100 Powerful Ways to Make Your Love Stronger
Enjoy 100 ways to make your love stronger from Strong Women, Strong Love: The Missing Manual for the Modern Marriage
Spring Cleaning Your Relationship
Are you doing some spring cleaning at home? While you’re in that mindset, why not also clear out some bad relationship habits? When you toss what’s not working, your relationship will feel more pleasant and full of possibility.
Consider ridding your relationship of the following damaging habits, and try out some new ways of relating:
1. Micromanaging. When your husband loads the dishwasher, do you redo it because he loaded it “the wrong way? ” If he said he would plan the activities for your upcoming trip, do you constantly check to see whether he’s actually done so, or offer suggestions on how he could do it better? Although you may not realize it, micromanaging sends the message that you don’t trust your husband or believe he is competent. He feels insulted, which is why he seems touchy or flies off the handle when you make “helpful” comments.
Try this new habit: If your husband is handling a job, stay out of it. The dishes will probably turn out just fine, even if he doesn’t load the washer your way. And, your husband will definitely feel better about taking on other jobs in the future if he is not constantly being “supervised” on-the-job.
2. Uncontrolled expression of feelings. No doubt about it: Authenticity is vital to intimacy in your relationship. But constant, intense expression of feelings, without any filtering, can overwhelm your husband. For some of us, it feels good to get it all out with a tirade or a good cry over our daily frustrations. But if your husband is always on the other end of your venting, he may feel as if he is getting pummeled. You know you’re just blowing off steam, but he may assume the situation that has you upset is worse than it actually is.
Try this new habit: Have empathy for your husband, and consider how your venting affects him. If he’s not someone who is comfortable with intense emotion, let him know you’re just venting or tap friends and family for emotional support instead.
3. Communicating indirectly. Do you simmer in resentment when you’re upset with your husband? Perhaps, you show your displeasure by being sarcastic, giving him the silent treatment or slamming doors, hoping he’ll get the hint and ask you what’s wrong. In all likelihood, you’re seething, and he’s genuinely confused about what’s going on.
Try this new habit: Be direct. You may think it’s impossible for him NOT to know you’re upset and why, but that’s a dangerous assumption. Your husband really might not be deciphering your message clearly, so practice being transparent about what you need. Of course, always communicate in a way that shows compassion and respect, without resorting to blame.
4. Focusing on the task, not the person. It’s easy to get awfully single-minded when there’s something that needs to get done. Because you are so close to him, with your husband, it’s easy to forget common courtesy, and just start issuing directives: “Don’t forget to go by the drugstore! Check on the kids while I finish this!” To your husband, this behavior can feel dismissive, or like he’s your subordinate, not your partner. Even if men don’t react outwardly to this kind of behavior, they often feel resentful and may emotionally detach from you.
Try this new habit: Remember the basics of being kind: “Please,” “Thank you,” “Do you have time to …?” Manners and thoughtfulness shouldn’t disappear just because you’re married!
5. Having an endless “honey-do” list. Does this sound familiar? You tell your husband it would make you happy if he cleaned the garage. Then, after he gets done with the garage, you throw in, “Oh, and could you also do one more thing?” After that, you make your next request. If there’s no pause for gratitude and acknowledgement, your husband may start to feel that he will never be successful at making you happy because you are always focused on what is not right. Of course, your intention is to simply get everything on your list done, so it may surprise you when his enthusiasm starts to wane.
Try this new habit: Be intentional about pointing out the positive, and let your husband know how his accomplishments make you happy. Pause to notice what’s he’s done before putting your head down and moving onto the next thing.
If you know someone really well, it’s easy to take them for granted and to assume you know them like the back of your hand. Commit yourself to bringing the two of you closer by trying out some simple new habits, and watch your love bloom!
When Trust is Betrayed
Learn how to cope when trust is betrayed.
Strong Women Mistake #2: Brutal Honesty
You should be brutally honest with your husband, right? You should tell him exactly what you think and feel so he always knows where you stand, right? And, if the truth hurts a little, that’s just life, right?
Wrong. Sort of.
Hmm…where do I start? Well, let’s take a look a the words “brutal” and “honesty.” Brutal and honesty should never be paired together in a relationship. In fact, neither brutality, nor any other type of aggression, have any place in a relationship whatsoever…unless you are actively seeking a way to make your partner distance emotionally, withhold affection, and distrust you.
When you are angry at your partner, you are more vulnerable to unknowingly slipping into more aggressive communication. What is aggressive to one person may not seem that way to another. For example, you may hope to work through problems by giving your husband a list of all the complaints you have of him. You truly hope this feedback will provide him sufficient information to change the course of his behavior. He, on the other hand, may experience this communication as an emotional assault aimed at telling him that he is ultimately a failure in her eyes. Ouch!
