You’re so controlling!
Can you just get off my back?
If your husband has ever hurled words like these at you during an argument, you no doubt remember their sting. But besides feeling hurt, you were probably also confused. Me? Controlling? Where’s he coming up with this?
This
conflict can cause real damage in your relationship if it continues unchecked.
Today, I want to help you get to the root of the issue and to suggest some
shifts that both you and your husband
can make to strengthen your marriage.
Are You Really Controlling?
If your husband has told you that you’re controlling, you’re far from alone. This is one of the most common points of tension in marriages. But I don’t believe that most wives are out there secretly scheming to find new ways to boss their husbands around.
What’s actually happening? As you know firsthand, we women have a lot on our plates. In addition to going to work, women still spend more time on household chores and childcare than men do. And then there’s the emotional labor that goes along with having a family, which also disproportionately falls on women.
With
so much going on, we have to be very good at getting things done. To keep all
the balls we’re juggling in the air, we’re relentlessly focused and efficient.
Why He Thinks You’re Too Controlling
Here’s
where issues of control come in. When you’re driving so hard to check off all
the things on your list, sometimes it can feel like your husband is slowing you
down or getting in your way. So you end up doing things like this:
Telling him how to do a
task “right.”
Jumping in and taking
over if he’s doing it “wrong” or taking too long.
Constantly reminding him
about something you asked him to do because you’re worried he’ll forget.
You know that you’re just trying to get everything done because you care about your family. But he’s taking away a very different message from your behavior. If he complains that you are too controlling, he isn’t just saying that he feels micromanaged. The deeper meaning behind his words is that he doesn’t think you trust him or respect him which makes him feel demoralized and unmotivated.
Again,
I know these aren’t the messages you’re trying to communicate to him. But
they’re the ones he’s taking away.
Step Back So He Can Step
Up
Your
marriage doesn’t have to stay stuck in this destructive pattern, though. Here’s
how to change the dynamic between you and your husband.
As we’ve discussed, the
behaviors that he perceives as controlling are probably happening because you
have too much to do and you feel stressed and overwhelmed. That means it’s time
for an open and honest discussion about household responsibilities — chores,
childcare, emotional labor — and how the two of you can divide things more
equitably.
Once you agree that a
task or responsibility is his to manage, back
off. Don’t jump in and sideline him, even when you know that you would do a
better job. Yes, taking over might be easier right now, but giving him some
space to grow is better for you both in the long run. He might make some
mistakes, but he’ll grow from them.
Remember “the friend test.” Our spouses are so close to us that sometimes we take them for granted and don’t show them the same respect and consideration we would show a friend. When you’re tempted to tell your husband how to do something, or to jump in and start doing it for him, ask yourself whether you would behave the same way with a dear friend.
Persist Through Discomfort
Shifts like these may feel uncomfortable at first because things will take longer to get done, and they might not be done according to your high standards. But I believe the closeness you’ll gain in your marriage more than makes up for any efficiency you lose. He’ll feel less controlled, you’ll feel less burdened, and you’ll both enjoy a more collaborative partnership that gives you more freedom and flexibility.
For more marriage tips like the ones in this article, pick up copy of my book Strong Women, Strong Love. In it, you’ll find many more strategies for maintaining a strong relationship amid our busy, stressful lives.
Don’t forget to subscribe to receive new blog posts HERE and get a free report, “10 Easy Ways to Get Him to Listen.”
You’ve met some friends for a glass of wine. Or you’re grabbing a coffee with your best girlfriends at work. Or maybe you’re huddled with some other moms on the sidelines of your kids’ soccer game. And then it starts: gossip about your husbands.
Does This Sound Familiar?
He’s STILL so helpless around the house. It’s like having another kid!
I asked him to pick up
the gift for his mom, and he forgot — of course! He’s just useless.
He’s let himself go so
much. We’re way beyond “dad bod” here. It’s killing my sex drive!
You’re
amused and even titillated at this look into your friends’ marriages. And you
can definitely empathize with some of the things they’re going through. In
fact, you’ve got a couple of stories about things your husband has done lately.
You know they’ll understand where you’re coming from. What’s the harm in a
little venting?
Actually, there can be a lot of harm in gossiping about your husband. Here a few things to consider the next time you feel like dishing with your friends.
Is This Really ‘Joking’?
Sometimes there’s a fine line between poking some gentle fun at your husband’s quirks and talking about him contemptuously. You’re probably not doing any harm by sharing a couple of anecdotes about how obsessed he gets with work. However, if you start saying things like “I swear, he knows more about what’s going on with his coworkers than his own kids,” that’s a sign of some serious bitterness behind your jokes.
Would He Be OK With
This? Would You?
How
would your husband feel if he knew what you were sharing with your friends?
Would he laugh at himself, or would he feel that you had betrayed his trust?
