I recently had the opportunity to hear author and marriage therapist Michele Weiner-Davis speak.
Weiner-Davis is the author of Divorce Busting, among other books. As you can tell from that book title, the heart of her approach is about helping couples avoid divorce if at all possible.
I think her work is interesting and useful. One of Weiner-Davis’ resources that I’ve been sharing with my clients is The Last Resort Technique. It’s something you should read immediately if you feel that your marriage is in serious jeopardy. Weiner-Davis defines this as your husband filing for or definitively asking for divorce, being separated from each other, or still living together, but with little to do with each other.
The steps in the Last Resort checklist align with advice and strategies I’ve written about here in this blog and in my book, Strong Women, Strong Love.
Call off the Chase
As a first step to saving your marriage, Weiner-Davis advises “stop the chase.” That means no calls, buying gifts, etc.
In a past blog post on handling a separation, I wrote about why this strategy works:
If your husband does actually leave the house, don’t pressure him to come back. Allow him to experience the reality of what divorce from you would mean. … Give him space to understand your importance in his life. It’s possible he’s not interested in reconciliation and will eventually want a divorce. It’s also possible that if he truly experiences a separation, he’ll eventually start missing you and the life you have built together.
I’ve also written about how research has shown that a pattern of chasing isn’t good for marriages:
In technical terms, the pattern in which one spouse wants to confront the issue and the other withdraws from such a discussion is the pursuer/distancer pattern. E. Mavis Hetherington’s landmark study of 1,400 divorced individuals found that couples who routinely related this way had the highest risk of ending up divorced.
Rediscover Yourself
The second step of the Last Resort Technique is “Get a life.” Feeling depressed and desperate when your marriage is on the brink is natural, Weiner-Davis writes. But, she says, it’s important to “remember who you really are.” In other words, you’re much more than your response to the current crisis in your life. You’re a whole person, not the “jilted wife” or whatever demeaning label you might be applying to yourself.
Weiner-Davis recommends doing things to get back in touch with yourself, such as deepening your faith, reconnecting with old friends or pursuing a new interest or hobby.
Earlier this year, I wrote about the importance of maintaining a strong sense of self no matter what’s going on in your marriage:
It’s about engaging in what truly makes you feel alive, showing up as yourself, and drawing a line when others don’t respect you. It’s being playful, confident, and engaged in your own life. As therapist Esther Perel has so eloquently noted, distance, space, and mystery stoke the fires of attraction. Be yourself, enjoy doing your own thing, and you’ll amp up the attraction in your relationship. If you’re not convinced, ask yourself how attracted you would be to your husband if he was really needy and had no life outside you! Not much, I bet.
Weiner-Davis makes no guarantees that the Last Resort Technique will save your marriage, but she writes that “it works often enough for you to be eager to give it a shot.” And, she adds, “even if your marriage doesn’t improve … your mental health will.”
If you’re interested in learning more about Michele Weiner-Davis’ Last Resort Technique, consider her new online course, The Last Resort Technique.
I was hit with the news about 1.5 months ago that my wife is no longer in love with me. I can see and feel the warning signs with the lack of emotion and physical contact. I was told that I was the blame for everything that has happened to her with our marriage. She has no identity, I control her, I don’t appreciate her, i am not emotionally there for her, I have taken her away from her family and friends in the past. Meanwhile, she does not work, takes care of the home and kids. I have gone to therapy and she is going to. I on the fence if I really want this to work also. I am good person a provider, father and husband. She asked her to give her space so she can figure things out. She has also asked that we need to be friends first before we can move on to the bad or the good outcome. I am so confused. I do not know what to do next.
I know this is four years later…but my situation is exactly the same with my wife…wants space and says we are best friends and maybe there will be a shift into something more which would be amazing but that it may also mean we might go out separate paths…. wondering how it went for you
My husband told me he isn’t in love with me and that he wanted separate and have some space .. A very emotional with my past and I begged him to stay he still here paying all the bills taking care of me & out two kids but he doesn’t come home most night after work because he knows all this is hurting me so much he can’t come home t c me upset .. He says that he still cares and loves me .,
But he also is going back-and-forth with wanting it to work to not .. I don’t know how to feel or what to say or how to really cope . I give him his space then he complains because I don’t talk to him. But he also still tries to make me dinner make me feel good but he doesn’t touch me he doesn’t hold me we have no sex keeps saying that he’s resisting me I have no idea what to do I need help he says that he wants me to be more independent I’m trying to get my license I’m trying to keep moving forward now he hates it because I’m trying to do some for me with and married for 10 years and my past towards sucked with my daughter’s father because I was abusive I told him I needed time I don’t see my daughter’s father anymore cause I got full custody now I finally feel free and my husband doesn’t want to be here or he does want to be here I don’t know what he’s doing it’s frustrating and I love them so much
My husband and I have been married for 10 years he has always told me I was the love of his life we grow up together I’m known him since I was five years old live next to him and he always thought that he would never be here with me. A months ago he said that he wasn’t in love with me he wanted to separate slightly talking about a divorce but then he changed his mind and didn’t want to he still lives here with me he still pays the bills to take care of the kids and me because he does love me he does care for everybody but then there’s days that he goes back and he tells me he doesn’t want to be with me . There are days that he is still tries to make me dinner he wants to talk to me watch his movies and then when its the next day he goes to work he opens and closes so it’s a long day and then he says that he’s not coming home until later because he wants a space in like 3 o’clock in the morning he sleeps in the truck and drinking he doesn’t know what to do I don’t think
He wants me to be more independent he wants me get my license and help them a little bit more because he’s exhausted and I understand I’m trying I’m moving forward I am a basket case and I have pleaded him to stay and I made sure and I know not to break up a marriage we have kids blah blah blah I told him that I want him in my life I told him I want him to stay and it’s not because of the kids because I want him
There are days that we don’t talk to each other at all and then there are days that he keeps asking how my day was how the kids and then I answer him nicely and then he goes on and he tries to break it off and then there are days he gets upset because I don’t talk to him all day because I’m trying to give him his space that he wants but then he gets upset because I give him his space and don’t talk to him I really don’t know what he wants very confusing and frustrating
There was a day that he said that he’s been trying to work it out for 10 years but I have been focusing on it only because with my daughter’s father he was abusive and for 11 years I’ve been going to court and I finally got full custody and I finally feel like I can breathe again feel free my husband is upset because why is it now and not years ago ..
My husband doesn’t touch me he hugs me once in a while but that’s it we don’t have sex we don’t guess he just keeps saying that he’s resisting me I don’t know if it’s because he wants me to get my license and try to move forward or what and yesterday he got upset because he had a rough day at work and that he didn’t get to talk to me all day and then same day maybe an hour later he said I will wasn’t upset that we haven’t talked she keeps changing his mind Alittle I don’t know why