If you’re reading this, you’re probably going through, or fearing that you’re about to go through, one of the scariest things that can happen in a marriage: Your husband wants to separate.
It’s hard to pinpoint exact numbers on how many couples go through a separation, but research suggests one in four U.S. couples will legally separate in the first six years after getting married.
It’s perfectly normal to feel lost and panicky when the other person says, “I need some time away.”
But you’ll have a better chance of saving your marriage if you can avoid acting from a place of fear. If your husband wants to separate, your first reaction might be to tearfully beg and plead for him to stay. Sadly, when we try so hard to pull another person back to us, it often only makes them want to leave more. This all ties back to something we talked about in a previous blog post: that when we chase after something in a relationship, we often end up driving away the very thing we want.
If your husband is saying he wants to leave, it’s helpful to deal with him from a more confident place. Now, I’m not talking about screaming “FINE! Get out!” and expecting your husband to change his mind. Instead, you want your message to be more like this: “If you want to leave, I can’t stop you. I’m still committed to this marriage and would like for you to stay so we can figure out what happened and fix it. But you’re an adult, and I know I can’t tie you here.” If he insists on moving out, ask if your husband would be willing to seek professional help. You want to make sure separation has a clear purpose and doesn’t just cause you to drift further apart because you’re living completely separate lives.
If your husband does actually leave the house, don’t pressure him to come back. Allow him to experience the reality of what divorce from you would mean. If you have children, let him fully care for them when they are staying with him. Be supportive of his visits with the kids, but don’t become a doormat to get him back. Give him space to understand your importance in his life. It’s possible he’s not interested in reconciliation and will eventually want a divorce. It’s also possible that if he truly experiences a separation, he’ll eventually start missing you and the life you have built together.
When there is talk of separation, it is really important that you take a good look in the mirror. It’s possible you’ve done some things that have really hurt your marriage. You may be guilty of constantly criticizing your husband, neglecting him, or having an affair. Take responsibility for any part you’ve played in creating your marriage problems, and stop adding to the hurt. If your marriage has any chance of survival, you both have to be honest about what’s not working, and fix it. Use this opportunity to grow and become the kind of person you would want to be married to. Being calm, confident, and considerate will get you much further than groveling if you hope to save your marriage..
I wish that I could give you some guarantee that if you follow these tips, your husband will stay in the marriage, but there simply isn’t one. About 5 percent of couples reconcile after a separation. Ten to 15 percent remain separated long-term without divorcing. If your husband does return, he’s more likely to genuinely want to work on the relationship.
You’re going through a lot right now, and my heart goes out to you. Even thought it’s really hard to accept that your marriage is at risk of failing, let your husband’s talk about separation serve as a wake up call. Do your best to listen deeply to his concerns, and sincerely offer to work to improve your relationship. Like I said, sometimes a person has already decided they want to divorce, and there is little you can do. However, if your husband is on the fence about ending the relationship, how you respond could be a deciding factor in whether your marriage survives.
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Recently my husband asked for a separation. We have been delegated for a month now. This has been the most difficult time of my life. We have been together for seventeen years and married since 2012. I’m so hurt and don’t really know what to do. I have begged him to come back and realized that’s probably not the best thing to do. We have been going to individual therapy and marriage counseling. He wants a 6 month break.. But he says there are no guarantees. This is so hurtful when he says this because I’m trying so hard in the relationship and feel like he’s calling all the shots and have no say. What do I do??
So sorry to hear things are so difficult for you Dharmita. You certainly have the option of finding a therapist to help you manage your unique situation. In general, it’s important to remember that begging or chasing are typically not helpful. I would refer you to these links to get more of a general sense of moves that typically help more:
https://strongwomenstronglove.com/last-resort-save-marriage/
https://strongwomenstronglove.com/the-foolproof-formula-for-being-irresistibly-attractive/
https://strongwomenstronglove.com/husband-wants-to-separate/
https://strongwomenstronglove.com/strongest-best-self/
https://strongwomenstronglove.com/right-way-fight-husband/
https://strongwomenstronglove.com/chasing-doesnt-work-no-fooling/
Wishing you the very best.
My marriage of 17 years is falling apart he said he wants to move out. Well separated because he feels he is only hurting me and our 12 year old daughter because he feels so out of it. He’s a 2 war vet that serve in combat and he is dealing with PTSD and depression I’m having him seek help and asked him to please take his meds to stabilized his mood, he finally took some yesterday and he asked to stayed at home this month but sleep in our guest room he wants to see if the medication works. I feel like I’m dying here he’s my best friend and want to support him but the wife and woman in me is so hurt that rather have him out of the house because his indifference is killing me. I decided I will not be a doormat and are conflicted because I still want to support his mental health problems. Please if anyone has some advice in this matter help me…
My husband of 23 years asked me for a separation today. We have been struggling doe the past 5 years after he was confronted with his drinking gambling and porn addiction. I can get over what he has done, but have struggled emotionally to get over what it has done to me. I have been through a lot medically probably from stress, I’m unable to process anything without getting angry, but I do know I do not want a divorce. I want him to rebuilt the marriage but he seems to just be shifting al the blame on me. Rightfully so because I am not dealing well emotionally. I don’t know what to do but leaving is not an option.
