by Strong Women Strong Love | Feb 16, 2014 | Passionate Partnership |
Was your Valentine’s Day about fun and companionship with your husband? Or were you disappointed by how your Valentine’s Day went?
Many times, we women have very specific expectations about how things “should” go on special occasions like Valentine’s Day. On top of that, we grow up with romantic myths such as believing that our dream guy will “just know” how to make us happy without any effort on our part. When we don’t let our partners in on those expectations, it can cause tremendous stress in the relationship.
Disappointments like a Valentine’s Day letdown can easily lead to resentment and feelings of hopelessness about the relationship. What can you do to ease these hurt feelings and move forward? Here are a couple of ideas to consider:
1. Be direct. The next time a special occasion (such as your birthday or your anniversary) is coming, be more direct about how you would like the event to go. Remember that the romantic images in your head might not be the ones in his. This is one of the reasons men often say, “Just tell me what you want!” Speak up because if you value a romantic night out on special days, but he thinks he’s supposed to buy jewelry, you will end up disappointed. It might not seem as romantic to communicate your wishes so directly, but you’re more likely to enjoy the occasion. And, as a bonus, anytime you bring more of the real you into your relationship, you’re always deepening the intimacy with your husband.
2. Look at the big picture. Don’t use how your husband did on Valentine’s Day as the sole measure of the success of your relationship. It’s one day, not the total picture of your marriage. Look for all the ways that your husband does communicate his love — maybe he’s great about helping you around the house or he’s very physically affectionate. Make sure these other efforts are acknowledged. Otherwise, you will end up with a partner who feels discouraged about his attempts to make you happy.
Everyone will disappoint us sometimes; opening ourselves up to that is part of being in a close relationship. But remember that being disappointed by Valentine’s Day does NOT have to equal being disappointed in your relationship!
by Strong Women Strong Love | Feb 13, 2014 | Promotions |
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by Strong Women Strong Love | Feb 4, 2014 | Passionate Partnership |
As Valentine’s Day approaches, how many articles have you seen about how to be “irresistible” to your husband and spice up your marriage? As women, we’re barraged with unrealistic — and sometimes even contradictory! — advice about how to attract a man: Be seductive! Don’t be too nice! Look perfect to keep your man!
The big problem with much of this advice is that it’s based on fear — fear that if you don’t do just the right thing at just the right time, there goes your relationship.
The irony is that what truly makes us irresistible is authenticity, and it comes from a place of courage, not fear. It’s not about using “tricks” to get what you want out of your man or having the “perfect” body so he’ll be attracted to you. In fact, manipulative behavior and constant insecurity about your appearance are anything but attractive.
What does bring your husband closer?
1. Nurturing your own self-worth and self-respect. Think about it: Would you rather be around someone who is secure and confident or someone who is constantly needy?
Tips to try:
- Identify the things that energize you and bring more of them into your daily life.
- Be compassionate toward yourself when you make a mistake, remembering that mistakes are necessary for learning.
2. Being your whole self, not the woman you think you are supposed to be. Trusting your husband with the real you, in all your power, complexity and vulnerability, brings life to the relationship.
Tips to try:
- Share something you’ve never told anyone else with your husband.
- Practice voicing your true opinions.
3. Making it easy for him to be himself with you. Accept his differences, respect him and appreciate how he contributes to your life.
Tips to try:
- Make a habit of noticing the positive things your husband does.
- Recall the key qualities that initially attracted you to your husband, and point them out.
Remember that your husband already has a deep attraction to you. Otherwise, he would not have married you! By valuing yourself, having the courage to be vulnerable, and acting in loving ways, you become genuinely irresistible—and that’s the best Valentine’s gift you can give yourself and your husband.
by Strong Women Strong Love | Jan 8, 2014 | Persistent Pressures, Understanding Men |
Men and women make assumptions about one another all the time. For example, you must have heard by now that men are:
- Not as emotional as women.
- Have a hard time staying faithful.
- Unable to take care of themselves, let alone the children.
Stereotypes are a mental shortcut, a way for the brain to efficiently process information without having to attend to all the pesky details. Unfortunately, the mind’s tendency to generalize in the name of efficiency can have a detrimental effect on a relationship.
Let’s examine a few stereotypes about men and how these ideas can affect a relationship:
1. Men are not as emotional as women.
Research shows that young boys are actually more emotionally expressive than girls until about first grade. In the early years, boys tend to smile, laugh, and cry more often than girls. After that, there is significant social pressure for them to “toughen up,” and they become less likely to show distress or sadness. By the time they enter a romantic relationship, they have often been well-trained to keep their emotions under wraps.
Feeling emotion and expressing emotion are two different things. For example, if you look at the studies of how men respond to an intense argument with their spouse, you will find that when men appear shut down, they are in fact experiencing intense stress that they are attempting to manage by distancing. They are masters of the Poker Face.
Typically, In response to the frustration of a husband who has withdrawn, many women intensify their pursuit. If you consider the possibility that your partner may actually be overwhelmed by emotion, rather than devoid of it, you would probably choose a different response.
2. Men have a hard time staying faithful.
There is a prevalent idea, even among some researchers, that men are biologically predisposed to seeking multiple partners. This mindset reinforces the idea that men “can’t help themselves” and are incapable of being mature, monogamous, responsible partners. In reality, men often desire a committed, emotionally rewarding relationship as much as women.
For both men and women, the capacity to remain faithful in a relationship is strongly linked to having emotional needs met, much more than it is linked to any biological drive to cheat. Ironically, assuming that your partner is hardwired to cheat can set off fear-based behavior, such as jealousy and constant monitoring, that may ultimately lead to what you fear most.
3. Men are unable to take care of themselves, let alone the children.
Read that one again and notice the disrespect inherent in this idea. This stereotype essentially lumps men and children together and reinforces the notion that men are helpless, useless creatures who will always need mothering.
Because of the different ways males and females continue to be socialized, there can indeed be significant differences in how well they are able to engage in domestic and childcare duties. The majority of women have much more practice in how to take care of the home and children than the men they marry. Because women are frequently judged on their caretaking skills, they face social pressure to be proficient in this area.
That being said, there are plenty of men around these days who are not only willing, but actually open, to being full partners at home. However, if they lack skill in the domestic realm, it is important they be allowed the time and space to develop these abilities in a safe, supportive atmosphere tolerant of the normal mistakes that are part of learning.
It is extremely important to separate biological leanings from social realities. In the same way that women are not biologically engineered to love washing dishes and wiping runny noses, men do not have a gene that prevents them from becoming domestically proficient.
So, check your assumptions about your spouse. Be curious about the social pressures he has faced as a man, and learn the details of his life. After all, both of you deserve to have a partner who relates to the real you, not an inaccurate stereotype that barely scratches the surface.