And here’s something else to think about: How would you feel if you knew he was gossiping with his friends over an embarrassing mistake you had made? Or if he was complaining to them about your low libido?
If
there’s even a small possibility that he would consider what you’re about to
say a betrayal, then just don’t say it.
Are You Avoiding Taking
Action About Something?
If you’re having a problem in your marriage, gossiping about your husband with friends probably makes you feel better in the moment. However, if your husband has no idea there is a problem, nothing can change. Does he have any idea how you’re feeling? If not, consider talking to him directly, rather than venting to others.
Is Your Listener
Trustworthy?
I do understand that there will be situations in your marriage when you can’t talk to your husband. For example, you may need to get your own thoughts sorted out first or want some advice about how to approach him. In those cases, make sure the person you are confiding in is someone you can trust completely.
Your marriage needs an environment of respect and emotional safety. What you say in one careless moment can instantly undermine that environment. That’s why I urge you to tread very carefully whenever a conversation turns to gossip about your husbands. Take a minute to think through the consequences of sharing information about him, always choosing to protect the trust you have built together over the years.
For more advice about creating a healthy and respectful marriage, pick up copy of my book Strong Women, Strong Love.
Don’t forget to subscribe to receive new blog posts HERE and get a free report, “10 Easy Ways to Get Him to Listen.”
We live in politically divisive times. And those
divisions even find their way into our marriages.
According to one study, 29 percent of Americans who were either married or in a relationship said today’s political climate causes tension with their partner.
If you and your husband disagree politically,
you might feel like you’re trapped in one of those cable news shows where
ideological rivals just keep shouting over each other. Or you might be
simmering silently, aghast and puzzled at his opinions.
Either way, your diverging beliefs may be creating distance between you. And that can lead to deeper problems if you don’t find a way to manage your differences.
Argue the
Right Way
You can still have a successful marriage if the two of you argue over politics sometimes. Political conflicts become a problem only if you handle them in ways that are detrimental to your marriage. It’s especially important to never show contempt for each other when you’re disagreeing over politics — or anything else, for that matter. Contempt is one of the biggest red flags that your relationship is in trouble.
Instead, handle political disagreements in your
marriage the same way you would other types of conflict: with respect and love.
That means:
Don’t bring up points of political disagreement when you are
tired, irritated or feel like you can’t control yourself — or when you can tell
that your husband is experiencing one of those states.
Pause, hold hands and make eye contact when you’re disagreeing.
When you are in touch with the humanity of your partner, you’ll be less likely
to say things you will regret later.
If things get too heated, take a timeout so you can both get to a
calmer place.
Balance
Conflict With Positivity
You can counteract some of the damage that political conflicts in your marriage cause by actively making an effort to remember all that is positive about your partner and your marriage. I’ve written before about how John Gottman discovered that spouses in successful marriages share more positive interactions than negative ones—a lot more. Happy, long-married couples have 20 positive interactions for every negative one. Even when they’re in conflict, their ratio is still five positives for every negative.
That’s something to keep in mind if politics are
a source of negativity in your marriage. When the two of you are regularly
kind, respectful and appreciative with each other, political conflicts will be
easier to navigate.
Try
Reducing Your Overall Stress
If political differences with your husband are
pushing your buttons more than usual lately, remember that your marriage is
being affected by outside forces. In other words, your problems aren’t solely
caused by issues between the two of you.
First, it’s not your imagination that the overall political climate has grown more polarized and divisive. The society that we live in always has some influence on our relationships. And, in this case, that impact is turning up the heat around political differences we might have glossed over in the past.
Then there’s everyday stress. In a 2018 survey by the American Psychiatric Association, about 40 percent of Americans said they had grown more anxious in the past year. When we’re more stressed, we tend to magnify the negative traits we see in our partners. So, as an experiment, try focusing on reducing your stress and see if that affects how you feel about your political differences.
Set Some
Boundaries
It’s
perfectly fine if the two of you just decide to agree to disagree about
politics and not discuss the issues that get you heated.
That’s what’s working for one of the couples in a New York Times article about partners with opposing political beliefs:
The next morning (after
the 2016 election), with tears in my eyes, I told Nisim we were going to have
to get divorced because I could not live with him for the next four years. He
said, “Honey, we’re not going to get divorced. We’re just not going to talk
about politics for the next four years.”
Get Curious and Listen
For other couples, though, it can be beneficial to try to better understand each other’s beliefs. We tend to assume an awful lot about other people, even our spouses, based on how they vote. But just because someone supports a political party or official on one stance, doesn’t mean that they wholeheartedly embrace everything in that party or official’s agenda. Having the courage to get curious and to listen deeply can help you get past any assumptions you are holding about each other’s political opinions. It can also help you decide whether your spouse’s beliefs are ones you simply dislike or whether they violate your deep values (in which case the issues with your marriage probably go beyond the scope of this article).
