As Valentine’s Day approaches, how many articles have you seen about how to be “irresistible” to your husband and spice up your marriage? As women, we’re barraged with unrealistic — and sometimes even contradictory! — advice about how to attract a man: Be seductive! Don’t be too nice! Look perfect to keep your man!

The big problem with much of this advice is that it’s based on fear — fear that if you don’t do just the right thing at just the right time, there goes your relationship.

The irony is that what truly makes us irresistible is authenticity, and it comes from a place of courage, not fear. It’s not about using “tricks” to get what you want out of your man or having the “perfect” body so he’ll be attracted to you. In fact, manipulative behavior and constant insecurity about your appearance are anything but attractive.

What does bring your husband closer?

1.  Nurturing your own self-worth and self-respect. Think about it: Would you rather be around someone who is secure and confident or someone who is constantly needy?

Tips to try:

  • Identify the things that energize you and bring more of them into your daily life.
  • Be compassionate toward yourself when you make a mistake, remembering that mistakes are necessary for learning.

2.  Being your whole self, not the woman you think you are supposed to be. Trusting your husband with the real you, in all your power, complexity and vulnerability, brings life to the relationship.

Tips to try:

  • Share something you’ve never told anyone else with your husband.
  • Practice voicing your true opinions.

3.  Making it easy for him to be himself with you. Accept his differences, respect him and appreciate how he contributes to your life.

Tips to try:

  • Make a habit of noticing the positive things your husband does.
  • Recall the key qualities that initially attracted you to your husband, and point them out.

Remember that your husband already has a deep attraction to you. Otherwise, he would not have married you!  By valuing yourself, having the courage to be vulnerable, and acting in loving ways, you become genuinely irresistible—and that’s the best Valentine’s gift you can give yourself and your husband.