I am experiencing exactly the same as Dharmita now. I feel her pain. I have been married to my husband for 17 years and we have 2 teenage daughters. 6 years ago, he had a couple of affairs. it was devastating. I broke down to pieces but going to marriage counselling saved us. What we thought impossible became possible. Kids were younger so maybe that helped as well. Now…. He is doing it again. He said we are like roommates and he wants to have time off to think about what he wants in life. He moved out a couple of days ago. He still acts perfect dad who is never angry and says nothing against me in front of them. He gently explained to them that he is so stressed at work and needs some space. It is always up to him to leave or stay. I am not financially independent and my dream was always something with him and I just cannot stand up. I should be so angry but somewhere in my heart there is a belief that he might come back. But, if he wants to come back just for kids sake, would it work again? It is so hard to let him go. The 17 years of dedication, life we built, as expat family, we move every few years, so if I give up, what happens? My girls don’t know the truth, so they think I am always sad (nagging wife who complains about lack of attention from husband) and not happy with him. They will surely understand my situation if they find out he is cheating, but I know it is not good for their personal development. What do I do….?
I am going through something similar and it’s so difficult. When I told my husband i had a miscarriage he told me he wanted a separation. We have been together for 8 years married for three. We are trying to work on things but I feel like I’m the only one putting in effort. We have had some problems in the past but he is always so angry with me. Not sure what to do
Losing a baby is hard. Maybe give him some time. Do you have any other children ? Maybe for him he really wants a family. Maybe tell him you are willing to have a baby with a surrogate. Maybe he blames you ? Did you do drugs or drink heavily during pregnancy? I am sorry you are going through this. Relationships are hard
i there im going though the same thing my husband and myself have been together for 11 years and we recently cheated and its hard to get where we were. what can we do
I too am going through a separation. What I am cognizant of now, is that the disconnect actually began at least a year ago. When I received papers, I got into action, not into bed with the covers over my head. I begain evaluating my finances, looking at apartments, investigating my legal rights and responsibilities, focusing on work and school. I continued to be kind and cordial to him, but I know I have to wait him out. He wants our home, I just want my fair share in order to start over. But I never tried to change his mind. This can be an incredible growth opportunity for you and your marriage. You are a whole person, valid, strong, and beautiful. Not merely his wife or a mother. Own your wholeness!! Use this time to become a better, stronger you!! Get counseling. Get busy!
Eleanore. .I am going thru similar situation and my husband stated 6.3.2017 I want a divorce. .I don’t love you..you got me in debt.. He has changed his will so his own daughter is his Beneficary fir his and she gets everything. He stated he didn’t trust me to give any monies to his daughter when he dies?? He has Huge debts and I have tried to assist with. But he blames me fir everything. .He doesn’t come home now..states he has to work 24hrs to try to buy me out? I have no choice but to put in for the divorce as he is carrying on so strange..He is talking rent out rooms..I live downstairs put lodgers upstairs and he live at his mum? Still married and then “later we can get divorced. He won’t go to his doctors he cancelled his appointment. .doc wants to assess him. He changed within 12 days… si sorry was just venting… If I put in for the Divorce will it send him over the edge!!!
As a man myself who has asked for a separation I actually did want some groveling so don’t worry about that. But overall not responding and letting him guess can help I know I wanted groveling but when I got it I felt even more in control. For me my wife’s family has a giant family business they all work at and her family was disrespectful to me often. Our lives revolve around this business and the dad calls all the shots. I guess deep down I don’t want a separation I want tbings to be different but I don’t think it is possible. But it does hurt me that I am hurting her. Overall I believe the worst thing you can do is disagree and tell your man his feelings are not valid. For me I guess I do have an issue with my wife being more successful than me but I think I could deal with it more but the family dynamics just pour salt on it. Good luck. My ho eat advice is deep down do you think your husband is more submissive or dominant? And I don’t mean in life I mean with women and sex? Then if he is submissive get mean aggressive arrogant and pushy. If you think he is more of a dominant type in here is no low that is too lows. Grovel and play as needy as possible apologize and promise to be a sweeter better wife. And don’t nag. If it came out of nowhere and there aren’t major problems it could be sexual. Cheating or desires he has hidden from you. My sisters first husband was gay. You would of had no idea. So there is nothing you can do in that situation. But if there are major recurring problems just let them go and stop nagging.
I am going through the same thing. The difference is that mine has been so hateful and mean to me that I am convinced he will file for divorce. Our separation comes without any possible solutions. I feel the same way, that I am trying so hard while he tore out marriage down through cheating and lying and neglect. But, he is now acting like some sort of victim. I am exhausted
My husband left last week saying he’s feeling depressed and he need some time to short his head … and I keep call and call him but I gest push him more away . What should I do? We gest get married 10 month
My husband said the same thing. So I’m curious what to do as well
Well I my case I lied to my husband about my age and what I do for a living. He found out the truth about a year ago. He now says he needs a separation to sort things out.
i am Nishi and had love marriage with my husband 4 years ago in 2012. i knew him from 6 years. we have two children one 3 yrs old and one 4 month old.since we had married only i am adjusting in every situation i also discuss with him about problems but he tells i am very aggressive and say sorry. sometime he says you are the one with i am compromising like this we are together since 6 years. he has one school time g.f also he used to talk with but told him not to talk then he stopped and his father, mother, brother all they don’t like him living separately because of his aggressive behaviour. his first preference is goes to with his friend. what should i do
I have been married for 10 months, and trust me I tried really hard to keep on working in this difficult marriage. He is a very difficult guy, but now he wants separation just because I refuse to oblige to him any further. He did not wish for me to go to my brother’s engagement, but I did. Now he wants separation… I said, If this is what you want, you may have it.