Remember That Facts
Don’t Change Minds
Right now, you might be thinking, “That’s
great and all. But it would be even greater if he could just change his mind
and agree with me politically!”
Well, that might be wishful thinking. But if you do think there’s some potential for your husband to move closer to you politically, I recommend reading law professor Ozan Varol’s essay “Facts Don’t Change People’s Minds. Here’s What Does.”
Varol writes that facts don’t sway our opinions
because “we tend to undervalue evidence that contradicts our beliefs and
overvalue evidence that confirms them. We filter out inconvenient truths and arguments
on the opposing side.”
The article also explores how no one likes to
admit they were wrong. And sometimes people just dig in harder when we try to
convince them of the error of their political ways.
It’s more effective, Varol says, to give the
other person an out that lets them save face.
Finally, I want to leave you with a quote from the minister Joseph Fort Newton: “People are lonely because they build walls, instead of bridges.” I hope this article inspires you to build a bridge over the political differences between you, rather than a wall, especially if other parts of your marriage are going well.
Have you
ever opened an exchange with your husband by using phrases like these?
“You never
take the trash out!”
“Nice of
you to join us finally!”
“Can we
talk about why you were being such a jerk to our friends?”
“It’s your
fault she was late to school this morning. Why are you so irresponsible?”
“You need
to tell me when you’re going to get your act together.”
The ensuing conversation didn’t go well, did it? Pioneering marriage researcher John Gottman calls statements like the ones above “harsh startups.” You can also think of them as “emotional bombs.” When you lob one, you’re going to provoke your spouse to either retreat or return fire. Either way, you’re not going to resolve your conflict.
You’ll reach a more constructive solution if
you can avoid initiating a discussion with a surprise attack of criticism and
sarcasm. But, as you know, sometimes those words slip out of your mouth before
you know what has happened. And even though you might be speaking
thoughtlessly, emotional bombs can still do lasting damage.
Stressed,
Busy and Harsh
It was probably very obvious to you even before
you read this article that harsh startups aren’t an effective way to initiate a
conversation. So why do we keep engaging in them?
You’ll be more prone to throwing emotional bombs at your husband when you’re under a lot of stress. And with the busy schedules of today’s families, that seems like most of the time, right? Unfortunately, when stress goes up, self-awareness goes down. We become more easily provoked and worse at tuning into what’s going on with other people. When we’re overwhelmed with emotion, we get so wrapped up in our own stuff that we can dehumanize others and say harsh things.
Emotional
Bombs Destroy Safety
Maybe you’re wondering what the big deal is
about harsh startups. We all get crabby when we’re stressed, right? And he
knows you don’t mean it, doesn’t he?
Well hopefully he didn’t take your comments personally, but it’s also possible you inflicted real emotional pain. And our brains process emotional and physical pain in very similar ways. So, in a very real sense, your husband feels attacked when you unleash emotional bombs. Whether he reacts by retaliating or withdrawing, the atmosphere of safety that your relationship needs begins to erode, and the two of you grow farther apart.
How to Hold
Your Fire
Banishing harsh startups from your marriage is one of the best things you can do for the health of your relationship. That may all sound well and good right now, but the important thing is remembering this advice the next time you’re stressed and feel like lashing out as your husband.
To give yourself a better chance of holding your fire, see if there are ways to remove some pressure and stress from your life. Are there things you feel like you’re “supposed to” do or have that you could let go of so that you aren’t so overwhelmed? Easing up your expectations can also give you more time to care for yourself. When you rest more, practice healthier habits and nurture yourself, you’ll be less reactive to stress.
Finally, I know this isn’t easy, but remind yourself to pause when you’re in a situation that triggers you to drop emotional bombs and try to choose a different response. Not coincidentally, research shows that people in healthy relationships have brains that are good at controlling emotions.
Even if harsh startups are a longtime habit for you, you can start practicing a new approach today. My book Strong Women, Strong Love has more ideas for maintaining a happy marriage even amid our stressful lives.
Back before Thanksgiving, you gave yourself an ultimatum: I’m just going to get through the holidays, and then I’m telling him it’s over. Now here we are in the new year, and it’s your moment of truth. You have to make the final call: Should you leave your husband?
This is one of the most wrenching decisions a woman can face. As you consider ending your marriage, know that you’re far from alone. Women are thought to initiate between 70 percent and 80 percent of divorces.
Some of those marriages, of course, are irretrievably broken. Others, though, could be saved. Without counseling you in person, I can’t know which category your own marriage falls into. But what can I do is give you some final questions to consider before you leave so that you can be at peace with your decision, whatever it turns out to be.
Did You Ask For What You Need?
