I’m going to give you some marriage advice that seems counterintuitive, but I promise it’s not an April Fool’s Day prank.
Here it is: If there’s something you want or want more of in your marriage, don’t chase after it intensely. The things that we tend to do instinctively when we’re trying to get something from our partners are often what keep us from getting what we want. Here are a few examples of what I’m talking about:
Love me like you used to. Let’s say you feel like intimacy in your marriage is going downhill. You decide to deal with this head on and have numerous discussions with your husband about how you feel like he doesn’t love you as much anymore. You disclose how lonely you feel in the relationship and give him numerous examples of ways he’s becoming more distant. You push him to change and hope that having this detailed conversation will motivate him to come emotionally closer. Instead, he gets defensive and shuts down.
Do your fair share. Or, perhaps you’re overwhelmed and exhausted managing all the responsibilities at home. You repeatedly let your husband know that he really needs to help more around the house. It’s unfair that he doesn’t do his part. He never unloads the dishwasher. He won’t pick up after himself. He rarely takes the baby to daycare and doesn’t stay up with her if she wakes up at night. You really need him to start pulling his own weight, so you give him feedback about the changes that need to take place. Instead of jumping in to do his fair share, your husband storms off, mad that you think he’s such a “loser.”
Do it this way. One final example. Let’s assume you’re very responsible and always pay the bills as soon as they arrive. Your husband just makes sure they are in by the due date. You always end up paying the bills because you think it’s important to take care of them before you forget. After a while, you start to feel resentful and tell your husband it’s not fair that you’re stuck handling the bills every month. You insist he take over this job and try to show him a foolproof system you’ve developed to track all bills. You even offer to work together the first month so he can understand how you do things. He tells you to stop controlling him and refuses to even look at the bills.
In each of these scenarios, there is a legitimate problem that needs to be addressed. The woman’s approach is to be open, direct, and persistent with her husband, making sure he clearly knows her feelings. You should let your husband know when something is bothering you, even if he doesn’t want to hear it, right?
Yes, but not necessarily in the way you think.
Dealing with problems that cause resentment is absolutely critical to the long-term health of your marriage, but your approach matters tremendously too. If you’re trying to motivate your husband with an intense, “you’re not going to ignore this anymore” approach, it may backfire, especially if there’s a tone of blame. Make sure you’re not unintentionally communicating that he’s not good enough, otherwise he’ll feel attacked. If you don’t anticipate how your message will be received, communication may shut down rather than open up. Instead of getting closer, the two of you may drift further apart. Don’t sweep real problems under the rug, but be aware of how your husband may react to what you say.
Rather than chasing your husband down with complaints and demands, increase the odds of getting what you need by using these strategies instead:
Change yourself. Relationships are a dance and it does take two to tango. If you change your steps, your partner will have to change his as well. So, take a look at how you may be contributing to the problems that exist. Are you taking on too much responsibility? Maybe you should back off and give your husband a real chance to step up more than he currently does. Do you insist on things being done your way? Perhaps you need to practice letting things go. What can you do to get things moving in a healthier direction?
Be constructive. Rather than criticizing or blaming him, tell your husband how you’re feeling and what you need from him. Try something like: “I’m so overwhelmed by work and all the things that have to get done around the house. I feel on edge all the time and I hate feeling this way. Could we please work together to get the level of stress down? For example, I’m thinking it would be helpful if we could take turns being responsible for dinner.”
Value him. If your husband does not feel valued while being given feedback, he will resist any efforts at change. All of us are much more likely to be cooperative when we feel respected and affirmed.
Backing off on chasing is of greater importance than you may realize. In technical terms, the pattern in which one spouse wants to confront the issue and the other withdraws from such a discussion is the pursuer/distancer pattern. E. Mavis Hetherington’s landmark study of 1,400 divorced individuals found that couples who routinely related this way had the highest risk of ending up divorced. For the sake of your marriage, it’s really important to change this pattern if it’s showing up in your marriage repeatedly.