LOL!! You go, girl!! My husband asked for a separation because he heard me talking on the phone to a male friend. He says I’ve committed adultery. Too funny!! See you court!
I’m going through a similar situation. I’m or I was engaged to a younger women for 3 years and now she says she wants her own apartment and needs her space for her “mental” she does have some mental and drug issues she needs to work on. I’m deeply in love with her and it’s killing me to think that she will be moving out soon. She says we will be “fine” and for me not to worry and swears it’s not another women in the picture. I’m 41 and she’s 28 she is very mature for her age. I don’t know whether to let her go without laying a guilt trip on her or let her go gracefully
We have talked about getting counseling soon as well.
I feel your pain. My wife told me 2 weeks ago that she needed “space”. We have been together for almost 7 years and married for 3. Life stresses (job loss, death in the family, bankruptcy…) have made things stressful for quite sometime. I have admitted to my mistakes and am starting therapy tomorrow… But I’m scared it’s too little to late. She asked to split the money in the bank and is trying to find an apartment. She hardly ever comes home anymore and when she does it’s goes from awkward to ok. I’m lost and scared and exhausted from the stress and sleepless nights.
I’ve been married for five months it was amazing he was the most loving and interested man we have been having financial issues and fights and it’s been getting worst to the point now he is leaving he said in couple weeks and doesn’t not see it working between us..
It was him that wanted this and proposed to me why won’t he honor his vows in marriage
It is soo hurtful and upsetting I was doing fine by myself the way I was before then he came into my life I do soo much and been trying soo much in this marriage now he’s calling the shots it’s soo upsetting I feel used and it’s soo ungreatful….
I’m not saying I didn’t do anything wrong but I’m the one always fixing and after all efforts for him to be this way is soo unfair and upsetting I feel soo used and taken for granted this is a nightmare …
My husband left when I asked him not to see his druggy ‘friend’ who is single female. He won’t be Told who he can be friends with! I pulled him out of her house at 6am on a Thursday morning after he went out for a few hours! Now I’m the bad guy for not tolerating his shit. Go figure, he had a drink and drug problem the same as his friends who don’t like me either. We been married 16 months. Heart broken xx
I have been married 24yrs and last week he told me he wants to leave. He did, he has been gone 4 days now. I’m devastated. We have a boy 23 and girl 18. Our home lease is up in 2wks. Omg, he won’t sign the lease and I don’t know what to do. Please let me know. Also, what am I entitled to?
Sue Marina, I have been married for 28 years, with him for 35 years. I started seeing him when I was 15 years old and now he wants to move on. I don’t even know who I am without him. I was not even an adult when we started dating. We have a 26 year old and a 19 year old. I am trying to be strong and go about being my business. I am having a hard time eating, sleeping, concentrating…..today I even had my shirt on backwards for a good part of the day. This is horrible. Why cant people just stay and work on the marriage and fix the issues!!!!
I have been going thru the same thing for a year now . I am really curious and need to ask does anyone that has shared have a husband who is military or exmilitary and has been diagnosed with PTSD after deployment to the Middle East ? There was about 3 months the beginning of last year when I did not know the man standing in front of me . It caused a lot of damage .
My husband has PTSD he did three tours in Iraq and I swear it’s like night and day one minute I’m his queen and he loves me to pieces and we are looking for houses the next he runing from his responsibilities from family members house to family member house I feel terrible and hurt so much that he is not wanting to be with me his own family tells me I put too much stress on him from financies and then the PTSD TO top it all off i don’t know what to do to fix our marriage and just get back to where we actually loved one another he just told me he is done with me for good and it really strikes my heart hard I have to be strong for my children because I don’t know if he will return
I am in a similar situation. Did your husband every come back? I feel like every day is different and I don’t know why. There are no answers to anything.
I have the same issues my husband of almost 18 years told me that he’s not in love with me anymore and that he doesn’t feel that we’re happy. He is a Veteran and did 2 tours, he’s has PTSD and depression we began sleeping in different rooms since a week ago (his choice) he said that maybe we married to young (me 19 him 21) and we have grown apart. We have a great friendship never have disrespected each other but our sex life has been lacking since he came back from his second tour but I’ve always tried to understand. We have a 12 year old daughter that is to in tune with what’s going on and is killing me to see her in pain, when is so hard because I’m feeling like dying. I don’t know if what he’s going through is cause by his Mental health issues or he really wants to call it off. I’m scared that he said he feels numb and no joy in anything and he’s pushing me away.
Please if anyone out here knows or has experience this HELP…
Me and my husband have been married almost two years . His mother and daughter have continously tried to sabotage our relationship and are very manipulative towards him and his mother stole $9000 from us. His daughter 16. Continously starting fights between us to the point I told him I’m done with the situation and he needs to parent his own child. He sent her to his mom who stole that money from us. To live and became snarky and abusive to me and my children til I asked him to leave. Now he says if i cant get along with his family how can we be married. My thought is how can you forgive your mother for stealing $9000? What am I missing here? Help please
My husband and I have been married since 2004, we have a son that has just turned 11. Finances has always been at the top of the list and I constantly spend when I shouldn’t. I know this and sometimes the need for material things is simply to make myself feel better.
