by Strong Women Strong Love | Sep 30, 2015 | Passionate Partnership |
Do you ever wish you could fall deeper in love with your husband, recapturing that intense closeness that you had at the beginning? The most-talked-about relationship story of the year may point the way to doing just that.
You may have already seen this in your social media feeds, but here’s a quick recap. Researchers Arthur and Elaine Aron — who are married themselves — have spent almost 50 years studying love.
For a 1997 study, the Arons wanted to find out if they could create conditions in the lab that would make two strangers become emotionally close, perhaps even fall in love, in a very short period of time. They developed a list of 36 questions for the two people to discuss. Here’s a sampling:
- Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
- What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
- Before making a phone call, do you ever rehearse what you’re going to say? Why?
- What is your most terrible memory?
- What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
Inevitably, within the hour, respondents said they felt unusually close to the person they were paired with for the experiment.
Although they’ve been around for a while, the 36 questions didn’t capture the popular imagination until this year, when they became the subject of a Modern Love column in the New York Times.
The column’s author, Mandy Len Catron, and an acquaintance experimented with asking each other the questions and with another aspect of the Aron’s research designed to increase intimacy: staring into each other’s eyes for four minutes.
And, yes, they fell in love.
Catron writes:
I’ve begun to think love is a more pliable thing than we make it out to be. Arthur Aron’s study taught me that it’s possible — simple, even — to generate trust and intimacy, the feelings love needs to thrive.
Of course, there’s something deeply romantic about the idea that these questions can induce two people to fall in love. But I think it’s just as romantic to consider how they might also rekindle intimacy and trust between long-term partners.
We all know how our busy daily lives can erode those feelings between partners. The closeness with your husband can easily get lost in the stress of household tasks, taking care of kids, and managing work. It can feel impossible to get intimacy back, but Aron’s studies give us at least two clear strategies to try:
- Set aside some with your spouse to explore the 36 questions. The full list of questions is online at the New York Times website, or try out the Times’ app with the questions by visiting nytimes.com/36q with your mobile device. You may be surprised at what you learn about that husband you think you know so well!
- After you’re done with the questions, don’t forget the part about staring into each other’s eyes for four minutes. Yes, it may feel uncomfortable, but do it anyway. What kind of feelings does eye contact stir up for you?
These two exercises are incredibly powerful because there is nothing so flattering and moving as having another person genuinely notice us, want to know who we really are, and listen with true curiosity. We have a deep need to be seen, especially by those we love.
I’d love to hear about your experiences using the 36 questions. Did they spark intimacy with your spouse all over again? Share what happened by leaving a comment here or on the Strong Women, Strong Love Facebook page.
by Strong Women Strong Love | Sep 27, 2015 | Passionate Partnership, Promotions |
FREE REPORT: 10 Easy Ways to Get Him to Listen! Do you wish you could get your husband to listen without him getting so defensive? “10 Easy Ways to Get Him to Listen” gives you the exact phrases that will get his attention and make him actually enjoy talking to you. Subscribe to our mailing list today!
by Strong Women Strong Love | Sep 12, 2015 | Passionate Partnership, Quotes |
Each of us secretly and desperately yearns to be “met”—to be recognized in our uniqueness, our fullness, and our vulnerability. We yearn to be genuinely valued by others as who we are, even that we are.
~Dr. Richard Hycner
by Strong Women Strong Love | Sep 8, 2015 | Poisonous Patterns |
Our minds are wonderfully efficient. But that can get us into trouble sometimes.
Here’s what I mean: Your brain can’t possibly process every little piece of information that comes in through your senses. It has to do lots of filtering to keep from getting overloaded.
That filtering can skew your view of the world sometimes. For example, if you’re feeling resentful toward your husband, you may overlook the positive things he does because your brain is looking for information consistent with your negative view of him.
“Outsmarting” your brain so that you notice more positives is vital to your marriage. Researcher John Gottman studies the differences between those he calls the Masters of Marriage (couples who have been married for a long time and still like each other) vs. the Disasters of Marriage (those headed for divorce).
How many positive interactions do you think the Masters have with their spouse for every negative one? Two? Five? Not even close. The Masters of Marriage have 20 — 20! — positive interactions for every negative one. Even when they’re in conflict, their ratio is still five positives for every negative. That’s higher than the normal ratio for the Disasters group whose typical ratio is 0.8 positives for every negative.
What this translates into for the Masters is a relationship that is emotionally warm and loving vs. the icy, tense marriage created when there is too much negativity. Great marriages thrive on positivity.
Are You ‘Overdrawn’?