I’m not talking about complaining. That’s all too common among women in unhappy relationships. And at some point, husbands just check out and stop hearing them. What works instead is speaking up clearly and kindly for what you need. Maybe that means negotiating a shift in the domestic workload. Or it could mean learning to be more clear about what you expect from your husband.
Did You Address the Serious Issues?
If you are leaving your husband because his addiction, abuse or mental impairment, have the two of you sought help for these specific issues? If you haven’t, is he willing to? (Please, please keep your own safety front and center as you consider this question.)
What Have You Learned?
Whether you decide to leave your husband or stay and work on your marriage, it’s important to understand what went wrong in your relationship, and the role that both of you have played in creating the current situation. It may seem like everything is all his fault, but most relationships are more complex than that. Working to better understand yourself, your husband and how you relate to each other could save your marriage. But even if you go through with leaving your husband, you still need to do this difficult inner work. If you don’t, you could be setting yourself up for another failed relationship.
Your answers to these questions might affirm that divorce is right choice for you, or they could encourage you to give your marriage another shot. If you opt to stay for now, I encourage you to seek relationship counseling. You and your husband can also use the practical strategies in my book Strong Women, Strong Loveto start to repair your relationship.
If you were able to enjoy a more leisurely pace this summer, it’s probably becoming a distant memory now that September is here. If you have kids, you’ve taken care of back-to-school shopping. Now you’re filling the calendar with the kids’ school events and other activities while trying to keep the household running and juggling everyone’s packed schedules.
And you’re probably doing most of this on your own, right?
Researchers have long noted that women still spend more time on household chores and childcare than men do (although men are doing better than they did in the past). But there’s another aspect of inequality in domestic responsibilities that’s starting to come to the forefront. And that’s the idea of mental load.
What Is Mental Load?
Mental load encompasses all the planning, scheduling, strategizing and anticipating that go into managing your home and family. It’s all the information you routinely keep track of: your kids’ teachers, best friends and clothing sizes — and on and on. It’s the running list of errands or home projects you keep in your head.
Women carry a higher mental load than men do. Being the only person who knows what needs to be done is extra work for you — even if your husband happily helps with household tasks when you ask.
You might see a lot of yourself and your husband in “You Should’ve Asked,” a comic about the mental load by an artist known as Emma.
“When a man expects his partner to ask him to do things, he’s viewing her as the manager of household chores,” Emma writes. Being the household manager and organizer, she adds, is basically a full-time job.
Part of women’s mental load is also thinking more about the “big picture” than their male partners often do. Did you cringe at the scene in the comic where the woman asks her husband to take the baby’s bottle out of the dishwasher? He does — but leaves the rest of the clean dishes inside.
How to Share the Mental Load
Shouldering the majority of your household’s mental load over the long term is a recipe for resentment that will ultimately damage your marriage.
So how can you and your husband redistribute the mental load differently?
First, it’s always best to talk about the situation openly. He may notice that you’re stressed but not understand that this stress is related to your mental load — which means that he doesn’t know what needs to change. And if you’ve been dropping hints, it’s not a very effective way to communicate.
We all go into marriage with our own “scripts” about how things should be. Those scripts are shaped by the families we grew up with and by the culture as a whole. It’s easy to think that our script is the same as everyone else’s, but that isn’t the case. For example, your husband might assume that the way his parents’ marriage worked is just the way that all marriages work.
Remember, though, that inequities in how the two of you handle your family’s mental load could also stem from your script. As women, we grow up hearing lots of messages about how we should tirelessly devote ourselves to the needs of others.
Compare your scripts so that you can understand and empathize with where the other person is coming from. Once you’ve opened the conversation, the next step is working together to negotiate who is fully responsible for managing various tasks. Maybe that means he takes over planning meals and making the grocery list while you cook. Perhaps he takes the lead with your daughter’s gymnastics lessons while you manage her school activities. It doesn’t matter how you distribute the work. What’s important is that it feels fair to both of you.
If particular tasks need to be done by a certain time, identify the time frame so both of you have the same expectations. If one of you is better at a task, go ahead and play to your strengths and let that person be responsible for it. Same thing if you care more about a particular area — you should be the one in charge of it.
As more of the mental load shifts to your husband, you may find yourself having difficulty letting go. You will have to grapple with your own perfectionism or anxiety about not being in charge. If you find yourself micromanaging tasks that you both agreed he would manage, he’s likely to get upset with you.
You have to trust your husband and give him space to figure out his own system for managing his responsibilities. After all, he is an adult. He may not do things in the same way you do, or do them to your standards. But it’s healthier to redefine your definition of “good enough” than to continue to carry your whole family’s mental load.
Talking about mental load with your husband and working together on changes might not be easy. But it will improve your marriage and help you set a better example for your kids. If you’d like more practical advice on balancing marriage, family and career, you’ll enjoy my book Strong Women, Strong Love.