In the past I have sexted with several people but never acted on anything. I have not been physically unfaithful to my husband. More recently I found Tumblr and started a very sexual blog that allow me to show my sexual side. Of course this also resorted in men wanting to chat and me even setting up a KIK account to chat. Again, sexual explict messages, but nothing physical. Actually never considered meeting any of them. It was only a release of sexual fantasy.
My husband and I went for a drive where he broke down crying over past issues, family matters, finances, the sexting, and not know what he wants to do.
I have vowed to him to NEVER resort to this again and to NEVER fall into bad habits again. I’ve asked for a new beginning with him and to show our son how a marraige should be. He hasn’t asked for a separation, but he has said “i need to clear my head just gimme some space” I do not want him to leave our home. I want him to stay and see that changes have been made.
I need advice on how to ask him or beg him to let me show him. Like I said, I’ve vowed to him and god that I will never fall back into the past. I’ve told him I will share fantasies with him and only him.
I’m very fretful and anxious and I’m the type of person that feels like I need the answer “ok” I’ve often said please be open to this and he replies with “I’m not closed”
Thoughts comments and suggestions are welcomes
wow, reading these has been scary & helpful. My husband & I have been together since 1995, married since 2003 & have an almost 12 yo son. I found out he was having an emotional affair in October 2016. Just this weekend, I read a text to her, “Time to rip off the bandaid, no good time to do it, no gentle way, time to have that divorce discussion”. … Everything I have read so far has said not to beg or plead not to end the marriage. He has been so verbally & emotionally abusive, cold, distant, etc lately, that I know I might be better off, but, …. I don’t know….. we have been through a lot (deaths of both of our fathers, I had breast cancer when our son was 2 ((although he wasn’t super supportive then & lately I have a lot of radiation side effects))Usually, once he decides something…, its a done deal. I cannot financially do it (my job pays very little). Our son will lose the only stability he has. We did go to counselling, but when it wasn’t going his way, he cancelled it. But that was “all my fault & I clearly didn’t care enough to find a new one & start again or fight for him”. …. My head says “Get out!!!” My heart is torn…….
My husband and i lived just about 1 month together , he is the most loving and caring man that i met in my life we were living apart for more than a yearbecause he was in canada and i was in pakistan my settlement papers took time suddenly my husband messaged me i want divorce it was a shock i came running to canada to talk to him face to face his family said he had left for australia after that i didnt get to see or talk to him i moved into my uncles home i still dont know how he could do this to me i just want to see him once And talk to him face to face i really love him please pray that i can met my husband snd be with him again
I prayed for you because I know your pain did he return
Hi. I am currently in a similar situation. My husband and I have been living apart (overseas) from each other for 6 months due to some uncontrollable circumstances. I got the shock of my life when he just blurted out over the phone that he wants to leave me. I feel devastated and helpless as I cannot even travel to where he is to even get a proper explanation. And I also would want to discuss face to face.
Were you able to see your husband and talk to him? I hope and pray that you were able to sort things out with him.
Me too. Married for 15 years, have five daughters. About 5 years ago my husband started to struggle with intimacy – physical and emotional – and I thought it was related to some grief he recently experienced and hadn’t completely worked through. I was a little hard on myself over it thinking he had lost interest in me and I wasn’t attractive to him anymore. Over the last five years, I have encouraged him to seek medical advice to help us regain some physical connection, but he was not ever very willing to do that and he resented and became angry that I was asking. This past October he resigned from his job and at the same time he told me he didn’t love me and wanted to separate. He claims he “never has loved me” and he shouldn’t have married me. He says I have never allowed him to just be him, but when I ask him who he wants to be that he feels he cannot be….he cannot give me anything. I feel like he is dealing with some depression or emotional things and he is in a place where he cannot see his purpose, but he is very unwilling to have an open mind that this could be an issue for him. I have been through all stages of desperation, begging, pleading, try to give him space, remain respectful – yet confident in myself, PRAYER and lots of it, but he is completely unwilling to take any steps toward me and is bent on escape. My heart breaks for not knowing how to fix this and for my five daughters because they do not know this is a dark place where he is stuck right now. He can act like everything is okay….even wonderful….with everyone, but me. To me he is distant, cold, apathetic and avoidant as much as possible. He is still in our home, but keeps threatening to leave….I suppose I need to let him because I have been begging him to stay for the sake of our girls and to give us more time, but he has NO desire. It is just so hard to feel stuck in this place….to want to fix it….to want to FIGHT for my marriage. I love him and want to reconcile whatever it is between us, but he cannot even express to me what the main issues are to him. He does not believe he is depressed because he says this issue is only between he and I and not anyone else in his life.