Any time it feels like you are intensely chasing something in your relationship, it’s a sign that something is out of whack — and that you’re not on the right path to fix it. Try doing the opposite of what comes naturally, and you’ll often find yourself closer to where you need to be. When you feel like telling him off, calm down and approach him gently. If you’re frustrated that he can’t see what you need, ask him for help. If you find yourself wanting to convince him that your way is best, back off and leave room for his way. Although stopping your knee-jerk response can feel unnatural, it is how you make real changes in a relationship.
If you think you fall into the pursuer/distancer pattern and want to learn more, I recommend the book The Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Lerner. You can also learn more effective strategies for getting what you want in your relationship in my own book Strong Women, Strong Love. Just remember that chasing is always a fool’s game.
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Great article by Thomas G. Fiffer, Executive Editor of GoodMenProject.com, an awesome website for strong men. Pay close attention to his warnings about the dangers of working on your relationship without a clear road map.
Most of us try hard in our intimate relationships. We work at them. We want our partners to be happy and the benefits that come with that. And when we’ve found something—and someone—good, we don’t want to lose it and have to start over. So we soldier on. We struggle on the uphills, hoping to rest on the next plateau. We muddle through the dark periods until, often inexplicably, the light shines again. And we pat ourselves on the back for trying so hard, while often silently resenting our partner for not trying hard enough, for not meeting us at least halfway. “If only he or she would … ” At least, that’s the way we see it; that’s the narrative we convince ourselves is truth. But what’s really happening is something different. What’s really happening is we’re the ones fucking up. Consider this:
Most relationships don’t suffer and break down from lack of effort; they suffer and break down from misdirected effort.
Most relationships don’t disintegrate from either partner’s bad intentions; they disintegrate from good intentions that bring bad outcomes.
And most relationships don’t end because the partners have grown apart; they end because one or both partners perceives the distance between them as insurmountable.
I’ve been involved in organizing a workshop this month featuring Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading expert on self-compassion. If you’re in the San Antonio area, I invite you to join us in learning from Dr. Neff at this event on January 30. (See the end of this post for more information.)
For many years, we’ve heard that we should all try to increase our self-esteem by working on our insecurities and reminding ourselves of how special we are. Sounds great, right? Turns out, if you’re trying to feel better about yourself, this is not the best way to go about it. Instead of trying to convince yourself of your awesomeness, it’s much more effective to put your attention on the actual relationship you have with yourself.
The work of psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff tells us that many of us are way too hard on ourselves and need to treat ourselves with more self-compassion. When we do so, we’re healthier, more productive and feel more confident. We’re also more likely to be kinder to the people we love.
Self-compassion means doing the following things, especially when you are going through a hard time:
1. Being kind toward yourself.
2. Understanding that every human being experiences suffering and struggles with feeling inadequate.
3. Noticing your painful thoughts or feelings, without running from them or trying to squash them.
To see how self-compassionate you are, try this quiz on Dr. Neff’s website: http://bit.ly/1iYUVUH
The Trap of ‘Never Enough’
Many women get stuck in a harsh way of relating to themselves. In my book, Strong Women, Strong Love, I talk about all the demands on women today and how we expect ourselves to excel in all spheres. We aim for successful careers, passionate marriages and thriving children — not to mention a slender body, a lively social life and a perfectly decorated home.
Women often fall into the trap of judging themselves as never being good enough. It’s easy to get caught up in the idea that if we can just get that promotion, or remodel the kitchen or lose 5 more pounds, then things will be perfect. Then we will be worthy.
But the thing is, we never get there. There’s always a new benchmark to achieve or acquire. In reality, there’s no way we can realistically achieve all those high standards.
To put it mildly, this is a really stressful way to live. Dr. Neff says:
The great angst of modern life is this: no matter how hard we try, no matter how successful we are, no matter how good a parent, worker, or spouse we are – it’s never enough. There is always someone richer, thinner, smarter, or more powerful, someone that makes us feel small in comparison. Failure of any kind, large or small, is unacceptable. The result: therapist’s offices, pharmaceutical companies, and the self-help aisles of bookstores are besieged by people who feel they’re not okay as they are.
Dr. Neff’s advice is to practice self-compassion and treat yourself as you would a good friend, instead of relentlessly demanding that you “fix” everything that is wrong with you. She writes:
Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings — after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect.