You can think of the positivity and negativity in your marriage as an emotional bank account, Gottman says. If you make regular deposits of positivity, you establish an “emergency fund” for the difficult times.
If your emotional bank account balance is “in the red,” I encourage you to get very deliberate about filling the coffers. The management guru Peter Drucker once said, “If you can’t measure it, you can’t manage it.” That’s true of a lot of things. Dieters are more successful losing weight if they keep a food diary. And most financial experts suggest using a written budget to help you save money or get out of debt. I recommend trying a similar strategy to improve you marriage.
Try this experiment: For a week, record all the positive and negative interactions between you and your husband. Notice when you make deposits in your relationship’s emotional bank account. These can include:
- An attitude of generosity
- Compliments
- Acts of kindness
- Encouraging words
- Apologizing
Also notice when you withdraw from your emotional bank account with negativity. Withdrawals can include:
- An attitude of entitlement
- Hurtful words
- Rejection
- Callousness about your partner’s needs
When you start keeping track of your interactions, you may be surprised at how much negativity has sneaked into your relationship. Look for ways to add more deposits of positivity. If you are having trouble being genuinely positive toward your husband right now, at least try to reduce your withdrawals from your relationship’s emotional bank account, as that will also improve your bottom line. You can find lots more ideas for increasing positivity and reducing negativity in your marriage in my book Strong Women, Strong Love.
by Strong Women Strong Love | Sep 6, 2015 | Persistent Pressures, Videos |
#LetGo. Do you feel intense pressure to be perfect in every area of your life? The perfect wife. The perfect mom. The perfect boss. Here’s some powerful advice from some wise, older women about dealing with the social and professional pressures of modern life. Take a moment to watch. You won’t be sorry.
by Strong Women Strong Love | Aug 30, 2015 | Persistent Pressures, Understanding Men |
If housework is a sore spot in your marriage, you’re far from alone.
According to one poll, dividing up household chores was outranked only by fidelity and good sex on a list of issues associated with a successful marriage. How you and your husband share, or fail to share, housework can have a big effect on your marriage.
To be sure, men are picking up a greater share of chores than they did in the past, but studies show that women still do more housework than their husbands. And that’s true even when wives work as many hours outside the home as their husbands do — or even more.
Wives, as you’ve probably guessed, aren’t too thrilled about that. When household chores aren’t divided equitably, women are less happy in their marriages. (Husbands, though, aren’t affected the same way.)
But housework doesn’t have to be such a source of tension. Read on for some ideas to stop the squabbling — and make sure the dishwasher still gets loaded.
Why Isn’t He Taking Care of Tasks that Clearly Need Doing?
Picture this: You get home from work one evening a little later than your husband does. He’s relaxing and watching television — even though you see as soon as you arrive that the kids have left the living room a mess, a pile of mail on the counter needs sorting, and a basket of clothes is still not folded.
What do you think about your husband when you notice all of the tasks he hasn’t done?
Women often default to assuming the reason their husband is ignoring housework is because he’s lazy or uncaring. This is partly due to a mental bias all people have called the fundamental attribution error: When we’re explaining someone else’s actions, we automatically assume their behavior is caused by their internal qualities (like their personality or character), rather than circumstances. Think of the last time someone cut you off while you were driving. Did you assume they made a mistake, and forgive them? Or did you decide that they’re just a lousy human being, and curse at them? (Be honest!)
The problem is that when you believe the worst about a person, it’s easy for blame or resentment to follow. So, before you leap to a conclusion, consider other reasons why your husband hasn’t folded the laundry yet:
1. He can’t see it. If your husband doesn’t take care of chores on his own, but does them cheerfully when you ask, it’s possible he just doesn’t see the mess as clearly as you do. Research shows that people have different thresholds for noticing when something needs to be done around the house. If you’re the one who has a harder time tolerating clutter, you’ll also typically be the first to notice it and take care of it.
To make sure you don’t get stuck with all the housework just because you’re the more orderly one, resist the impulse to take on new chores, and let go of tasks you wouldn’t mind your husband handling. Trust that he’ll do a good job, even if results aren’t up to your standards at first. As they say, practice makes perfect!
2. He doesn’t know how. Some men have never had to the chance to learn domestic tasks like cooking or cleaning, but wouldn’t mind picking up these skills. If you’re a pro in these areas, you’ll have to be patient and resist the temptation to micromanage while your husband expands his capabilities. No need to check on his progress or inspect his work. Only give him help if he asks for it, remembering that struggle is a natural part of the process of learning something new.