My husband left a little over 2 weeks ago. He said he wanted to separate and go from there. He hasn’t talked to me much since unless I text him. He says he is working on himself to be happy. He has no intention on coming back. We’ve only been married 3 years. He is younger than I am. We were fighting alot about everything to the point we just didn’t talk to each other anymore. I kept trying to fix things but he didn’t. Said he didn’t feel it and that his emotions are numb. He has been hanging out with his best friend since. Like literally takes him to pick his son my stepson on the weekends he gets him. This last time his bf and his wife followed him to pick up his son. They all go to dinner every Friday night. We fought because I want just us time and he wanted to hang out and socialize all the time. I’m so devastated and hurt that I don’t know what to do. I’m not saying that I didn’t do anything wrong. I complained alot about it.
My husband and I have been married two years 3 in march 2019. He also likes to hang out with other families more than his own. We have a 4 year old daughter. Its always been a wreckless marriage. Ive been telling him im sick of his and mine anger issues. Lack of love. Lack of empathy. Lack of intimacy. Its hard. He has left me before we got married and now here we are he wants a trial seperation. Im not sure whats going to happen. Im sad yes. But i can’t control it. He certainly doesn’t look at me the same. Our sex life has also been terrible. He said there needs to be consequences formy actions. Crazy thing is the man has left bruses on me when we agrue. Hes on a high horse. Extremely hypocritical and putting this mostly on me. When i know we are both to blame. Idk if our marriage will be saved. He said its temporary,but idk with him on this high horse. Telling me i need demons prayed out of me. Telling me he doesn’t know if my sin is covered by Jesus. Im sad. I absolutely hate where we are. And i wouldn’t wish this on my enemies.
My husband and I have been married almost 20 yrs and he has just asked for a separation. It isn’t because of another woman, it’s just him trying to find himself again, to be a better/happier person. I haven’t been the easiest person to live with but I thought our marriage was not in this type of distress. Our children will both be in college this fall and I thought we were going to start being empty nesters. Instead I am dying on the inside worried about our marriage. It’s scary to see that only 5% of marriages that separate reconcile. I am praying mine is. I love that man.
Oh rose. My heart breaks for you. I’m going through the same thing. My darling husband of 20 years wants out of our marriage and i think he’s going through some midlife crisis. Saying he wants to live an authentic life now and that our marriage hasn’t been that way for years. I love my man so much and am desperate to fix this.. We’ve gone through so much together and our boy aged 12 will be devastated.
We have been together 23 years. We have been through nearly everything together. I have handled things no one should have to handle as the result of the actions of another…but at the end of it all, I chose to stay. I chose him. I chose our marriage. I chose our family. Now I am not enough. He isn’t happy enough – he thinks there is more out there – that life should be more exciting. I thought we would learn to find exciting together now that the kids are older – but he wants to explore this without me. He doesn’t want to stay, but doesn’t know how to leave. I guess the question is…now what???
This is exactly what I’m going through right now! How did everything turn out for you?
My husband and I have been together since 1987, and married since 1992. He had an affair, I stuck by him, He went through a major depression for 4 years, and I stuck by him,. He quit jobs, I stuck by him. He went back to school, I stuck by him. We lost parents, and close family to death, our older kids are in university. He isolated me from my extended family. In the last couple years, he convinced me to adopt our foster child, buy an expensive house, and quit my job to stay home. He has now decided none of this is making him happy. Today he told me wants out because although he likes me, he doesn’t love me. I have no job, no credit, no savings, no family. He just spent the day with his family, leaving me at home with our son. No invite for either of us.
My husband and I have been married for 19 years, together for 20. We’ve always had a rock solid loving caring supportive marriage. We have 3 boys, currently 17, 11, and 9.
My husband was diagnosed with Lupus a few years ago. Later he was diagnosed with RA in his hands. In the last year, his body has gone down hill, and affected his mental state about himself. In addition, in the last year I poured myself into work because I knew eventually he would need to quit working, which would make me the bread winner. I needed to be successful at work to make sure I was secure there. My husband stopped working in August 2016. I was worried about him being home alone so many hours in a day. He gets bored, and he’s always needed attention. I knew I wasn’t giving him the attention he needed because I was working so much. In at 7am, and leaving work sometimes at 9pm -10pm. I would be exhausted and have no more energy to put into him or myself. We talked about it one time, and he clearly stated he understood and supported me.
When he stopped working and I became the bread-winner, it added to the mental state he was already in. Me being so tired and work driven to make sure I was successful at work, I didn’t notice. He also chose not to talk to me.
In October 2016, he began a sexual affair/relationship with a woman who graduated high school a couple years after him. She was going through a divorce. She said and did all the right things to reel him in, and he took the bait, which in turn allowed himself to tell her how I didn’t care about him or his disease, etc.
In November I met her at a funeral for the first time. I didn’t know about the affair yet. She tried very hard to befriend me, but something was ‘off’ about her. I could never let myself confide in her on a personal level. I thought of her as very needy, she required an insane amount of attention, and unreal. By unreal, I mean that she was happy and bubbly all the time. Someone who is going through a divorce from someone she claims to love is not happy and bubbly. It was very strange behavior.
Anyhow, she did come to our house a lot after we met. My boys spent the night with hers, and her son spent the night with us. She only lives 5 minutes from us. Things started to get even more strange. She would ask my husband for help with stuff around the house. If he would not answer her calls or texts, she would text me to get ahold of him. This really bothered me. However, I knew she was going through a divorce, and needed help with things. I tried to put myself in that situation to try to have compassion. During this time, my husbands behavior had not changed toward me at all. He was still loving, compassionate, encouraging, etc.
