Take a few minutes today to watch this video on boundaries from researcher and author Brené Brown. It could make a big difference in your marriage.
You’re probably most familiar with Brown’s insights on vulnerability. In this video, she explores a topic that at first seems the opposite of vulnerability: boundaries. But as she makes clear, vulnerability — as well as empathy, compassion and generosity — can’t exist without healthy boundaries.
So much of what she discusses in this video is applicable to marriage. Some of the key takeaways:
- Boundaries are what’s OK with you and what’s not, so it’s important to define them.
- We often have trouble setting or expressing boundaries out of a fear that people won’t like us if we do.
- Because of this discomfort, we often let people get away with behaviors that aren’t OK with us, and end up feeling “hateful and resentful,” Brown says.
- Although it may not be intuitive, having clear boundaries will allow you to be more empathic, compassionate and generous in your relationships.
Directly (and lovingly) expressing your boundaries isn’t demanding or bossy. It’s one of the healthiest and most responsible things you can do for your marriage. And, as we’ve talked about before on this blog, it’s just as important to be clear and firm when your husband crosses one of your boundaries in order to maintain respect in your relationship.
After you watch the Brené Brown video, take some time to think about what your boundaries currently are and where you need them to be. This could be especially interesting if you’ve never defined them for yourself before. Consider whether you feel hesitant to express your boundaries and, if so, why that’s the case. Finally, try to picture how you would feel and act with more defined boundaries and how that shift could actually benefit your marriage.
Remember Brown’s BIG question: What Boundaries need to be in place for you to be in Integrity and make the most Generous assumptions about others?
As you define your boundaries clearly and start to feel less resentful, you may find that like Brene Brown, you’re not as sweet as you used to be, but you’re far more loving.