Have you noticed the kind of pressure new parents face these days? Magazines, advertising, blogs and even friends’ social media pages abound with images of blissful couples and their infants in picture-perfect nurseries. Both parents look enraptured with their new baby and each other, making it all seem so easy.
That sets up some unrealistic expectations about the transition to parenthood. Now don’t get me wrong: Adding a child to your family is a time of great joy and can deepen the bond you have with your partner. But it can also be a time of great stress, messiness and strain on your marriage. We know from the research that marital satisfaction often takes the biggest nosedive after the addition of the first child.
Becoming parents means changes in practically every area of your life. And for most people, change equals stress. You may go on leave from your familiar world at your job. You can’t just dash out for an errand or meetup with friends so easily anymore. Going for a quick walk or even getting a hair cut can be hard to do when you’re responsible for a little one 24/7. All that can leave you feeling isolated and trapped.
The stress doesn’t stop there. Kids can also strain our wallets (hospital or adoption bills, daycare and on and on …) and our schedules. There’s simply less time for everything else, from work to self-care (especially sleep!) to couple time to housework.
And speaking of housework: Not only do you have less time to do it, you have more to do when you add a child to the family. Keeping up with it can seem overwhelming. And if your husband doesn’t have the same threshold for noticing that things need to be done, you could find yourself in a pattern where you complain and accuse and he gets defensive.
If the upcoming Mother’s Day is your first as a mom or expectant mom, I want to give you some down-to-earth advice that will help you navigate the transition to parenthood while also caring for your marriage.
Tips for New (or Soon-to-be) Parents
If you don’t have kids yet, build up goodwill. Use this time to practice being the best partner you can be. Be especially thoughtful, appreciative, and kind. Have fun together, and build up good memories. Perhaps go off on a spontaneous trip, or try something new together. Take advantage of the time you have to hang out with dear friends and loved ones. Strengthening your bond now will pay off in those intense early days of parenthood.
Get the stress level down! If you have the financial or family resources, get some outside help, such as housekeeping, meal delivery, or child care. Children are very physically dependent for the first few years and need constant supervision. This can be absolutely exhausting! Hand the baby off to your spouse or someone else for a while, and take a break. Otherwise, you’ll be likely to get upset with your husband just because you’re stressed.
Prioritize sleep and rest. Try to go to bed early, shift your schedule, or nap when the baby does to minimize fatigue. Taking turns being the one responsible for the baby at night can give each of you the unbroken sleep you need to refuel. Some people benefit from having a relative help out or hiring a night nanny for a while.
Work together. If your goal is to fully share in parenthood with your husband, be very intentional about giving him time and space to also bond and take care of the baby. Believe that both you can be equally competent as parents, and don’t make the mistake of micromanaging your spouse. Each one of you will have you own unique way of caring for baby. So, play to each of your strengths and divide responsibilities in a way that lifts the stress off both of you.
Be polite and respectful. Remember the basic gestures that show respect and acknowledge each other’s humanity, like greeting each other warmly or saying “please” and “thank you.” Little things like this go a long way toward maintaining respect in your marriage, and, as I’ve written before, mutual respect can sustain your relationship until you have time to rekindle romance and passion.
Love your baby, but keep your bond alive too. The parent-child bond can be very intense, and that’s a good thing. But it’s important to remember that you need to spend time together as a couple, not just as parents. Don’t lose yourself to motherhood. When you have a newborn, time may be limited to a short conversation with your husband or cuddling together while you’re exhausted. Brief moments of connection can be good enough during the very busy first few weeks of parenthood, but make sure you work toward reengaging each other more deeply and regularly over the long run.
And check out this wonderful, down-to-earth advice from seasoned parents:
If you’re about to begin, or just beginning, the journey of parenthood, realize that change and stress are inevitable, but that a weakening of your marriage is not. You’ll find more advice about keeping a thriving relationship even as you balance family, work and other demands in my book Strong Women, Strong Love.
Be honest: Has the holiday weekend left you refreshed, or are you exhausted right now?
The Labor Day holiday seems like an appropriate time to take a closer look at how much women work, how tired it’s making us, and the effect of all this “laboring” on our marriages and families.
Let’s start with a few important facts that provide clues about why you may be finding yourself so tired these days:
–Data from a CDC survey shows that women actually do report feeling exhausted more often than men do. The difference is most pronounced in the years that most of us are raising families.
–Women’s financial responsibilities in the family have increased significantly in recent years. According to the Pew Research Center, in 40% of the households that have children under 18, mothers are the primary or sole breadwinners.
–Although men are certainly doing more domestic chores than in the past, the Bureau of Labor and Statistics reports that working women are still carrying more of the housework burden.
–This probably won’t surprise you, either: A study published in the American Sociological Review, found that women multitask more than men, spending 40% of their waking hours doing at least two activities at once. Most of the juggling is with household tasks and childcare, two areas in which women are often judged by others if they don’t do them well.
–A study by the University of New Hampshire found that when kids were sick, 74% of mothers missed work to stay home with their sick child compared to 40% of men. Many families find that demands made by employers make it difficult to fulfill other important responsibilities, thereby constantly increasing work stress (and exhaustion).
All of this takes its toll on our relationships. We get snappy and impatient with our kids, and it’s hard to have emotional or physical intimacy with our partners when we’re so tired and stressed (See blogpost on “The Science of Flipping Your Lid”).