Moving forward, to February 2017, I noticed a massive change in his behavior. I call it the 3 weeks before hell. He would hide his phone, make sure I couldn’t see his screen, and it was always locked with a password that was not shared with me.
On March 1, 2017, I finally found out he had been having an affair for 5 months. Without going through all the details, because it could be a novel, here ais the over view:
March 1, 2017 I found out about the affair. She was removed from his life as best as possible (since she lives down the road from us). His phone was factory reset, and all of her info removed. She was removed from all of his social media. We immediately started marriage counseling. He also started personal counseling.
April 1, 2017 I forgave him for the affair so I could move forward. I love him still, 20 years cannot be erased. He wants us to be together, and so do I, so I decide to fight for it.
April 26, 2017, after compromise, the decision was made that he would get professional help for his depression caused by his health problems. Since he would be getting professional help, he would still stay at home.
May 1, 2017, although he was still taking outpatient classes at a behavioral health facility, he decided he wanted to leave the house any way. He needed to focus on himself. He says he still loves me, and still wants to grow old with me, but he needs to leave.
Since them we have had some very hard times, because I do not understand. I’m doing everything like a single parent, while he comes and goes as he pleases. I don’t want to do or say anything that will push him away, but I feel like a doormat. I’m working, paying the bills, taking care of the kids, getting them through homework each night, keeping the house clean, etc., etc., etc. He’s staying at a guy friends home just 3 minutes away, and has no responsibilities.
Am I being selfish feeling this way? How do I understand that he really needs this time? There’s no set time on his return home, he just says that he will come home. We share some wonderful days together, sometimes all day, and he still leaves to go back to his friends to sleep. (I have confirmed with his friend that’s where he’s staying, and he has told me he will let me know if there’s ever a night my husband doesn’t stay there.) How do I stop letting my thoughts be consumed by him? How do I move forward with myself, and not let my heart change about him? I have so many questions, and no answers.
He criticis me for everything and anything. I can’t do anything right. Driving cooking cleaning everything is wrong. He is always mad at me. We just got into a huge fight. Him calling me names swearing at me at the front door. The neighborhood heard him. It’s not the first time. He obviously hates me. He told my daughter if she wants to leave let her leave. He also told her. “Your mom treats her co-workers better thenshe treats me”. My daughter said “her co-workers don’t talk to her the way you do”. No matter what I do he’ll be mad at me. I can’t tell you how hurt I am. There are no words
Hi. I was wondering how you pulled through this? My husband of 11 years tells me constantly that I’m boring and I don’t know how to have fun. He tells me all the time I’m no fun as I don’t want to have intercourse with anyone else. I don’t know he has a sudden interest in this. He tells me that I must be lying when I say I don’t want to be with anyone else. He tells me that when he goes (which wont be far away – so he says) he will take the car and he doesn’t care how I get to work from then on (we live out of town and have 2 children – 1 is almost 10 and the other is 3).
Do I just cut my ties and let him leave? I really don’t know what to do…..
Reading these stories is hard. My heart hurts for all that have posted. And I wonder where everyone stands in their marriages now. My husband and I have been together for 8 years, but married for just under 2. The last year has been the hardest of both of our lives. He had a very short enotional fling with a coworker, during a time which he identifies as a lower point for him (why this time was a low time for him I’m still uncertain). But for the last year, I’ve been working on understanding why he had the enotional fling, and I’m afraid my perseveration has pushed him very far away – always reminding him of his mistake and how it has damaged our marriage. He states there is zero connection between them now. We are in marriage counseling, but he has expressed wanting to separate, but says he “doesn’t want to break my heart”. It’s like he is very much on the fence about it himself. We definitely still love one another, but I think he’s uncertain about how we can get back to the place of happiness we were once in, and whether or not he can forgive himself. We don’t have children… just a dog child 🙂
Together for 20 years.
The distance, along with some sex problems (which I think were partly brought on by him taking up long-distance bicycling) started around January. Late May he told me he wanted to split up, because we are both very introverted and spend too much time only with each other and not meeting and hanging out with other people. I know what this sounds like, but knowing him, I doubt there’s another woman. (If there is, she’s not very bright.)
I still feel heartsick. I miss so much about being his partner. Meals and vacations. The inside jokes. The intimacy — not just sex, but the touching, the gentle innuendos. Just the idea of knowing I was the most important person in the world to this man. And now I’m not anymore.
My husband told me he wants to separate today. How do I stop crying!
I’m in the same boat. I couldn’t stop crying and it’s been a week. It is easier said than done to not play the victim and move on. I guess we should just give ourselves the time to heal. Who knows maybe the separation may not push through after all. I really hope my husband gets through his senses.
My husband married for 4 together for 6, 2e started dating when I was 19 and him 22, married me when I was 21. I fought severe depression and anxiety, he separated from me sep 28,2019, we are in jan 14,2020, hes been very ugly and doesnt want to work anything out. He knows I love him.and I’m fighting, I beat depression and only fight anxiety. He was upset about a lot of things, I picked my self up and got a good job, a new apt etc. He still lives in his parents rental and is now fighting anxiety and depression, hates his job, etc. He will be 30 this June… we didnt cheat, things just got hard and now I’m fighting and asking for us to get personal and couples therapy. He refuses but he wont tell me he doesnt love me. He just gets angrier and angrier the more I tell him I love him, forgive him, want to work it out and thay God is bigger then our brokenness.