3. He’s busy. Perhaps your husband has his hands full with other ways of contributing to your family like working overtime, doing repairs around the house, servicing the car, coaching Little League, and so on. He may even be planning to load the dishwasher, but has other priorities he needs to take care of first.
No, he didn’t fold the laundry, but he definitely does his part. You just have to make sure you notice, and give him credit for his contribution to the household.
4. He’s a traditional guy. Men’s and women’s roles have gone through some huge changes in the last few decades. If your husband holds more traditional views on roles in a marriage, he’s less likely to consider housework his job. He may not help you with tasks around the house, unless you ask him, because he sees this space as your “turf.”
There is nothing wrong with a more traditional division of responsibilities in your marriage, as long as both of you agree. But if this way of splitting up chores doesn’t work for you, the two of you should definitely come up with a different plan.
5. There is a deeper problem in your marriage. Sometimes unresolved emotional tension is the reason you are not working well as a team. If your husband is upset, he could be checked out from the relationship and feeling unmotivated to be a true partner. That explains why he’s just fine letting you carry the extra burden of housework.
Until the two of you address what’s really going on, your housework woes are likely to continue. You have to look beyond the surface and be honest about the emotional connection between you. If you don’t know how to do this on your own, consider seeking the help of a professional to get you unstuck.
So, these are a few possibilities why you’re not getting the help you need, but certainly not the only ones. Did your husband have a lousy day at the office? Is he feeling ill? Is he stressed out and needing a break? Who knows! Yes, it is possible he is being lazy or doesn’t care about you, but the point is that you should not assume this without checking out other possibilities first. Instead of reading his mind, open your own mind, and see what you can find out.
Stop Resenting, Start Asking
The most effective way to decrease resentment about housework is to let your husband know the problem (you feel overburdened), and ask directly for him to do specific tasks. Then give him a chance to step up. Be sure to notice and appreciate other ways he is already sharing household responsibilities.
I can hear what you’re saying: I shouldn’t have to ask! I already do so much. Why do I have to tell him what needs to be done? And why on earth would I thank him if he never thanks me for what I do!
I get the frustration that you’re feeling. But keep in mind that you are two unique people who came into the marriage with different life experiences, priorities, and skills. It’s unrealistic to expect you to coordinate your complicated lives without clear, direct and respectful communication.
This week, resolve to stop simmering with resentment and to start asking for what you need. If you keep that up, you may end up with a much lower stress level — and a cleaner house!
You can find lots more advice about protecting your marriage amid the demands of daily life in my book Strong Women, Strong Love.
by Strong Women Strong Love | Aug 17, 2015 | Personal Power |
If you’re reading this, you’re probably going through, or fearing that you’re about to go through, one of the scariest things that can happen in a marriage: Your husband wants to separate.
It’s hard to pinpoint exact numbers on how many couples go through a separation, but research suggests one in four U.S. couples will legally separate in the first six years after getting married.
It’s perfectly normal to feel lost and panicky when the other person says, “I need some time away.”
But you’ll have a better chance of saving your marriage if you can avoid acting from a place of fear. If your husband wants to separate, your first reaction might be to tearfully beg and plead for him to stay. Sadly, when we try so hard to pull another person back to us, it often only makes them want to leave more. This all ties back to something we talked about in a previous blog post: that when we chase after something in a relationship, we often end up driving away the very thing we want.
If your husband is saying he wants to leave, it’s helpful to deal with him from a more confident place. Now, I’m not talking about screaming “FINE! Get out!” and expecting your husband to change his mind. Instead, you want your message to be more like this: “If you want to leave, I can’t stop you. I’m still committed to this marriage and would like for you to stay so we can figure out what happened and fix it. But you’re an adult, and I know I can’t tie you here.” If he insists on moving out, ask if your husband would be willing to seek professional help. You want to make sure separation has a clear purpose and doesn’t just cause you to drift further apart because you’re living completely separate lives.
If your husband does actually leave the house, don’t pressure him to come back. Allow him to experience the reality of what divorce from you would mean. If you have children, let him fully care for them when they are staying with him. Be supportive of his visits with the kids, but don’t become a doormat to get him back. Give him space to understand your importance in his life. It’s possible he’s not interested in reconciliation and will eventually want a divorce. It’s also possible that if he truly experiences a separation, he’ll eventually start missing you and the life you have built together.
When there is talk of separation, it is really important that you take a good look in the mirror. It’s possible you’ve done some things that have really hurt your marriage. You may be guilty of constantly criticizing your husband, neglecting him, or having an affair. Take responsibility for any part you’ve played in creating your marriage problems, and stop adding to the hurt. If your marriage has any chance of survival, you both have to be honest about what’s not working, and fix it. Use this opportunity to grow and become the kind of person you would want to be married to. Being calm, confident, and considerate will get you much further than groveling if you hope to save your marriage..
