It’s happened to any woman who is married. You ask your husband to do something — for example, take care of a leaky faucet — and he says he will. You wait for it to happen. And wait. And…
That dripping faucet is still driving you crazy. And now your husband is too.
You could handle the problem yourself. However, that adds one more thing to your already-long task list, and you know you’ll feel resentful. Or, you could remind him and maybe get accused of nagging.
Neither option feels like a good one.
OK, let’s set one thing straight. If the two of you had a discussion and came to an agreement that he would do something, it’s not nagging to check in if it didn’t get done. It’s simply “following up.” You follow up effectively with people at work all the time. And it’s possible to do the same with your husband. Here’s how.
Decide Whether to Follow Up
First, decide whether this is a conversation you really want to have. There’s no right or wrong decision here. Think about how important the request is in the big picture. Is following up on it the way you want to spend your energy right now? If it is, that’s fine. You can use the rest of the strategies in this article. But if it’s not, are you OK just letting this one go? I mean truly letting it go without being mad.
Give Him the Benefit of the Doubt
If you do decide to follow up with your husband, here’s how NOT to lead off:
You said you would fix the faucet, but you still haven’t! Why can’t you just get things done without my having to ask you AGAIN AND AGAIN to take care of them?!!!
No doubt, he’ll probably get defensive if you come at him that way.
Instead, you want to take an approach more like this:
Honey, I know you’ve been busy, so it may have slipped you mind, but the faucet is still dripping. I know you told me you were intending to take care of it by last Friday.
Use a neutral tone of voice, not a blaming one and just state the facts. Remember, you’re just checking in, like you would with someone at work.
Listen to his response and then make another specific request, making sure you highlight the importance to you:
It’s really important to me. Would you please take care of it today?
Now please know that this is not some magic formula that will keep your husband from getting irritable or defensive. Some guys will still be reactive no matter how you follow up with them. But others will mirror your respect and courtesy.
Increasing the Odds of being Heard
There are a few ways to increase the odds that your requests will not be overlooked:
1. Connect the Request to Your Needs
One thing that can keep your request on his radar is to clearly connect it to a need you have. Sometimes husbands don’t follow through on requests because they don’t see why they’re important. Maybe he’s not as concerned about the water bill or conservation as you are, so that faucet isn’t bothering him. But it would bother him if he understood how much it was stressing you out. So try saying something like this:
I’m kind of at the end of my rope right now with Mom being sick and work being crazy. So that leaky faucet is just adding to my stress.
2. Treat Him Like an Adult
You don’t belittle or disrespect your colleagues and friends. (At least I hope you don’t!) So don’t treat your husband this way. Give him the respect you would any other adult.
But while you’re both entitled to respect in the relationship, you’re also both entitled to some degree of accountability too. That’s part of being an adult, too. Adults do the things they say they will do.
If the request you made was important to you, stand your ground. Just always do so respectfully and kindly.
3. Show Appreciation
If your husband regularly ignores your requests, make sure you’re not committing this common mistake. One of the reasons men say they stop stepping up in their marriage is because they truly believe no matter what they do, their wife will never be happy. So they just stop trying.
If that’s the case in your relationship, the easy fix is to consistently thank your spouse just like you would a friend or coworker if they did the same task.
Start changing the atmosphere in your relationship by looking for opportunities to show more respect and appreciation. More often than not, your spouse will do the same.
Got more questions about communication in marriage? Pick up a copy of my book Strong Women, Strong Love.