by Strong Women Strong Love | Sep 8, 2015 | Poisonous Patterns |
Our minds are wonderfully efficient. But that can get us into trouble sometimes.
Here’s what I mean: Your brain can’t possibly process every little piece of information that comes in through your senses. It has to do lots of filtering to keep from getting overloaded.
That filtering can skew your view of the world sometimes. For example, if you’re feeling resentful toward your husband, you may overlook the positive things he does because your brain is looking for information consistent with your negative view of him.
“Outsmarting” your brain so that you notice more positives is vital to your marriage. Researcher John Gottman studies the differences between those he calls the Masters of Marriage (couples who have been married for a long time and still like each other) vs. the Disasters of Marriage (those headed for divorce).
How many positive interactions do you think the Masters have with their spouse for every negative one? Two? Five? Not even close. The Masters of Marriage have 20 — 20! — positive interactions for every negative one. Even when they’re in conflict, their ratio is still five positives for every negative. That’s higher than the normal ratio for the Disasters group whose typical ratio is 0.8 positives for every negative.
What this translates into for the Masters is a relationship that is emotionally warm and loving vs. the icy, tense marriage created when there is too much negativity. Great marriages thrive on positivity.
Are You ‘Overdrawn’?
You can think of the positivity and negativity in your marriage as an emotional bank account, Gottman says. If you make regular deposits of positivity, you establish an “emergency fund” for the difficult times.
If your emotional bank account balance is “in the red,” I encourage you to get very deliberate about filling the coffers. The management guru Peter Drucker once said, “If you can’t measure it, you can’t manage it.” That’s true of a lot of things. Dieters are more successful losing weight if they keep a food diary. And most financial experts suggest using a written budget to help you save money or get out of debt. I recommend trying a similar strategy to improve you marriage.
Try this experiment: For a week, record all the positive and negative interactions between you and your husband. Notice when you make deposits in your relationship’s emotional bank account. These can include:
- An attitude of generosity
- Compliments
- Acts of kindness
- Encouraging words
- Apologizing
Also notice when you withdraw from your emotional bank account with negativity. Withdrawals can include:
- An attitude of entitlement
- Hurtful words
- Rejection
- Callousness about your partner’s needs
When you start keeping track of your interactions, you may be surprised at how much negativity has sneaked into your relationship. Look for ways to add more deposits of positivity. If you are having trouble being genuinely positive toward your husband right now, at least try to reduce your withdrawals from your relationship’s emotional bank account, as that will also improve your bottom line. You can find lots more ideas for increasing positivity and reducing negativity in your marriage in my book Strong Women, Strong Love.
by Strong Women Strong Love | Jul 14, 2015 | Poisonous Patterns |
Are you tackling some projects around the house this summer?
That’s great. Just make sure that fixing up your husband isn’t one of them.
Treating your spouse like an endless fixer-upper project is one of the most dangerous things you can do to your marriage. But It’s all too easy to fall into the trap of thinking you can change him to meet your ideal. Women are under a lot of pressure to be “perfect” in all ways. And we tend to transfer those expectations, and the stress that goes along with them, to our relationships with our husbands.
In marriage, each partner needs to be seen and accepted as is. Treating your husband as a project tells him he’s not okay. Constant correction — of the way he does the laundry, talks to the kids, dresses for work, acts at a party, you name it — will eventually push him away. He may seem compliant to your wishes on the outside, but could end up feeling resentful and suffocated inside. In the worst case scenario, he ends up feeling rejected, an especially painful experience for anyone.
It’s fine to inspire each other to continue growing. Love truly can bring out our best. But before you push your spouse to change, ask yourself these important questions:
1. Is this a deal breaker? Be clear about the types of things you cannot tolerate in your relationship (i.e., addiction to drugs or alcohol, disrespect, etc.), and then directly request that your husband change those. He may agree to change, or he may not. If he refuses to work on altering something you can’t tolerate, then you have important decisions to make about the future of your relationship.
2. How realistic am I being? Ask yourself, “Is it realistic to expect my quiet, reserved husband to become really social?” Everyone has a range of qualities, some of which you will love, and others that may drive you crazy. It’s not wise to attempt to change your husband’s core personality, unless you feel like banging your head up against a brick wall! Acceptance is the key here. Don’t ask your partner to twist themselves into a pretzel in order to be with you.
3. What is the message my husband is getting? Will that make him feel more or less confident? More or less valued? Want to get close to me or push further away? If you are constantly pointing out what your husband needs to change, it will ultimately take a toll on how he feels about himself. Remember to minimize criticism because it is one of the things that can unravel the marital bond. People usually pull away from people who make them feel bad about themselves.
4. Who actually needs to change? If you have a tendency toward perfectionism, be careful to keep that in check. When you judge yourself harshly and don’t embrace your own vulnerabilities, it’s easy to be critical of your partner, too. You may need to ease up on yourself in order to ease up on him. True acceptance will make both of you stronger, which is ultimately great for your relationship.