Speaking with the Washington Postabout the topic of exhaustion, author and researcher Brene Brown notes that fear can be a barrier to fighting constant overwhelm. People in her studies have told her: “If I really stopped and let myself relax, I would crater. Because the truth is I’m exhausted, I’m disconnected from my partner, I don’t feel super connected to my kids right now.”
If you see a lot of yourself in this statement, consider these ideas for dealing with exhaustion:
1. Remember you’re not alone. First, it’s important to realize that it isn’t “just you.” Economic realities are having a huge impact on life for American families. Brene Brown reminds us that we’re also up against cultural norms that tie our self-worth to our productivity and make being constantly busy and exhausted a status symbol of sorts.
2. Do one thing at a time when you can. Make every effort to curb multitasking. Although it may seem like you’re getting more done, did you know multitasking actually reduces productivity? Not only that, it’s mentally and physically exhausting!
3. Stop saying, “yes.” Although some reasons for our busyness and exhaustion can’t be avoided, others can. As women, our default answer when someone asks us to do something tends to be “yes.” We don’t want to disappoint anyone, but we’re much more effective, and happier, when we set stronger boundaries. Limit how much you have on your plate, and you’ll have more time and energy for the people and things you love.
4. Choose you. Everyone needs time to refuel. Take time to rest, play, and do things that energize you. Taking time for you is not being “lazy;” it’s absolutely essential to your health and well-being.
5. Work together. Finally, and most importantly, work together with your partner. Instead of stewing about what your husband isn’t doing, ask for more help with housework and child care. And don’t stop him and take over when he doesn’t do things exactly your way. (See blog posts on micromanaging) Instead of trying to divide all your household tasks 50-50, look for ways to share responsibilities that play to your individual strengths. If he loves cooking and you love Quicken, for example, let him handle meal duty while you take care of your finances. All of this takes negotiation, of course, but it’s worth the effort. With all of the overwhelming demands on our families, you’ll both feel a lot better facing them as a team.
So in honor of this Labor Day weekend, make a vow to labor less, and to rest, play, and reconnect with your husband and kids much more.
Many women dream all their lives of motherhood. And there’s no doubt about it, the bond with your child is one of the strongest you will have with anyone. But along with the joys of children come additional pressures that can make life more intense and stressful.
According to research, marital satisfaction takes its biggest nosedive after the birth of the first child. That’s mostly because couples have so little time to spend with each other because they are so busy juggling other competing demands such as work pressures, kids’ activities, and housework.
It’s so easy to lose yourself to motherhood — to become disconnected from yourself and your other passions. When time and help are limited, you are often choosing between your own needs and that of your husband and kids. Making sure your needs are somewhere in the mix is vital — even when it’s hard. Otherwise, both your well-being and your marriage are at risk.
Here are three ideas for taking care of both:
1. Slow down the pace in your household to one that feels more sane. Limit kids’ outside activities. What your children need most is to be seen and understood by you, not a constant flurry of classes, team practices or club meetings.
2. Take time just for you. At first, that may simply be the luxury of showering without someone knocking on the bathroom door! Eventually move toward regular time dedicated to yourself. Yes, your spouse will need to step up to help you take this time, but you can certainly return the favor.
3. Make regular time with your husband. A happy marriage protects the health of everyone in the household, so carve out some time to enjoy with your husband.
Taking care of yourself makes you a better mom and wife. Make sure it’s part of your Mother’s Day celebration!
According to research, the biggest drop in marital satisfaction occurs after the birth of the first child. Anyone who has cared for a newborn understands the all-consuming nature of caring for a very young baby. The challenge for couples is to integrate a little one into their lives, while retaining a sense of themselves as a couple.
Although it is certainly nice to be able to go out on a formal date, carving out the time to do so can be unrealistic for many new parents who may also be very nervous about leaving their newborn. Maintaining a connection with your spouse can be less complicated and less time-intensive than you may realize. Try these simple strategies for staying close:
1. Get physical. Eye contact, smiles, warm embraces, holding hands, sitting close to one another, or giving a quick neck massage are easy ways to maintain a physical connection without it taking much time. Resuming your sexual relationship is also important whenever you are both ready.
2. Express words of appreciation and support. Words are tremendously powerful in fostering connection. If you were a new parent, how do you imagine you would respond to your spouse saying the following things to you?
“I’m so glad to see you.”
“Thanks so much for letting me get a little sleep. I really appreciate it.”
“This is hard work, but I’m so lucky you are in here with me.”
“I miss you.”
“You are amazing with the baby.”
Kind words do not take much time to utter, but can have long-lasting positive effects on the bond with your spouse.
3. Establish yourselves as a team. Parenting is much easier when you are truly working together. Much too often, what actually happens is that Mom becomes the parent, while Dad moves into the position of being her helper. Even our language reflects this arrangement: “Is your husband helping you with the baby?” The first few weeks of parenthood are a vital time to negotiate your partnership as parents. It is important you support one another as you both muddle through the challenges of caring for a new baby. Don’t be too quick to swoop in and take the baby if Dad is struggling. If you are breastfeeding, consider pumping occasionally so Dad can bond with the baby and you can get a little rest.
If you are able to move toward one another and work your way through the challenges you face after a baby enters your lives, your relationship will definitely emerge strengthened.