He said he will be filing soon, and well we split pretty much everything except one bank account and car insurance. He doesnt seem to care that I fixed the problems I was fighting, but then again hes now fighting depression and anxiety that wasnt there before. When unwashed fighting both, I didnt want to hear it from anyone either.
Praying that God spare our marriage and we pick it up. As for now, I’m finally leaving him alone. I realized how much I begged and more likely pushed him away. I just turned 26 this month and well, time to act like it.
Pray and wish us luck… and a change in heart. Good luck you all.
My husband recently told me he wants to separate and he needs time to himself, but doesn’t want a divorce. He says I accuse him too much, but I’ve had evidence several times. I want a divorce but he doesn’t. I’m lost because we have a son and another child on the way. I don’t know what else to do.
Hi I’m not married but been in a relationship for 15years.. And 4 kids later my husband meet a girl at his work that je found out that they got a lot in common and was talking to her when I accused him of cheating he got up set and pack his bags he said he is done and wants to work things out for the kids sake. But because I called the girl and asked her to back off. He is more angry with me because I called her. But now he’s Comming around wanting to have sex but tells me that it has to be emotionless. Whay do I do I love him so much and I can’t lose him.
My husband and I are young. We’ve only been married a year. Recently he’s been telling me unhappy he is and how he’s not sure if he wants to be married. He asked me to leave, with no firm answer as to what we are doing. When asked he told me to “prepare myself for worse case scenario” but after leaving and being gone for just 24 hours has said “I don’t know just give me a few months, I will get some help and then we will see” but I haven’t heard from him in 2 weeks and I’m starting to get nervous that he has moved on and forgotten about me.
I know I can’t change his mind, that whatever he’s decided is what he’s decided. But he hasn’t told me “yes we are divorcing” or “no I just need some time” meanwhile I’m sitting alone, nauseous daily because I don’t know what’s going to happen.
We have been married for 22 years and have a teenage daughter. My husband is having an affair for a couple of years and has moved to a different city for work since the past 8 months now. After he moved he’s started to feel that the family doesnt mean so much so as his girlfriend means to him. He wants a divorce and marry that woman who is way younger than him. Ive been begging pleading and chasing him but to no avail. Everytime he decides that i should move alongwith him to the city where he works he goes back on his decision and im left devastated. I’ve been crying for the past almost 1.5years now but things dont seem to work in my favor. My focus is very clear.. i donot want a divorce and willling to work on my marriage as much as i can and ive done it in the past also. He had issues with me which i addressed and he acknowledges but he’s head over heels in “love” with that woman that he seems to have lost his wisdom. What he thinks of is “true love” might be just a mid life crises which he doesnt seem to realise and is ready to put our 3 decades of relationship at stake and all that we struggled and made together get ruined. What do I do ?
I have been married since 2000. 18 year now, I’ve known my husband before then as well. We are both from different backgrounds, different religions but we felt we are in love and got married. We have 2 young kids, 10 and 6. In the recent past, we moved into our 3rd home. (3rd time we moved), since we moved and in the past few years, his parents have been visiting us every year and stay us for few months. That has caused a lot of changes in me. Even otherwise, after coming back from work he fixes himself a drink and 3-4 drinks later he is on the phone for 4-5 hours every evening. I do things mostly on my own with kids. We go to parties in separate cars, we are not in the same bedroom in the last 2 months and there are always some fights about something or the other. Last night after his parents left, he came to tell me he wants to separate and he doens tlike how I trea thim and his parents. Why do i think that I’m some special creature from a heaven, why my reason of happiness is unhappiness for him and kids. There was lot that was said. I have never made him happy, though me and kids are his family – he doesnt recall a time I can go beyond my zone to support him. Though that is not the case, I’ve always supported him when he wanted to go for boys trip every year, his spending on his activities, everything. But I’ve put in so may years in building this that I don’t understand if this is the right course of action. I feel like i’ve been neglected and abondoned / lonely for all these years. any suggestions?
My husband of 8 years recently told me he was “done” He loves me but he isn’t in love with me. He told me I needed to move. The house was his not in my name. This is the second time I have been homeless due to the man I was with so I purchased a home of my own and close Friday. Today he asked me what we were doing for Thanksgiving. He wants to continue to act like a family in 2 separate homes. Prior to my home purchase we attempted counseling. We each have grown children from previous marriages. I told him he can cook at his home and I will cook at mine. I feel otherwise is reinforcing the negative behavior of wanting me gone unless he wants me there. Am I missing something here? Very confused
Help! My husband told me he wants to separate today. We have been together for over 20 years and have two children together. What should I do?