Using Compassion to Improve Your Marriage
Relationship science is clear that kindness and generosity are two vital ingredients for making a relationship last. When you are gentle with yourself in all your humanness, you’re more likely to treat your spouse with that same consideration. And when you accept that getting frustrated or falling short sometimes is just part of being human (and not some fatal flaw of yours), you’re likely to extend that gentle worldview to others.
Research studies offers effective ways for relating to your spouse with more compassion:
1. Connect and show interest when your spouse makes an effort to engage you. If you’re in the middle of something, look up, make eye contact and acknowledge your husband for a little bit. Being kind means understanding the power you have to make your husband feel important or irrelevant and using that power to build him up. (Reference)
2. Stay calm and constructive when there is conflict. Stress takes a toll on us, physically and emotionally. And it takes a toll on our marriages. Feeling exhausted, anxious and inadequate doesn’t exactly set the stage for warm interactions with our partners. When you’re spent, it’s more likely you will flip your lid and hurt each other. Compassion helps you remember you’re not enemies and prevents you from hitting below the belt and damaging your relationship.
3. Respond to your partner’s good news with genuine enthusiasm. It’s not just important that you are sensitive when your husband is going through a hard time. Be kind and share his happiness when he has a “win,” and you’ll find the trust and closeness increasing. (Reference)
Choosing Compassion
You can learn much more about the practice of self-compassion and its benefits in Dr. Neff’s book Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourselfor by attend the upcoming workshop. Think about how you can embrace this gentler worldview this week.
Self-Compassion and Emotional Resilience: A Workshop by Dr. Kristin Neff
An interesting new study confirms something you perhaps knew intuitively. The findings? When someone forgives and stays with a cheating spouse, we tend to think less of that person, especially if he or she is in a leadership role.
I think there’s definitely a societal expectation to dump a spouse who is caught cheating. Just look at how many more popular songs there are about taking revenge on philanderers vs. taking them back!
At the root of that expectation might be some self-righteousness. People tend to think that an affair would never happen in their marriage. But I can tell you as a psychologist that affairs happen to all types of couples, and that some people who have affairs are the last people you’d ever suspect. Affairs don’t just happen to serial philanderers or die-hard cheaters. They happen to people who love their spouses, care about their marriages and never intended to cheat.
We’re all vulnerable sometimes in our marriages. Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring, a leading expert on the topic of affairs, confirms that there are often external stressors preceding an affair, such as the birth of a child, career success, or job loss. In our busy lives, meeting each other’s needs takes work. And sometimes opportunity lines up with unmet needs and disconnection in a way that leads to an affair.
Infidelity brings pain and distrust to a relationship, but if both partners still care about the marriage and each other, it doesn’t automatically mean the end of the relationship. (Again, we’re not talking about serial philanderers here — that’s a bigger problem and a very different situation than the average affair.)
How does healing happen? First, the partner who cheated has to be transparent. He must be willing to admit what he has done and acknowledge the hurt it caused. This process goes a lot deeper than just saying “I’m sorry, now let’s move on.”
The unfaithful partner also has to be willing to help the hurt spouse heal. She must answer questions, be with the partner through the considerable pain that comes after an affair and do what she can to help her spouse trust her again. This process can be lengthy and very emotionally difficult.
As scary as it may be, the hurt spouse has to be open to the repair attempts of their partner. Although there is a natural tendency to want to make your spouse “pay” for what they’ve done, in the long run doing so sabotages your attempts to heal. Opening your heart to your partner knowing there’s some risk of being hurt again can be terribly frightening, but if your partner seems genuinely remorseful, know that taking these risks is a critical part of the healing process.
At some point, it’s important for both parties to see if there is anything that made their relationship vulnerable to the affair. Infidelity can be a indication that something else was going wrong in the relationship. According to relationships expert Dr. Sue Johnson, affairs often take root when partners are disconnected or feel unappreciated.
Even though the trust in the marriage has been heavily compromised, the wronged spouse can’t constantly play watchdog. Although shattered trust may never be fully repaired, it doesn’t mean you can’t rebuild a strong, emotionally-close relationship. I’ve seen some clients’ relationships become healthier in many ways after an affair because it forced them to finally deal with their issues.