I wish that I could give you some guarantee that if you follow these tips, your husband will stay in the marriage, but there simply isn’t one. About 5 percent of couples reconcile after a separation. Ten to 15 percent remain separated long-term without divorcing. If your husband does return, he’s more likely to genuinely want to work on the relationship.
You’re going through a lot right now, and my heart goes out to you. Even thought it’s really hard to accept that your marriage is at risk of failing, let your husband’s talk about separation serve as a wake up call. Do your best to listen deeply to his concerns, and sincerely offer to work to improve your relationship. Like I said, sometimes a person has already decided they want to divorce, and there is little you can do. However, if your husband is on the fence about ending the relationship, how you respond could be a deciding factor in whether your marriage survives.
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by Strong Women Strong Love | Aug 3, 2015 | Passionate Partnership |
Has it been awhile for you and your husband?
A really, really long while?
If the sex has gone out of your marriage, you may feel very alone. But trust me — you’re not. Did you know that “sexless marriage” is the most Googled phrase about sex and marriage? Some experts estimate that 15-20% of marriages can be classified as “sexless” because the frequency of sex is less than 10 times per year. Even if that number doesn’t fit your relationship exactly, you may still feel that your sex life is much less satisfying than it used to be.
The truth is that there’s no magic “sex quota” out there. How often you have sex is up to you and your husband. It’s about finding the frequency that meets both of your needs. If one of does not want sex very much and the other is feeling upset because they want more, then it’s important to figure out what’s going on and address it.
Let’s take at a look at a few reasons why you may be in a “sex slump.” Do any of these situations fit your marriage?
1. Bad timing. You just had a baby. One of you has been working really long hours. The stress level has been sky-high. You’re barely getting enough sleep to get by. Life happens and sometimes sex is put on the back burner for a while. Sexuality is not all about sexual intercourse, but from a physical standpoint, the less you have sex, the less you actually feel like having sex. Continue to be genuinely affectionate with your spouse no matter what, and don’t forget to bring the physical connection back into the picture as soon as you can.
2. No time alone. You may not be having sex simply because you are not spending enough private time together. This is a very common situation with couples who have small children who may be in and out of their parents’ bedroom at all hours of the night. It’s easy for the rest of your life to crowd out your sex life, so you have to make it a priority to keep the two of you in the picture. Plan dates, even if they are in your own house after the kids go to sleep. And let yourself get creative about the times or places you might indulge in a quickie.
3. Emotional roadblocks. Sometimes resentments, criticism, blame, or other emotional negativity can squash the desire to be sexually intimate. It’s truly hard to feel sexual desire toward someone who has hurt your feelings or is neglecting you. It’s important to try to clear the emotional air to get the sexual connection going again. If you continue to let the negativity mount, it can be a slippery slope. First the sexual connection goes, and then the emotional connection starts to unravel if you’re not careful. If you feel like negativity has already flooded your relationship and you’re truly stuck, don’t hesitate to get some counseling to help you find the path back to each other.
4. Physical causes. Fatigue, hormonal changes, chronic health problems, medications, and normal aging are some of the physical factors that affect your sexual relationship. Check with your physician for help in dealing with any physical cause that may be affecting the physical intimacy in your relationship. It’s helpful to remember that sexuality doesn’t just mean intercourse. Expand your definition of sex to include lingering touch, intimate play, oral sex, flirting, kissing, hugging,and even intense eye contact. Staying connected in these ways can help meet your needs while you work on improving the other aspects of your sex life.
5. Boredom. After many years of being together, you may have become too predictable to each other. Perhaps, sex has become routine and uninspiring. Sex is always at the same time, with the lights out, in the same position…very mechanical. The solution may be as simple as introducing some novelty and variety into your relationship. Get creative, and find some ways to spice up your love life.
A sexless marriage becomes dangerous when it isn’t meeting both of your needs or it isn’t based on what you both want. In other words, if one of you declares, “That’s it, we’re done with sex!” without talking about it with the other person, your marriage enters risky territory. It can be especially harmful if one of you is not a big talker and mainly shares how you feel about your partner through the sexual connection. Couples in this situation may also benefit from some outside help with their marriage.
It’s hard to talk about, or even acknowledge to ourselves sometimes, the realities of sexless marriage. I hope it helps to know that other couples experience this, too, and that with some patience, the passion and connection in your relationship can often be restored.
by Strong Women Strong Love | Jul 14, 2015 | Poisonous Patterns |
Are you tackling some projects around the house this summer?