Honesty is important in a relationship because it is vital to building trust, resolving problems, and clearing the air. However, it is critical to always pair honesty with qualities such as sensitivity, gentleness, compassion, and grace.
Contrary to popular thought, the truth does not have to hurt. Even when what you have to say may be tough for your partner to hear, if you have the sensitivity to wrap the message in some kindness and respect, your husband will not be wounded and may even appreciate your words.
To make sure that your honesty is something that will strengthen your marriage, ask yourself the following questions before letting the words slip out of your mouth:
- Is what I am about to share intended to make our relationship better?
- If I were on the receiving end, would I be able to hear the message without being deeply hurt?
- Especially when you are angry, ask yourself: “Am I being honest, or am I just being mean?” Answer truthfully to yourself.
- If you are revealing something that you know will be difficult for your spouse to hear, ask yourself: “How will my husband benefit from what I am about to tell him?” Be sure the benefits outweigh the potential emotional strain.
- Is this the best time for me to be honest, or do I need to wait? The timing of your message can make a big difference.
So, go head and tell the truth if it seems important, but make sure you do so in a kind and respectful way, always bearing in mind the potential impact of your words on your partner and the marriage.
Strong Women Mistake #1: Micromanaging Your Spouse
Have you ever been micromanaged by a parent, boss, teacher…or your spouse? If so, you know what it feels like…they’ve asked you to do something, but while you’re working on it, you’re being constantly monitored and judged to see if you are doing the work correctly and fast enough! Did having someone breathing down your neck motivate you or make you resentful of being controlled?
Now, be honest. Do you routinely micromanage your spouse? For example:
- Do you ask your husband to do something, and then follow up to make sure he has started and is doing things right?
- Do you ever “assign a task” and then hover over him, giving him all sorts of “helpful suggestions?”
- Do you get mad and redo work your husband already completed because it doesn’t meet your standards, and you know you can do it better?
- Do you have trouble relaxing and staying out of the way when your husband is in charge of taking care of something?
- Do you feel like you can’t trust your husband and must follow up on everything he does because he’s not very detail oriented?
The ability to actively control details may sometimes be useful when managing people, projects, and deadlines at work. However, you must be careful not to emasculate your husband by attempting to micromanage his every move at home.
If you don’t watch this behavior, chances are he will feel:
- You don’t trust him
- Disrespected
- You think he’s stupid
- Resentful
- Unmotivated to do his best
End result: he’s turned off from you and is less likely to help!
If you are seeking a true partnership with your spouse, respect and boundaries are critical. Here are a few tips to stop micromanaging behavior in its tracks:
- If it’s not yours, don’t touch it. If your husband is working on something, remove yourself physically and mentally from the task. Work on your own tasks and leave him alone to complete his as he likes.
- Remember there’s more than one way to do something. People have different approaches they bring to the same situation. Be flexible. It’s not the end of the world if he didn’t do it your way.
- Turn negatives into positives. When you feel like criticizing, intruding, or giving a “helpful hint,” breathe and either walk away or say something encouraging. You have to catch destructive behavior in its tracks before it hurts your marriage.
- Relax! if you can truly break the micromanaging habit, your spouse will probably become more confident and competent, allowing both of you to truly share the numerous household and childcare tasks that present themselves on a daily basis.
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What NOT to Do if You Want to Avoid Divorce
It is vital to know what behaviors to stop if you want to keep your marriage strong. Here’s a great article by Dr. Renay Bradley in the Huffington Post that summarizes the behaviors research reveals are most likely to result in a couple getting divorced:
The Top Five Signs You May be Headed for Divorce
If you’ve ever been married or in a committed relationship, you likely know that marriage is not always bliss. Unfortunately, many of us have grown up thinking that, someday, we’ll marry our “Prince Charming” or “Cinderella” and live happily ever after. That’s the way it’s supposed to be, isn’t it? As a Family Psychologist and Director of Research and Programming at the Relationship Research Institute (a non-profit founded by Dr. John Gottman, dedicated to strengthening relationships through research)–also known as the “Love Lab”–I’ve seen my fair share of people who share this fantasy. Unfortunately, this fairytale ideal may have sadly given many of us somewhat unrealistic expectations when it comes to relationships. Luckily, Dr. John Gottman and his team at the Love Lab have spent the last 35+ years studying couples; this work has given us a more realistic understanding of what happy versus dysfunctional relationships look like.
Continue reading at http://www.huffingtonpost.com/renay-p-cleary-bradley/the-top-five-signs-that-y_b_833824.html