5. Can I let go if this change doesn’t happen? Because you’re married to an adult, they have the right to say, “no” to requests you make. In long-term relationships, it’s important to let go of wishes that are not going to come true. Otherwise, resentment can build ever so quickly. If you’ve asked for a change that is not a deal breaker for you and change is not happening, work on wholeheartedly accepting things as they are and letting go.
When you are realistic about the changes you would like, negotiate respectfully for them, and accept what you cannot change, you may find that your husband seems like less of a “project.” And you can save your fixer-upper impulses for your home improvement projects!
by Strong Women Strong Love | May 21, 2015 | Passionate Partnership, Poisonous Patterns, Videos |
Infidelity is the ultimate betrayal. But does it have to be? Relationship therapist Esther Perel examines why people cheat, and unpacks why affairs are so traumatic: because they threaten our emotional security. In infidelity, she sees something unexpected — an expression of longing and loss. A must-watch for anyone who has ever cheated or been cheated on, or who simply wants a new framework for understanding relationships.
by Strong Women Strong Love | May 15, 2015 | In the News, Poisonous Patterns |
Shame is having a moment right now.
You’ve probably seen posts in your social media feeds about parents shaming their misbehaving kids or cheating spouses being publicly shamed. Even dogs are getting shamed for their misdeeds!
I admit it: Those dog-shaming posts do crack me up. But otherwise this trend toward shaming is a cruel one that’s dangerous to our relationships.
It doesn’t take a viral social media post to hurt someone with shame, either. Have you ever criticized your husband while the two of you were with your kids, with friends and family or out in public?
Why Shame Hurts
Shame erodes the very things that are essential to the health of your marriage. Relationships need respect to thrive. Dr. John Gottman has done extensive research on what leads marriages to fail. He identified what he calls “the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” in marriage. Shaming summons two of the Horsemen: criticism and contempt. Contempt, which is at the heart of shaming, is Gottman’s No. 1 predictor of divorce.
When you shame your spouse, you are robbing him of his dignity and taking away his sense of safety in the marriage. A shamed person feels rejected, which is profoundly painful to us as humans — it even activates the same parts of our brains that get triggered when we feel physical pain.
Make it a priority to preserve dignity and respect in your relationship. Distinguish private conversations from public ones. As you keep shaming out of your marriage, I also want to encourage you not to share or like social media posts that shame others. If you haven’t already, watch the powerful TED Talk by Monica Lewinsky (someone who knows firsthand the pain of shaming) about our “culture of humiliation.” Is that really the kind of culture we want to participate in creating? Take a stand against it by communicating with empathy and respect, both in your marriage and online.
by Strong Women Strong Love | May 1, 2015 | Poisonous Patterns, Quotes |
In the 26 years she was married to her husband, Mike Nichols, Diane Sawyer learned plenty of lessons about love, relationships and marriage — but there’s only one she calls “genius.” Before Nichols passed away from a heart attack late last year, Sawyer appeared on “Oprah’s Master Class” and opened up about some of the best marriage advice she’d ever heard.
Sawyer doesn’t like to make sweeping statements about the sole recipe for a good marriage — because “every marriage is a foreign land,” she says — but the veteran journalist does believe that the marriage advice she learned on the job years ago can truly bolster even the strongest relationships.
“I learned something great on one of the stories I did,” she says. “Someone said to me… ‘A criticism is just a really bad way of making a request. So why don’t you just make the request? Why don’t you just say, Could we work out this thing that makes me feel this way?‘”
This simple statement had quite the impact on Sawyer. “I thought, ‘That’s genius!'” she says.
Continue reading and watch video at http://huff.to/1EeGoun
by Strong Women Strong Love | Apr 13, 2015 | Poisonous Patterns |
You would never (I hope!) physically abuse your partner. But have you ever felt self-righteous about giving your husband “the silent treatment?” Or pushed off his arms and looked at him like he’s crazy for trying to hug you while you were stirring a pot on the stove?
We need to take behavior like this in our marriages more seriously. Researchers are starting to find that our brains experience physical and emotional pain much the same way.
Getting rejected activates the same areas of our brain that get triggered when we feel physical pain.
Now consider all the ways that rejection can creep into a relationship. Of course, emotional or physical infidelity is one of the most painful forms of rejection, but smaller slights hurt too:
- Shutting out your partner by not sharing or not bringing your true self into the relationship.
- Rejecting physical affection from your partner or not giving affection yourself.
- Criticizing or even showing contempt for your partner.
- Retreating into your work or your kids’ lives to avoid your partner.
- Micro-managing or making your partner feel incompetent.
You might think of these as petty misbehaviors in a marriage: Not great, certainly, but not at the level of abandoning or cheating on a partner. What I want you to take away from this post is that these behaviors aren’t as benign as you might think. They cause real hurt on a level we hadn’t realized before.
Let this knowledge give you extra motivation to create an atmosphere of mutual respect and kindness in your marriage. My book Strong Women, Strong Love can help you change hurtful habits that are eroding your marriage. Remember that harming each other emotionally is no more acceptable than causing each other physical pain.