Hello . My husband and I have been together for 9 years and married for 5 . I’m 24 years old and we have 3 children together . For a few months we have been fighting bad and it got to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore . I gave him divorce papers but he wouldn’t sign. I brought up separation plenty of times but he said no . I asked him if it’s best that I go home and he said no . He assured me that everything was fine on his end and it was just me needing to relax . I felt like he wanted his marriage so I told him while he’s deployed I will get myself together mentally and emotionally and when he returned everything would be good and he agreed that I should do just that . Well He deployed on December 31st and we have been fine . Just this past Saturday we got into a argument because I found 2 phone numbers in his and he told me he did text people but he knew what he was doing was wrong so he stopped . Tuesday he text me telling me he wants to separate and he still loves me with all his heart but he doesn’t think we should be together . I’m at lost for words and don’t know what to do . I have no job and I have our three children while he’s still deployed
I’m another one in the situation where my husband wants to separate. We’ve been married 30 years and have 5 kids. He now says that he never loved me and I basically forced him to marry me (no pregnancies or guns were involved. It was the fact that his mother would not visit us when we were living together that made me suggest it.
His excuse for everything is he’s a people pleaser but now he wants to go out and find love but he can’t describe what love even is. All I know is I’m not leaving him. I’m staying in the house I love with 3 or my kids and him! I really want to shake his mother!
Hello, my husband and I have been married 6 years and have two amazing little girls ages 3 and 5. We have been though alot in our marriage including my husband being out of work and becoming a stay at home dad. Recently he had a simple hernia surgery that has resulted in chronic pain that he has seen many doctors for but nothing has helped. My husband has fallen in a deep depression and states that he wants to move far away to be some where warmer so he can enjoy life and not be stuck in a house 6 months a year (We live in Wisconsin) i know he always has wished to live somewhere else but now is acting on it. He has stated that either we move away from home where all our family and support is or he is joining a volunteer group in Africa and will be gone for months. I am extremely close to my family and both our families are very heavily involved in our kids lifes. I really do not want to move away from ones I love and that deeply love their grandkids (both families only grandkids) but I also can not live with him just leaving for months. That would destroy me and not to mention how the heck do you explain that to your kids. He also is the one home with the kids while I work.. what does he think I will do if he just runs off?? I am feeling so lost and numb.. I understand my husband is down and feels that there is something better out there but what can I do that won’t destroy me or more importantly our girls. I want him to be happy again but I need to be happy too
My two year wedding anniversary is next month. My husband told me yesterday that he wants to split up. His reason: because I won’t pick his daughter and her friend up from school in the afternoons. They are 14. He has never let me be a part of her life really or be her step mom. I take her to school in the mornings but want to be able to do things in the afternoon sometimes. She refuses to ride the bus and asks grown. I will admit our marriage has been rocky since day one. I’ve been through his lies, cheating and physical abuse. I have stood by him for three years. Now he wants out. He’s so happy now that he has announced this to me. I have a feeling he has wanted out longer than this. I moved for him, changed jobs, moved away from my family. I’m just sick about it.
My husband of over 6 years just recently told me he was not happy. It broke my heart to pieces that I didn’t realize he was not happy when I was happy. We are going through a trial separation right now and will revisit our status in 3 months. I have been doing my best to stay positive and give him the space that he needs to clear his head. We have date night once a week and I’m hoping that rekindling our “romance” will get us back to a place that we can both be happy again. I won’t lie…it’s been very hard. I cry every night that I go to bed alone. I’m scared, and I’m frustrated. I have been making an effort to spend time with friends and family, exercise and do things for myself. I just feel defeated many days because I want this to work and he says he does too, but how can it work when we live apart?
Ann,
I am in a similar place. I know you posted this a few months ago, where are you with your separation now? My husband physically left two weeks ago but it feels like 2 years. Having a hard time. Would love some support.
I’m curious to how this worked out… I asked my husband to meet with me 1 time every 2 weeks and he wouldnt even give me that, 6 years in… it hurts.
It’s a very hard battle, not sure If my first post posted correctly.
Husband and I married for 4 out of 6 years. Started dating at 19 and him 22, me married at 21 and him 24.
Bad battles of depression and anxiety for me and finacial really hit us… he just left this past sep.28,2019, and it’s going in 4 months this jan. Hes gotten ugly and will not tell me he doesnt love me, but hes wanting to file for divorce. We live under diff. Roofs and he refused to get counseling, or see or speak with eachother. We havent cheated but hes now fighting my old battle of both anxiety and depression. He couldnt handle it when I was fighting that badly. We went through and lot and it’s been tough,
I’ve offered many solutions, got back on my feet, etc. Jusy turned 26 and not wanting to go through a divorce as I love him so much. Praying for a solution. I told him God is bigger then our brokenness.
Good luck you all.
I just found out my husband of 20 years wants to separate, I’m at a loss I love him so so much. 14 years ago we cheated on each other and we went to a marriage counselor and we worked thru it. We have a 19 year old son. I just dont know what to do I dont want to live without him he’s my everything. I’m just angry cause I know if I say anything it won’t matter. I already told him that I will never replace him and I will wear my ring till I die.
I’ve been married for 5 years out 23 together and my husband asked for a separation today. I am so hurt and angry because I feel that I have no saying. his daughter has a lot to do with his behaviour and I am tired of having the heavier end of thing at the same time I don’t want my marriage to end, I have an eight year old boy and it ruching me to put him through this. What do I do?
My husband celebrated 10 yrs of marriage and then a week later he moved out. He says he doesn’t want to give up on us but he needs time. He said he likes the fact that he doesn’t have any responsibilities right now, I have 4 kids he’s helped me raise. He didn’t give me a clear picture as far as what this “separation” is supposed to be for though. To say I’m heartbroken is an understatement. I seriously don’t know own what I’m supposed to do.