I wish I could tell you that the path back from infidelity is an easier one, but, contrary to what popular opinion tells us, there is a path there.
Dr. John Gottman, Dr. Julie Gottman, & Dr. Daniel Siegel
Do you remember the last time you “flipped your lid”? Or experienced it when your spouse did?
“Flipping your lid” is psychiatrist Dr. Daniel Siegel’s term for what happens when stress shuts down part of your brain. Marital researcher Dr. John Gottman calls it “emotional flooding.” You may have described it other ways: “I tried to talk to him, but it was like he’d lost his mind.” “I was so freaked out, I just couldn’t listen.”
Did you know that when you (or your partner) feel like this, it’s actually because of a hardwired response that is activated when you feel physically or emotionally threatened?
The hand model
During The Siegel-Gottman Summit I attended last month in Seattle, Siegel explained the brain science behind “flipping your lid.” To help us understand what goes on in our brains when we “flip,” he demonstrated a hand model of the brain which you can see in the following video:
As he shows in the video, when our stress levels get too high, we’re exhausted, or we feel threatened, the primitive area of the brain geared toward survival hijacks the part of that brain that reasons, plans and makes good decisions. When you flip out, you are essentially turning on the body’s “fight or flight” response and are much more likely to behave in ways that infuriate or alienate your partner.
It’s important to remember that your partner can’t just turn off or snap out of this response. It’s also vital to understand that when your partner flips his lid, he’s not showing you his “true colors” or some side of his personality he had kept hidden. He’s just showing you that, in this particular moment, his brain is temporarily overwhelmed.
What stops working when we flip our lids?
We can’t process information.
Because we’re not really hearing what the other person is saying, we don’t have empathy.
We get defensive and have difficulty being open
We get “stuck in our story” — we keep repeating our position.
We get tunnel vision
We can’t effectively solve problems
Factors that increase the odds of flipping your lid
Being hungry, tired, under pressure or chronically stressed sets us up to flip our lids. That sounds a lot like a typical day in our busy, modern lives, doesn’t it? Our brains also feel very threatened when we’re on the receiving end of criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling. Gottman calls these negative behaviors “The Four Horsemen” because their chronic presence often predicts the end of a relationship. When you are flooded by overwhelming negativity from your spouse, you’re much more likely to flip out.
What helps
If you find yourself flipping your lid during an argument with your spouse, the most helpful thing you both can do is stand down for a while. You need at least 20 minutes for your nervous system to calm down so that you can be responsive to the other person. It may take longer, especially if you keep talking to yourself negatively even after you’ve stepped back from the tense situation. To keep from stewing, practice a calming activity like taking a walk or doing breathing exercises. When you’re ready, re-engage gently with your partner. Use a soft tone of voice, gentle touch and kind eye contact. But if either of you is still overwhelmed, back off again and practice more self-soothing.
It’s interesting to note that men get flooded (to use Gottman’s term) more easily and stay flooded longer. So if your partner tends to shut down and withdraw, this could be what’s going on. You may feel like chasing after your husband when he distances to try to get him to re-engage — after all, it seems like dismissive behavior if you don’t know the brain science behind it. But it’s actually better to let him pull back for a while until his brain can reset.
Preventing flip-outs
The right self-care habits can keep our brains running in a calmer state and make us less likely to flip our lids. Regularly practicing meditation, guided imagery or deep breathing literally changes how our brains are wired. Learning the early warning signals that either you or your husband are headed for flip out helps too. When you see that either one of you is getting overwhelmed, practice an ounce of prevention by dialing down the level of stress and keeping things as calm as possible.
More from the conference
Another fascinating topic that Siegel discussed was the adolescent brain and what we can learn from it about our own brain health. Read more on the main website for my practice.
When the people we love or with whom we have a deep connection stop caring, stop paying attention, stop investing and fighting for the relationship, trust begins to slip away and hurt starts seeping in. Disengagement triggers shame and our greatest fears—the fears of being abandoned, unworthy, and unlovable. What can make this covert betrayal so much more dangerous than something like a lie or an affair is that we can’t point to the source of our pain—there’s no event, no obvious evidence of brokenness. It can feel crazy-making.
