice and never take care of yourself, your husband may start to take you for granted, and this is an inevitable recipe for resentment.
- Need for approval. Another common fear is that if he doesn’t approve of your choices, he will become disinterested. So you may give up what you like to wear, the things you like to do, and the types of foods you like to eat in order to please him. Unfortunately, the more you twist yourself like a pretzel to get his approval, the more needy and boring you appear to him.
Independence doesn’t mean that you don’t think of your husband at all. (Behaving that way would create a whole other kind of relationship problem!) It’s good to care about him and want him to have his needs met. However, it’s also appropriate to consider your own needs and expect your partner to support you in meeting them.
Your relationship will be healthier and happier when you both have a secure sense of self, trust one another, and can move between independence and closeness in your relationship. If your own sense of self is feeling a little shaky, try to ease up some on your focus on others. Get back in touch with who you are and what you like to do. Give some of that care and validation you lavish on others back to yourself.
It sounds counterintuitive, but pulling back a bit to take care of you will actually bring your partner closer. My book Strong Women, Strong Love has more ideas for nurturing yourself and your relationship.
Happy July Fourth, and enjoy your independence!
Don’t Lose Yourself to Motherhood
Many women dream all their lives of motherhood. And there’s no doubt about it, the bond with your child is one of the strongest you will have with anyone. But along with the joys of children come additional pressures that can make life more intense and stressful.
According to research, marital satisfaction takes its biggest nosedive after the birth of the first child. That’s mostly because couples have so little time to spend with each other because they are so busy juggling other competing demands such as work pressures, kids’ activities, and housework.
It’s so easy to lose yourself to motherhood — to become disconnected from yourself and your other passions. When time and help are limited, you are often choosing between your own needs and that of your husband and kids. Making sure your needs are somewhere in the mix is vital — even when it’s hard. Otherwise, both your well-being and your marriage are at risk.
Here are three ideas for taking care of both:
1. Slow down the pace in your household to one that feels more sane. Limit kids’ outside activities. What your children need most is to be seen and understood by you, not a constant flurry of classes, team practices or club meetings.
2. Take time just for you. At first, that may simply be the luxury of showering without someone knocking on the bathroom door! Eventually move toward regular time dedicated to yourself. Yes, your spouse will need to step up to help you take this time, but you can certainly return the favor.
3. Make regular time with your husband. A happy marriage protects the health of everyone in the household, so carve out some time to enjoy with your husband.
Taking care of yourself makes you a better mom and wife. Make sure it’s part of your Mother’s Day celebration!
Five Mental Roadblocks That Stop You from Working on Your Marriage
I’ve been practicing as a psychologist for almost 20 years now and can’t help but notice that a few mental roadblocks typically stop people from working on a struggling marriage. Today, I want to highlight a few of these mental barriers in hopes that you’ll move them out of the way, and take action to improve your relationship.
ROADBLOCK ONE: If we really love each other, we don’t need to work on our marriage. Marriage problems are not always about a lack of love in the relationship. Sometimes people who love each other deeply still end up divorced. The reality is that marriage these days is confusing! It’s not your imagination: Both the stress we are under and the huge expectations we have of marriage take a heavy toll on our relationships. Unfortunately, it can be a dangerous thing to leave your relationship to chance. Be sure to deliberately focus on your marriage from time to time, remembering that love is important, but may not be enough. When problems do crop up in your relationship, make it a priority to deal with them.
ROADBLOCK TWO: There’s something really wrong with us if we need help with our marriage. I tell my clients frequently that it’s the smartest and strongest people who seek help. Needing a hand with your relationship does not mean you are weak. In fact, because seeking help can make you feel vulnerable, you could say it takes courage to actually take this step. As someone who regularly gets to take a peek “behind the scene” of many relationships, I want to reassure you that even though it may seem like everyone else “has it all figured out,” it’s simply not true!
ROADBLOCK THREE: If our relationship hasn’t gotten better by now, what’s the point? Even when a marriage is not working, partners often keep doing what they’ve always done, simply out of habit. Change is hard, especially if you are clinging to old routines or don’t know which direction you are going. When you clearly understand exactly what helps and hurts a marriage, seeing new, more effective, behaviors quickly produce different results can jump-start change.
ROADBLOCK FOUR: Men and women are different, so we’ll never “get” each other. Contrary to popular opinion, men and women are not from different planets! We are all human, and need similar conditions to open up, including trust, acceptance, kindness, respect and open-mindedness. Don’t let stereotypes about men and women get in the way of your trying to connect as human beings.
ROADBLOCK FIVE: If we just work harder, we can eventually have the perfect life together. In my practice, I see a big gap between what my clients think they should be able to accomplish and what they can actually achieve. Most work incredibly hard chasing their dreams, but fail to notice that seeking perfection breeds so much stress that it ultimately undermines their marriage. Being busy makes it very hard to deal with any problems in the relationship. There is no such thing as perfect. The best anyone one of us can ever hope for is “good enough.”