That’s great. Just make sure that fixing up your husband isn’t one of them.
Treating your spouse like an endless fixer-upper project is one of the most dangerous things you can do to your marriage. But It’s all too easy to fall into the trap of thinking you can change him to meet your ideal. Women are under a lot of pressure to be “perfect” in all ways. And we tend to transfer those expectations, and the stress that goes along with them, to our relationships with our husbands.
In marriage, each partner needs to be seen and accepted as is. Treating your husband as a project tells him he’s not okay. Constant correction — of the way he does the laundry, talks to the kids, dresses for work, acts at a party, you name it — will eventually push him away. He may seem compliant to your wishes on the outside, but could end up feeling resentful and suffocated inside. In the worst case scenario, he ends up feeling rejected, an especially painful experience for anyone.
It’s fine to inspire each other to continue growing. Love truly can bring out our best. But before you push your spouse to change, ask yourself these important questions:
1. Is this a deal breaker? Be clear about the types of things you cannot tolerate in your relationship (i.e., addiction to drugs or alcohol, disrespect, etc.), and then directly request that your husband change those. He may agree to change, or he may not. If he refuses to work on altering something you can’t tolerate, then you have important decisions to make about the future of your relationship.
2. How realistic am I being? Ask yourself, “Is it realistic to expect my quiet, reserved husband to become really social?” Everyone has a range of qualities, some of which you will love, and others that may drive you crazy. It’s not wise to attempt to change your husband’s core personality, unless you feel like banging your head up against a brick wall! Acceptance is the key here. Don’t ask your partner to twist themselves into a pretzel in order to be with you.
3. What is the message my husband is getting? Will that make him feel more or less confident? More or less valued? Want to get close to me or push further away? If you are constantly pointing out what your husband needs to change, it will ultimately take a toll on how he feels about himself. Remember to minimize criticism because it is one of the things that can unravel the marital bond. People usually pull away from people who make them feel bad about themselves.
4. Who actually needs to change? If you have a tendency toward perfectionism, be careful to keep that in check. When you judge yourself harshly and don’t embrace your own vulnerabilities, it’s easy to be critical of your partner, too. You may need to ease up on yourself in order to ease up on him. True acceptance will make both of you stronger, which is ultimately great for your relationship.
5. Can I let go if this change doesn’t happen? Because you’re married to an adult, they have the right to say, “no” to requests you make. In long-term relationships, it’s important to let go of wishes that are not going to come true. Otherwise, resentment can build ever so quickly. If you’ve asked for a change that is not a deal breaker for you and change is not happening, work on wholeheartedly accepting things as they are and letting go.
When you are realistic about the changes you would like, negotiate respectfully for them, and accept what you cannot change, you may find that your husband seems like less of a “project.” And you can save your fixer-upper impulses for your home improvement projects!
by Strong Women Strong Love | Jul 1, 2015 | Passionate Partnership |
No, that’s not a typo in the title!
In the U.S., we’re about to observe Independence Day. Maybe it’s the story of our nation’s founding that makes independence such a cherished part of our identity. Think about all the ways we idealize it in our culture: Success stories about people who pulled themselves up by their own bootstraps. Movie heroes who never “play by the rules.” Songs about women who don’t depend on a man.
Of course, it’s great to be strong and capable. But if we concentrate only on independence, we’re overlooking a vital truth about ourselves: Human beings are actually hardwired for interdependence. We need connection with others. Studies have even found that when children don’t receive connection and nurturing, “the wiring of the brain goes awry.”
Even as science affirms that we are meant to rely on each other, the value we place on independence is so strong that we might feel shame when we can’t do everything on our own. For example, it’s not uncommon for first-year college students to feel like failures because being on their own is much harder than they ever imagined.
It’s OK to Need Each Other
Our ideals about independence also affect our marriages. Admitting that you need the other person can be scary! Marriage is a dance of closeness and separation. Either extreme hurts your relationship. Clinging to your husband or constantly needing his validation approval isn’t healthy. But neither is constantly doing your own thing or never working as a team with your husband.
The balance of dependence and independence changes throughout your relationship. There will be times when you lean heavily on him, and times when he leans heavily on you. And there will also be times when both of you are so focused on other demands or interests (going back to school, caring for a parent, etc.) that you’ll have to make extra efforts to stay connected.
Being flexible enough to move from independence to dependence based on your needs is what strengthens your true partnership in life. So, as July Fourth rolls around, celebrate our country’s independence and celebrate your own. But don’t forget to also celebrate the strength we show when we need each other — the strength of closeness, commitment and true connection.
